Friday Feets - Ballet Flats

Since no one kicked and screamed about last week's Friday Feets (not even about the ridiculous name), here we go with week 2.

Last week, Jaclyn asked me to find a pair of comfortable flats. I haven't tried any on personally, but I checked customer reviews on some different sites to track these down.

Okay, I checked the reviews for some of them. I couldn't find any reviews for these, but let's look at this critically: they're $20. They're studded. They have rubber soles, which provides a little bit of cushioning.

Oh, also, Endless has free shipping and free returns. So if the shoes suck, you can get your money back with a quickness.




These are another pair I couldn't find any reviews of, but they're Aerosoles, and I have yet to have a bad experience with Aerosoles. Their heels defy the common belief that heels have to be painful to look good, so I have a hard time believing that these shoes will be anything but comfortable.



From Maria Sharapova's collection for Cole Haan. I've tried on other pairs from the Air series, and they all have good cushioning and support. Plus, the reviews on Endless.com appear to be unanimously positive, especially because of their comfort.




These don't have the glowing reviews of the Cole Haans, but several reviews cited that the shoes are wide. Jaclyn mentioned she had wide feet, so I'm including these in the event that she's reading this post. They don't have great arch support, but if you're crazy about the shoes, you can always buy an insole.




As for these ... they're expensive, but oh man, they're cute. I love those abstract flowers. They're kind of funky, and a great bit of floral detailing without getting too precious.

Anyone have any experience with these? Or do you have a pair of flats you love? Pass it along in the comments!

Flat Foot Society

I've talked a lot recently about shoes I'm not a fan of, as well as shoes I like. So I'm not going to say much about these, because I'm getting a little burnt out on shoe talk.



I will say this, though: the soles are so flat, my arches hurt just looking at them.

Sigerson Morrison Bracelet Flat Suede Sandals with Back Zip - $395

Friday Feets

I spend a lot of time shopping online for clothes and shoes. I also have this Amazon account where, if people buy through this site - or even click through to the products - I get money. So, yes, this is part of my ongoing attempt at actually managing to make some money off the internet.

But it's also a chance to post shoes. And does one really need an excuse for it?

So, here's my latest attempt: Friday Feet, the first installment.

First up: these Jessica Simpson flats. Like I said before, I tried really hard to hate Jessica Simpson's clothing and shoe lines, but I can't do it. Yeah, the giant bow is a little too precious for my taste, but I love the studs.


I actually got these the other day during a burst of "It's spring!" shopping. I bought them in pink from Boomingdales, but if you're interested in the black or white, they're available at Endless.com by clicking on the image.

And finally ...


Yes. They're expensive. But I've become obsessed of late with finding a good pair of nude platform round-toe heels (I'm very specific), and these are the nude platform round-toe heels I've been dreaming of for weeks. These shoes are the reason I'm posting these shoes ... in the hopes that enough of you will click through and buy, so that I may click through and buy, and then wear these shoes everywhere, regardless of how appropriate it is.

So, there you have it. Friday Feets. Love it? Hate it? Should I delete the post and scrub all mention of it from the history books?

Let me know in the comments, via email, or on the fan page. And if you have any suggestions for next week's, pass them along, too.

The Horse Might Not Agree

I've commented before on ModCloth's naming choices.

These are the "Great Gelding Galoshes." And while I can't check the horses to say for sure that the name is, in fact, accurate - well, it's close enough. And it is alliterative.

So, from now on, I'm totally going to start exclaiming "Great Geldings!" in daily conversation. I suggest you join me. It's going to be the new thing.

It may not be hilarious at first, but imagine it in the voice of Christopher Lloyd.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

ModCloth Great Gelding Galoshes - $34.99

Are You Jellin'?

As evidenced by earlier posts, I'm more than happy to talk about my own fashion past, especially if it's 90s related.



