An Addendum On Houndstooth

Hey, remember when a reader found the blog by Googling "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

I said that it would not, and that the reader should go for it.



I just want to point out, for the sake of clarification: skirts. Go for a houndstooth skirt or dress. Do not go for houndstooth skinny pants. Especially not ones made by Avril Lavigne and sold at Kohl's. Because these are bad. These are really, really bad. Kohl's won't even show the back of the pants, they're so unflattering.

So, dear Kentucky reader, these will make you look fat. These will make everyone look fat. These make the mannequin look fat. Don't take it personally. Put on a houndstooth skirt and feel like Blair Waldorf for a day. But for the love of headbands, please don't wear these pants.

Abbey Dawn Houndstooth Skinny Pants - $24

Please Stop Avril Before Someone Gets Hurt

I ... so ... these are real.



People. These pants are real. They once sold for $50. Kohl's seems to think that they'll sell for $20.

They have zigzags in black and white. With random bursts of color. I have a migraine just from trying to get my eyes to focus. Can you imagine these in motion? They'd be seizure-inducing. People would fall victim to your legs as you walk down the street.



I don't know why I even posted the back - it's not as if these pants are going to get any better from behind. I guess I posted them to convince myself that these are real, because I have a naive hope that they're a very early April Fools joke.

But no. These are actually pants that are for sale. That someone, somewhere - some misguided teen who actually thinks that Kohls is the official retailer for punk - has purchased these.

If you see a teen on the street wearing these pants, take them under your wing. Play some Ramones for them. Explain that this is punk. Explain that Complicated is not. Show them that punk is not just wearing a tie.

And, for the love of God, buy them some solid pants so that you can, together, burn these abominations.

Abbey Dawn Zigzag Skinny Pants - $19.20

Ripstop Them, Please

Oh my god. Cargo pants are back. I had hoped that they would forever be banished to the windows of The Gap, but having now seen them in Lucky and in People Style (dude, it's addictive, don't judge me), it seems that cargo pants are in.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Do we really need that many pockets? It's the clothing equivalent of the soccer mom with an H2. She's not driving across newly formed basalt fields. She's picking her kids up from piano lessons. Likewise, I don't need to wear cargo pants to go to the mall. My MRE will fit just fine in my purse. The only time I'd ever need that many pockets is if I were going out and didn't want to carry my purse, but I seriously doubt anyone's going to be wearing cargo pants to clubs.

No, cargo pants have a useless number of pockets, and they serve the sole purpose of making you look bulky. Yes, they're comfortable, but so are sweat pants, or wide-legged jeans, or anything else that doesn't throw giant pockets onto the widest part of my thighs. I'll go with any of those options before I wear cargo pants.

And yes, I realize some people like these, and hell, I liked them back when I was 11 and didn't realize that they made me look massive. My mother would fight me tooth and nail on buying them, and you know what? She was right. It just took me another 13 years to understand that.

J.Crew Ripstop Cargo Pants - $79.50

The Shadow Knows

I sometimes wonder if ModCloth stocks really ugly clothing in order to contrast with their otherwise great selection of clothes.

Stand as sassily as you'd like, Model. It doesn't change the fact that you're wearing sack pants.

Ah yes, sack pants. Pant so ill-fitting, they're intentionally gathered at the waist because of the excess of fabric. Pants with a low-hanging crotch and roomy thigh openings. Pants that start out as wide-legged, but then taper - yes, taper! - to skinny pants around the ankle.

The description on the site says that, when you're wearing these pants, "there won't be any reason for you to hide!"

I would beg to differ.

These pants leave you without any discernable butt. Seriously, how high is that rise along the back? I'd wager it's at least 11 inches, but that may be undershooting.

Keep in mind, a model is wearing these. A model. A girl paid to be thin. There is no reason these pants should do this to her. How many pounds have these pants added to her frame? They've given her average ass. That's right, average ass.

