Flat Foot Society

I've talked a lot recently about shoes I'm not a fan of, as well as shoes I like. So I'm not going to say much about these, because I'm getting a little burnt out on shoe talk.



I will say this, though: the soles are so flat, my arches hurt just looking at them.

Sigerson Morrison Bracelet Flat Suede Sandals with Back Zip - $395

Friday Feets

I spend a lot of time shopping online for clothes and shoes. I also have this Amazon account where, if people buy through this site - or even click through to the products - I get money. So, yes, this is part of my ongoing attempt at actually managing to make some money off the internet.

But it's also a chance to post shoes. And does one really need an excuse for it?

So, here's my latest attempt: Friday Feet, the first installment.

First up: these Jessica Simpson flats. Like I said before, I tried really hard to hate Jessica Simpson's clothing and shoe lines, but I can't do it. Yeah, the giant bow is a little too precious for my taste, but I love the studs.


I actually got these the other day during a burst of "It's spring!" shopping. I bought them in pink from Boomingdales, but if you're interested in the black or white, they're available at Endless.com by clicking on the image.

And finally ...


Yes. They're expensive. But I've become obsessed of late with finding a good pair of nude platform round-toe heels (I'm very specific), and these are the nude platform round-toe heels I've been dreaming of for weeks. These shoes are the reason I'm posting these shoes ... in the hopes that enough of you will click through and buy, so that I may click through and buy, and then wear these shoes everywhere, regardless of how appropriate it is.

So, there you have it. Friday Feets. Love it? Hate it? Should I delete the post and scrub all mention of it from the history books?

Let me know in the comments, via email, or on the fan page. And if you have any suggestions for next week's, pass them along, too.

Parisian Panaché At A Price

I try to avoid commenting on expensive items purely because of their price tag. Some clothes are expensive, some are not, but they don't warrant criticism based solely on their price tag.



Or at least, that's what I thought, until I came across this cavalcade of Hermes beach towels on Bluefly.



Yes, these cotton terry beach towels are for sale on Bluefly at a very reasonable price of $477. According to the Bluefly description, with these towels you can "add a touch of Parisian panaché and sophistication to your day at the beach."

Man, if a towel with a couple tigers on it can do all that to a day at the beach, I wonder what my Jurassic Park: The Ride towel does? Maybe it adds terror and carnivorism to my day at the beach.

But the most important question is, now that you've bought this $500 beach towel, how will people know that you are lounging on a exorbitantly priced towel? Will they just sense the Parisian panaché and sophistication?



Ah. With a giant "Hermes" logo. Yeah, that'd do it.

Hermes Beach Towels - $530 $477

Eyeliner of the Undead

This isn't a post about a particular item. It's more of a general question.



Is orange eyeliner going to be a thing? Because I really, really am not a fan. It makes even the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth look kind of like she has Zombie-Jaundice, a disease that manifests itself in skin discoloration and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

This is unfortunate, because as we've seen many times, she does not have Zombie-Jaundice. She has very nice skin, perfectly normal eyelids, and as far as I can tell, no overwhelming desire to eat brains.

And, more importantly, if that's what orange eyeliner is doing to the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth - a girl who has pulled off both a comically tiny hat and a giant floppy bow, what would it do to the eyelids of us mere mortals?

ModCloth But Enough A-Bow Me Hair Clip - $13.99

The Horse Might Not Agree

I've commented before on ModCloth's naming choices.

These are the "Great Gelding Galoshes." And while I can't check the horses to say for sure that the name is, in fact, accurate - well, it's close enough. And it is alliterative.

So, from now on, I'm totally going to start exclaiming "Great Geldings!" in daily conversation. I suggest you join me. It's going to be the new thing.

It may not be hilarious at first, but imagine it in the voice of Christopher Lloyd.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

ModCloth Great Gelding Galoshes - $34.99

Are You Jellin'?

As evidenced by earlier posts, I'm more than happy to talk about my own fashion past, especially if it's 90s related.



So it is without shame that I admit that yes, I totally owned a pair of jellies back when I was 6 or 7. I begged my mom to buy them for me, she reluctantly agreed, and I wore them until they fell apart, despite the fact that they gave me terrible blisters. Because, as far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, chicest thing ever.

I don't really have a problem with their resurgence. I'm now an adult and I know better than to buy jellies, so the trend doesn't really affect me much. It mostly just makes me nostalgic for the days when I still thought that my jellies and bike shorts were a combination the likes of which hadn't been seen since some guy got chocolate in another dude's peanut butter.

However.

However.

However.

