I'm Confused

I am not ashamed to admit it.



I do not understand this tank top. I'm completely lost. I've even googled the phrase "Life on the moon isn't easy," but nothing came up. What the hell does it mean?

I feel like I'm looking at a New Yorker cartoon. That's how confused I am.

Why do these women not have eyebrows or noses? Why are they talking about how hard it is to live on the moon? Do they live on the moon? Are they considering moving to the moon? What makes living on the moon hard? Is it the lack of atmosphere and weak gravitational pull? The absence of water? The fact that it's a three day commute to get to the nearest mall? Is there a high crime rate on the moon? Is the unemployment rate on the moon skyrocketing? Are you bored of the amusement park?

I'm not arguing that living on the moon isn't hard, but that's mostly because, as far as I'm aware, one cannot live on the moon. Since, apparently, these women are having a discussion about it, the situation must not be as cut and dry as I imagined.

I'd like a follow-up tank, one that gives this one a little more context. Maybe a response from the other girl along the lines of, "Yeah, ever since the moon's currency weakened, it's been almost impossible to find jobs." Or, "Well, sure, because space suits make my hips look fat." I'll take pretty much anything, as long as it's an answer.

Forever 21 Life On the Moon Tank - $12.80

We All Scream

Over time, there have been certain catchphrases that have rightfully earned their place on bumper stickers and graphic ts alike. "Make Love, Not War." "Hugs Not Drugs."



"Melt Ice Cream, Not Glaciers" will not be one of them.

Let's deal with the obvious, glaring error in this statement: no one should ever let ice cream melt. Ever. Unless you're six and you still find "soupy" ice cream a novelty.

I'm not saying that letting ice cream melt is a catastrophe on the level of global warming, but ... no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

If the message is that melted ice cream is a fair exchange for melting glaciers - putting melted ice cream on par with catastrophic climate change - then I want a t-shirt that says, "Screw The Polar Bears, Save the Sprinkles."

Delia*s Melt Sundaes Tee - $26.50

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You know you watch too much Lost when ...



You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

A Message to the Pandas

Yes, I have a tendency to read too much into graphic tees. It's part of that whole "overanalyzing" thing that I do.



Look, Panda, I'm not going to argue with you about the cute thing. You're a panda. You're freaking adorable. You are giant balls of cuddle.



I'm not allowed near the San Diego Zoo any more because I once tried to hop the fence at the panda enclosure because I wanted to take a nap and use your stomachs as pillows.

Smarter, though? Yeah, that's up for debate. You subsist on a diet of bamboo, which is so low in nutrients that you have to eat 30 pounds of it a day, a tenth of your weight. This is in spite of the fact that you have big, sharp carnivore teeth and a happy carnivore digestive tract, all designed to allow you to eat tiny creatures full of nutrients.

Oh, and also, you don't know how to mate, so zookeepers have to show you panda porn, in what must be the most awkward birds and bees moment this side of my dad singing a song about sperm and eggs to my brother.

So yes, Panda. You may be cuter than I am, but smarter? Well, given the fact that I'm not currently in a zoo because I'm actually incapable of surviving in the wild, I'd say that match point is mine.

Forever 21 Cuter and Smarter Tee - $9.80