So it is without shame that I admit that yes, I totally owned a pair of jellies back when I was 6 or 7. I begged my mom to buy them for me, she reluctantly agreed, and I wore them until they fell apart, despite the fact that they gave me terrible blisters. Because, as far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, chicest thing ever.

I don't really have a problem with their resurgence. I'm now an adult and I know better than to buy jellies, so the trend doesn't really affect me much. It mostly just makes me nostalgic for the days when I still thought that my jellies and bike shorts were a combination the likes of which hadn't been seen since some guy got chocolate in another dude's peanut butter.

However.

However.

However.

Oh my god, these are totally orthopedic jellies, and that's just sullying the good name of all that six year old Amanda holds dear. These are not okay, Forever 21. These are not okay at all.

Forever 21 Jelly Strap Sandal - $6.80

A Sign of Things To Come

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!



Says Glamour.com fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.



Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - $355 $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

MacModel!

You can thank Leilani G. for sending this one to me.

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you're ready for anything!

It's true - these sandals perfectly convey "I'm ready for anything - I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank."

And now, I'll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

MacModel!
Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
MacModel!
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
MacModel!
I question her sartorial judgement.
MacModel!

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal - $114.99

Free the Feet

Okay, until the other day, I had absolutely no idea that Free People sells the ugliest shoes in the world.

And they do. These are a close second to the Slouchy Clogs of Doom posted on Friday.



It's nice that they've provided such sturdy ankle support when wearing a high wedge like that. Well, it's either sturdy ankle support, or these are actually straight jackets for your feet.



These, much like the Slouchy Clogs of Doom, are styled with a pair of shorts. Look, if it's hot enough out that you're wearing shorts, maybe you shouldn't be wearing a heavy leather shoe.



I doubt these shoes breathe much, and you're not wearing socks with them (please, don't wear socks with them, that'd be even worse). So basically, when you wear these shoes as styled, you're subjecting your feet to an entire day of being submerged in a sweat bath while wearing a straight jacket. That's just not right to do to your feet.

Your feet haven't done anything to you. They allow you to move from place to place. Without them, your calves would look really weird. If you're Uma Thurman, it's the reason Quentin Tarantino keeps casting you in movies.

Your feet still love you after you've walked too far in uncomfortable shoes. They love you if you go a month without a pedicure, until your toenail polish has entirely chipped off. Even if you stub your toe, your foot heels back up as quickly as it can, so it can keep on working for you.

So why would you do this to your feet? With all they've done for you, don't you think you owe it to them to not wear this shoes?

Free People Arrowhead Wedge - $248

Why Did Someone Make These?

These shoes have to go after the jump. They're that bad. In fact, if you want to maintain your innocence, I would recommend you don't click through. It's too late for me, because you can't unsee these. It's the footwear-equivalent of the Ring tape.

So, proceed with caution.

10,000 BC

I've said before that I don't like gladiator heels. But at least, on the right person, it can make them look kind of terrifyingly Amazonian.



This, however, is less Amazonian than Archaic. Which is all well and good, if the way you roll is biblical. Now, personally, if I'm going to be thrown into a colloseum to face off against a gladiator or a lion, I'd like to have appropriate footwear on. And, in my case, appropriate footwear is something I can run comfortably in. Not flip flops with cow hide stapled to them.

Bebe Marisa Leather Gladiator Sandal Boots - $179

These Boots Weren't Made For Walking

I'm not a big fan of the peep-toe bootie. So it's not shocking that I would post these.



I'm sure people will wear these, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. For this post, let's ignore the obvious: these are lace-up, with a buckle, hitting around the ankle. I just want to focus on one thing:

These boots would rub your feet wrong in at least four places. The unleather would give you blisters so epic, Grey's Anatomy would do an entire episode based around them. They would base a character on you, and she would be inoffensively quirky, give impassioned speeches with excessive repetition, and she would teach at least one of the doctors a very important lesson that happens to coincide with the doctor's storyline for the week.