Oh my god, these are totally orthopedic jellies, and that's just sullying the good name of all that six year old Amanda holds dear. These are not okay, Forever 21. These are not okay at all.

Forever 21 Jelly Strap Sandal - $6.80

A Sign of Things To Come

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!



Says Glamour.com fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.



Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - $355 $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

MacModel!

You can thank Leilani G. for sending this one to me.

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you're ready for anything!

It's true - these sandals perfectly convey "I'm ready for anything - I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank."

And now, I'll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

MacModel!
Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
MacModel!
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
MacModel!
I question her sartorial judgement.
MacModel!

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal - $114.99

Shoebuse

Somebody call 911. A horrible crime has been committed.



No sneaker deserves to go out like this. They should be worn until they're falling apart, having lived a full life, until the soles are threadbare and the rubber is cracking around the edges.

These poor sneakers have been brutally attacked by the Converse Cutter. If you have any information that can help us find the perpetrator, please send it to your local authorities.

In the meantime, hide your hi-tops. Look after your low-tops. Protect your Purcells. Take care of your Converse.
Free People Shredded Converse - $128

Why Did Someone Make These?

These shoes have to go after the jump. They're that bad. In fact, if you want to maintain your innocence, I would recommend you don't click through. It's too late for me, because you can't unsee these. It's the footwear-equivalent of the Ring tape.

So, proceed with caution.

This Looks Familiar

Man, this is a great idea.



It's about time someone took people to task on the ugly clothes that stores try to sell us.



Someone should totally make a website about it or something.

Also, the "Fashion Citation Notepad"? Hey, ModCloth Naming Committee - you're on notice.

ModCloth Fashion Citation Notepad - $4.99

Public Service Announcement #6: Small Packages

The Ed Hardy line has expanded into many new avenues over the past few months. I've covered much of it in a series of Public Service Announcements, because I feel it is vitally important that we are aware of the enemy's movements. After last week's thrilling developments, I think it's time to reasses where we stand.

So here are two new fronts that have been opened in the war against Ed Hardy:





I'm impressed that they've managed to squeeze this much douche on such small surfaces. But it actually works out for those of us trying to avoid Ed Hardy-wearers like the plague.

A shirt ends up in the wash, and you're none the wiser until it's clean again. But glasses are worn constantly. Picking a pair of glasses is part of a painstaking process. So when someone is wearing Ed Hardy glasses, that's not just a whim. That's a commitment to douchedom.

As for the lighters - well, the owner chose to forgo the standard cheap Bic lighters in favor of an Ed Hardy tattoo lighter. That just about tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?

Personally, I'm disappointed that they still haven't branched out to condoms. At least then, they'd be doing the world a service for a change.

These Boots Weren't Made For Walking

I'm not a big fan of the peep-toe bootie. So it's not shocking that I would post these.



I'm sure people will wear these, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. For this post, let's ignore the obvious: these are lace-up, with a buckle, hitting around the ankle. I just want to focus on one thing:

These boots would rub your feet wrong in at least four places. The unleather would give you blisters so epic, Grey's Anatomy would do an entire episode based around them. They would base a character on you, and she would be inoffensively quirky, give impassioned speeches with excessive repetition, and she would teach at least one of the doctors a very important lesson that happens to coincide with the doctor's storyline for the week.

And let's be honest: you, or Fictional You, do not need to get anywhere near the insanity of Seattle Grace. It's with that in mind that I suggest you not buy or wear these shoes.

Unless Fictional You ends up with a multi-episode arc, in which case you stand an equally good chance of: hooking up with a main character, dying after touching the lives of each character, or going balls to the wall crazy. Or some combination of the three. I'd say the odds aren't in your favor, but if you want to take the risk, go for it.

But if it ends up on Grey's, I want a "Story By" credit.

Forever 21 Peep Toe Workman Bootie - $34.80

Public Service Announcement #5: The People v. Edward Hardy

A few days ago, I said that sometimes, I think Marc Jacobs is playing a joke on the fashion industry.

I take it back. Little did I know the truth: Marc Jacobs is a fervent crusader for the fashion industry.

He's suing Ed Hardy for copyright infringement.



According to my top legal sources, there is not yet a law allowing a person to sue a designer for marketing and selling ugly or tacky clothing and accessories. As such, Jacobs probably stood the best chance of winning his case by suing for copyright infringement, rather than the not yet legally recognized "fugliness."

WTF KFC

I can think of only one situation in which this present would be an appropriate gift.



If you know a man who is related to, or a fan of, Colonel Sanders.