What is average ass? Well, it's what happens when you wear pants so ill-fitting, they make a model look like she has a normal woman's butt. Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with a normal woman's butt. However, think about what it would do to a normal woman's butt.

And now you can't unthink it. Let that be a lesson to you on why sack pants are not flattering.

You're welcome.

ModCloth Shadow Puppet Pants - $59.99

Costume Ideas #11: Hip-Ho, Hip-Ho

Is one of your friends going as a slutty Snow White? Want to provide a slightly more unusual counterpoint?

Hipster Dopey.

Pair with a big purple jacket from Forever 21, and a pair of purple pants or leggings (which are not pants), and you're set.

Forever 21 Soft Sweater Beanie - $3.50
Forever 21 Loop Button Swing Coat - $22.80
American Apparel Unisex Slim Slack - $74

Blue Satin Pants What?

I'm not a big fan of satin dresses. Most of the time, the fabric is too thick, so it ends up getting weird and stiff, and bunching up oddly.



I'm even less of a fan of satin pants. Satin pants with rolled hems. Because you know what is meant to be a casual fabric? Satin.

You roll ripped jeans. You occasionally roll khakis. But satin? Really?

I am hating this gathered hem trend for pants. Stop trying to make harem pants work. Stop trying to make pseudo-harem pants work. It's not going to happen. And if it is, I'm going to ignore it completely and insist it's not happening, because to accept that harem pants are "in" is to give up my faith in the fashion industry entirely.

These pants could almost - ALMOST - be passible if they had a lower rise and just finished as a straight leg. Even if they had finished as a cropped straight leg with a lower rise, I'd have let them slide. Sure, they're in an unwearable fabric, and odds are they will be stained beyond measure by the end of the first day you've worn them. But they'd be passably cute.

With the higher rise, though, they create that weird limbo-region in the crotch/lower abdomen area, where it doesn't quite look like you're wearing mom jeans, but they're not low enough to not be mom jeans. So instead, you're just wearing bad idea jeans. And nobody wants to wear those.

Modcloth Dancehall Blues Pants - $79.99

Shiny Tight Pants

Oh, Topshop. Just because you call something "trousers," that doesn't make them classy.



The cleaning instructions on these are simple: "Wipe clean."

Good to know all those hookers can save on their dry cleaning bills.

Topshop Skinny Shiny Trousers - $70

Pants Without Logic or Reason

In theory, a pair of high-waist slacks with a thick waistband sound great. I immediately start having delusions of wearing them with a button-down blouse and flats. These are delusions, of course, because in them I am also speaking with Brahmin accents and playing golf with Spencer Tracey.

Luckily, these pants keep me from sinking too far into the fantasy.



I'm missing something here. Right? There's something I'm just not getting conceptually about these pants. Because, staring at these pants, I can't think of a single person these would be flattering on. Normally, I will secretly admit to myself that yes, that would look good on someone.

This is not one of those situations. I'm pretty sure that these pants were taken from Julia Sweeny's "Pat" costume at SNL. Pulled up high on the waist and pleated, these pants create just enough of a bulge to make one unsure of what the wearer is packing.

Oh, and there's the back!



Elasticized back and a high waist? Yeah, these are Mom Jeans. They're dressy Mom Jeans, but they'll still make your ass look flat and your hips look wide. Look at what they've done to this poor model. Think of it as her sacrifice, so you can be spared a similar fate.

And that's just teh beginning of my problems with these pants. To elaborate:

1. They're really high-waisted.
2. They have pleated fronts.
3. They give the model saddle bags (hate the term, but sadly apt).
4. The crotch sits too low.
5. They're cropped.
6. They have an elasticized back.
7. They give you the dreaded flat ass/big hip combination.
8. For some reason, the buttons make me think of the Cloverfield monster. I do not know why. The Cloverfield monster didn't have six eyes. But for some reason, when I see those pants, that's all I can think of. Maybe because these pants have usurped it as the most horrific thing I've seen?

The High Powered Pants - $74.99