And let's be honest: you, or Fictional You, do not need to get anywhere near the insanity of Seattle Grace. It's with that in mind that I suggest you not buy or wear these shoes.

Unless Fictional You ends up with a multi-episode arc, in which case you stand an equally good chance of: hooking up with a main character, dying after touching the lives of each character, or going balls to the wall crazy. Or some combination of the three. I'd say the odds aren't in your favor, but if you want to take the risk, go for it.

But if it ends up on Grey's, I want a "Story By" credit.

Forever 21 Peep Toe Workman Bootie - $34.80

Thigh High Class

Have you ever been walking the streets and thought, "Man, I wish I could have worn my favorite pair of heels, but they're just not work-appropriate?"



Bebe has you covered. With these leatherette snap-on thigh highs, you can transform your favorite pair of heels into street walker-chic thigh highs. Now there are two women it's worked out for: Cinderella ... and you.

Bebe Leatherette Thigh High "Boot" Stirrup - $69

Public Service Announcement #3

Did you know that, every day, more than thirty thousand pairs of high heels go unworn or unpurchased? Many collect dust on the floors of closets or sit in the dark of a storeroom.



With so many pairs of shoes going unworn, waiting to be rescued, why the hell would you buy these?

Ed Hardy Rock Away Heels - $68.95

Future-trama

From the Zappos description: Set the tone for what the world is coming to with these futuristic ankle boots from Betsey Johnson.



Look, I watched a lot of Jetsons when I was a kid. I remember there was a sassy robot maid, a cool treadmill thing for dog walking, and the houses were in the sky.

I do not remember anything about ugly metallic peep-toe booties. That is not the future that I signed on for. In fact, the future I was expecting had about 98% fewer booties, and 100% more flying cars.

So no, Zappos. I will not "set the tone for what the world is coming to." If the world is to be dominated by peep-toed booties, I will fight it with every fiber of my being. Do you hear me? With every fiber of my being.

Betsey Johnson Capri Booties - $160 (was $299)

If Only Russell Crowe Had Worn These ...

Despite my best efforts, gladiator heels have grown on me. Slightly. No, they haven't thawed my cold, dark heart completely, but I don't always hate them now.

However, I'm happy to say these shoes have not worn me down.

Knee high gladiator heels with zippers running up the front.

Really? This is a practical or appealing shoe? Because, in my head, this only ends in a grid pattern all over my shins from the strips of pleather, accompanied by teeth-marks from the zippers.

Why is there a zipper in the front? No, really. It's not an embellishment. I can't say I'd be a fan of these if the zipper ran up the back, but at least then the zipper would create a backseam effect. Here, it just looks cheap. Not trashy-cheap, Forever 21 cheap. Which, it is, so way to go, F21.

I can see Georgina Sparks wearing this on Gossip Girl after she returns to New York, furious at being tricked by "Prince Alexi" (totally her fault, by the way - who doesn't Google a prince before running off to his plane?). And I can see cooler girls than I pairing it with a dress and looking badass. However, I know my limitations, and I cannot make these work.

But, really, these are shoes that should not work on a normal person. These are shoes that can only be worn by the fashionable elite - those girls who can walk into a vintage store and actually find something wearable. But, if they're in the fashionable elite, odds are, they're not buying shoes that fall apart after three hours of wear. So, again, I'm lost as to who would be buying this, and what purpose these abominations unto footwear serve.

If you're one of those girls who can make these shoes work, congratulations. Throw a few tips my way, as I'm stuck wearing black or jewel toned scoop-neck tshirts and jeans every day.

And let me know how these gladiators work out. I can create a new feature for all the people who can pull off the clothes I post - prove me wrong, people.

Forever 21 Tall Gladiator Heels - $39.80

Stronger Than A Runaway Train

If you've ever wanted to dress up like a superhero and run around town pretending to fight crime, ModCloth just made finding a costume 90% easier.