Of course, that's a very, very small niche, so I guess the makers of this tie expect other people to buy it. Which is absurd, because seriously, when is this an appropriate accessory? When has anyone, other than the Colonel, ever looked at their shirt and thought, "What I'm missing is a Western Tie"? Even the model looks unhappy to be wearing it, and he's getting paid.

Timo Western Tie in Black & White Polka Dots - $60

Bow Out

When I first saw this, I thought to myself, "Hm. That's a weird dress." Then I realized, to my horror, that no - the giant floppy bow isn't part of the dress at all.



It's an accessory that you can buy separately, then choose to pair with what would otherwise be a perfectly lovely outfit. The giant bow would drive me nuts because I'd feel it under my chin, or my hair would get caught on it all the time.



Why would you throw a heavy black bow onto this? It looks like a cute, light dress. That black bow is the sartorial equivalent of a giant anchor. How come women's magazines always advise you not to wear heels with an ankle strap, but they never warn you about wearing giant black bows with white lacy dresses? Oh, right, because it goes without saying.

But what really kills me is that they could have given the model a perfect Blair Waldorf look by accessorizing with this silver bow pendant, rather than an actual giant bow.



Right? All it's missing is a headband, brightly colored tights, and an awesome eastern European housekeeper/sidekick.

Timo Bowtie Bib in Copper Brown Satin - $65
Timo Bowtie Bib in Black Satin - $71
In God We Trust Cutout Bow - $101

The Plaid Hatter

I love how deadpan the model looks in this picture.



I imagine that they didn't warn her beforehand what she would be modelling in this shoot. She got all made up, they checked the lights, and then wardrobe ran out at the last minute and put the hat on her head.

"Seriously?" she said. "I have to wear this? It's a plaid baseball hat. This is ridiculous. No one is going to buy this. Yes, I know I'm getting paid to wear it. Whatever, fine. Just take the damn picture."

RVCA Ranger Plaid Hat - $19

Thigh High Class

Have you ever been walking the streets and thought, "Man, I wish I could have worn my favorite pair of heels, but they're just not work-appropriate?"



Bebe has you covered. With these leatherette snap-on thigh highs, you can transform your favorite pair of heels into street walker-chic thigh highs. Now there are two women it's worked out for: Cinderella ... and you.

Bebe Leatherette Thigh High "Boot" Stirrup - $69

Give Me Ten

I'm currently in Santa Fe, indulging in my two other great loves: rocks and New Mexican food. It's very cold at night, so I've had to dig out my cold weather gear, including my gloves. Yes, it's a nuisance having to carry them around, and I'm constantly having to make sure I haven't dropped one or gotten them dirty.



Despite all the difficulties posed by gloves, never once have I thought to myself, "Man, I wish I could wrap my gloves around my hips like a belt." Nor have I thought, while buckling my belt, "This would be so much better if it looked like someone was groping my crotch."

I'm just saying, these gloves are getting very fresh. I hope they at least bought the mannequin dinner first, because otherwise, they're taking advantage of it.

I wonder if Forever 21 will be coming out with a matching top that would have two gloves grabbing the wearer's breasts. At least then you wouldn't have to worry about what matches the skirt you own - you know, the one that looks like it's trying to steal third?

Forever 21 Belted Glove Skirt - $32

Tulle-y Denim

Back in the early days of the blog, I posted about Forever 21's denim-fabric hybrid skirts. At the time, I said that these skirts would only be necessary if you were torn between wearing your denim mini or a ruffled skirt, and you decided to split the difference.

Apparently, there were enough people out there who had that problem, because Forever 21 has not only made another style of it, but this time, it's formal wear.



See, you know it's formal because it's kind of a dark denim and the rips aren't big enough to show skin. Plus, the black tulle hem looks like it was lopped off an actual dress and stitched onto this monstrosity as a warning to other dresses.

I'm having a hard time seeing where the demand for this style of skirt is coming from, but then again, I also don't understand who keeps buying the high-waist button placket styles, either. Have we learned nothing, as a society, from the missteps of the celebrities who wore high-waisted denim and were subsequently ridiculed for it? Why do people keep buying this style? I can't imagine it's that flattering on so much of the population. And if it's not selling, then why do the designers keep making it?



I will say, one thing I do like about this skirt is the attached beaded chain. Because that beaded chain really pulls the look together.

No, seriously, who on the design team said, "What this high-waisted, ripped denim skirt with a tulle hem needs is a jeweled chain?" Because they were 100% correct.

The chain is removable, but really, why would you?

Forever 21 Tulle Trimmed Denim Skirt - $19.80