The best part is, the wedges give you that added bit of height necessary to intimidate evildoers, but they don't have a heel, so you're less likely to take a header while running after your arch nemesis.

ModCloth Alter Ego Dress - $57.99
ModCloth Going Gaga Wedges $44.99

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

Embarrassing confession time:

Sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm actually a superhero, and the everyday me is just my alter-ego.



I guess I can wear these next time I'm pretending to be a secret superhero. It'll go nicely with my cape and the underwear over tights combo I rock.

ModCloth Tangent Universe Boots - $47.99

Glamazonian Princess

Sometimes, words suddenly appear in the language and become almost ubiquitous.



"Glamazon" is one of those words.



Observe the Glamazon Heels and the Glamazon Dress. Now, from what I can tell, their relation to being Amazonian is that they're animal print, and animals are in the Amazon, right?

As for the "glamor" part of "Glamazon," well, the Girls Next Door are kind of glamorous, right? They go to parties and stuff. That's kind of glamorous.

So yeah. These shoes and the dress totally warrant being dubbed "Glamazon." I take it all back, lest Giselle, Glamazonian Princess, come after me in her invisible private airplane and harness me with her fabulous lasso of truth.

Guess Glamazon Dress - $98
Modcloth The Glamazon Heels - $42.99

Gucci Flats - really?

Let's be clear: I love needlessly expensive shoes. Love. There is an executive in my office who owns many, many pairs of Louboutins, and I'm pretty sure she's creeped out by my constantly staring at her feet as she walks by. But her shoe wardrobe is amazing.

So I'm not criticizing these shoes for being expensive.



I'm criticizing them for being the high-end equivalent of an Ed Hardy shirt. Tattoo designs? Really, Gucci? You think that these strips of leather with a few painted-on roses and hearts are worth paying almost $500 for? Because I'm thinking this same look can be achieved by a pair of Capezios, 75 cents, and a trip to the local bowling alley for the temp tattoo dispensers. Hell, add an extra 25 cents for a gumball.

Gucci Tan Leather Tattoo Heart Flats - $392

J. Crew Likes It Ruff

We all know the 1980s have been back for a while. But shoulder pads and leggings are so passe.

Luckily, J. Crew is bringing back the 80s in their own way: the 1580s.

versus

I don't actually dislike this top. It's very pretty - on the model. But, because it's all about me (hence the title), yeah, this isn't going to work.

First of all, because while the ruffled neck styles look very nice on the pretty ladies, on me it will look like the pirate shirt from Seinfeld and an Elizabethan ruff had a chunky, shapeless love-child. Not because I'm chunky and shapeless; it's just that it will be wildly unflattering in the way that shirts like this are.

And I feel like the model knows this. It kind of looks like she's smirking, just slightly, in that taunting way, as if to say, "It looks awesome on me, doesn't it? It kind of makes you want to try it, right? Seeing it on me, you think you might be able to pull it off. Go for it. Give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen?"

But she knows. She knows that the worst that can happen is I try it on in the shockingly ill-lit dressing rooms*, hate how it looks, and then somehow manage to get stuck in the shirt while trying to get it off of me, leading to my having to jump up and down awkwardly while wiggling out of it, and when that fails, finally asking a sales associate for help. And then I'll feel obligated to buy something, because it will be one of the rare times that I can actually answer "yes" when they ask,"Did someone help you with this today." So I'll either go really cheap and buy a $12 hair clip, or I'll end up buying these shoes that I love but cannot afford.

Do you see the chaos you have wrought, J. Crew? Do you?

*And, seriously, why are your dressing rooms so badly lit? Neon makes me not want to buy your clothes. It makes me want to stand really close to the mirror and look at my pores.

J. Crew Francis Ruffled Tuxedo Shirt - $89.50
J. Crew Herringbone Francis Cami - $88
J. Crew Silk Frances Tank - $88