The One With the Flow Chart

See, this is why I try to avoid the Topshop website.



Because they sell things like this. This is a fishnet skirt. That they are selling. To people. For money.

Many times, I will ask the public at large, "Who would wear this?" or "Why would you wear this?

This is not one of those times.

No, in case you're wondering whether or not you should wear this skirt, I've made a helpful flow chart. Click to enlarge.



There. Problem solved.

Topshop Fishnet Skirt - $44

On the Row

I have, of late, become obsessed with playing Saints Row 2. It's a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto, and my addiction has gotten so bad that, whenever I see a nice car, my first thought is: "Is that on my chop shop list?"

One of the things you can do in the game is buy and customize clothing. Because my character has a rockin' body and likes to pistol whip people, I've been dressing her in a fairly skanky manner. Okay, she looks like a ho. But a ho who pistol whips pedestrians.



I'm pretty sure she owns this skirt.

I like the suggestion that you pair it with, "netted tights and statement heels." Because keeping it classy would just be too easy. Then again, I guess if you're wearing this skirt, your only option really is to just go full-force trashy, because come on: it's not even a real leather skirt. They had to kill six Pleathers to make this thing. At least give it the courtesy of pairing it with an appropriately streetwalker-esque ensemble.

Forever 21 Boudoir Leatherette Skirt - $22.80

Water Landing

Whenever I fly, I always think to myself, "It's too bad I can't put together a cute outfit that would also be useful in the case of a water landing." Floaties are too cumbersome, and wetsuits aren't particularly comfortable or figure-flattering.



Fortunately, Forever 21 has designed a skirt that, in the event of a water landing, you can keep your valuables - and your sense of style - dry. Yes, this chic plastic skirt, with its practical rope ties, will make you the envy of frequent fliers everywhere.

Forever 21 Petticoat Cargo Skirt - $19.80

Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.



But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.



Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.



But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.



Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*



I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.



This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39

A Harry Escape

Come one, come all, to see the great Shopbop Magical Model escape from this skirt!



She scoffs at the challenge.



Houdini's straight jacket trick is no match for her! She'll do him one better - escape from the skirt in heels. But how does she do it? What is her trick? Dare she reveal it?



Of course. The old "full-length zipper in the back" trick. I should have guessed.

Madison Marcus Resist Skirt - $325

Shorts in Disguise

I was surfing Forever 21, as I do every day, for clothes to buy and clothes to post. At all times, there are two separate browser windows open, so I can keep them separated. These were originally in the "buy" browser.



And then I realized they were shorts, rather than a pleated skirt.

Shorts are tricky to navigate. For some reason, they're way more difficult than skirts. Finding the right length can be a Herculean task. I can't imagine that pleated, voluminous shorts will be a flattering look.



How convenient. I don't have to imagine it. These are resting on the threshold of unflattering on this model. They're threatening to tip into the precipice of average ass.

So much skirt potential wasted. And for what? Shorts that look like a skirt, but will probably just make your legs look weird.

What a world.

Forever 21 Floral Guise Woven Shorts - $17.80

Hybrid Skirts Spread, Panic Ensues

So, remember those hybrid skirts Forever 21 has been selling?



Apparently, it's a thing. Sure, Hollister's version is a little more understated - it's more like a petticoat hem peeking out than a full on bustle. But it ruins the simplicity of a jean skirt. Oh, and also, I think it's kind of ugly. But hey, if you really liked the F21 skirts, but wished they were more expensive, here you go. Enjoy.

Hollister & Co. Laguna Hills - $44.50

Search and Tell

I use a stat counter to obsessively check how many pageviews I have (what can I say, I've got an ego). It also records where the page view came from (ie: what page they were linked from). I was checking my stat counter tonight when I saw that a reader found my blog by searching "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

No, mysterious reader in Kentucky, no it will not. Okay, I can't guarantee that, but go for it. The worst that happens is, you try on the skirt, it does, and then you don't buy it. Or, you buy it but return it.

In case you don't have any in mind, I found this after a quick search and thought it was cute.



I'm also a big fan of this dress from Modcloth, although it's a little pricey.



Or, if you're really that timid about it, why not try a jacket?





The point, though, is that if you like this skirt enough to run a Google search on whether or not it will make you look fat, you should go for it. Chances are it won't, and you'll probably be so happy wearing it that it won't even matter.

The Limited Clean Cut Miniskirt - $24.99
Modcloth Workweek Wonderful Dress - $106.99
House of Dereon Wool Peacoat - $54.99
KC Collection Women's Houndstooth Coat - $55.99

Give Me Ten

I'm currently in Santa Fe, indulging in my two other great loves: rocks and New Mexican food. It's very cold at night, so I've had to dig out my cold weather gear, including my gloves. Yes, it's a nuisance having to carry them around, and I'm constantly having to make sure I haven't dropped one or gotten them dirty.



Despite all the difficulties posed by gloves, never once have I thought to myself, "Man, I wish I could wrap my gloves around my hips like a belt." Nor have I thought, while buckling my belt, "This would be so much better if it looked like someone was groping my crotch."

I'm just saying, these gloves are getting very fresh. I hope they at least bought the mannequin dinner first, because otherwise, they're taking advantage of it.

I wonder if Forever 21 will be coming out with a matching top that would have two gloves grabbing the wearer's breasts. At least then you wouldn't have to worry about what matches the skirt you own - you know, the one that looks like it's trying to steal third?

Forever 21 Belted Glove Skirt - $32

Tulle-y Denim

Back in the early days of the blog, I posted about Forever 21's denim-fabric hybrid skirts. At the time, I said that these skirts would only be necessary if you were torn between wearing your denim mini or a ruffled skirt, and you decided to split the difference.

Apparently, there were enough people out there who had that problem, because Forever 21 has not only made another style of it, but this time, it's formal wear.



See, you know it's formal because it's kind of a dark denim and the rips aren't big enough to show skin. Plus, the black tulle hem looks like it was lopped off an actual dress and stitched onto this monstrosity as a warning to other dresses.

I'm having a hard time seeing where the demand for this style of skirt is coming from, but then again, I also don't understand who keeps buying the high-waist button placket styles, either. Have we learned nothing, as a society, from the missteps of the celebrities who wore high-waisted denim and were subsequently ridiculed for it? Why do people keep buying this style? I can't imagine it's that flattering on so much of the population. And if it's not selling, then why do the designers keep making it?



I will say, one thing I do like about this skirt is the attached beaded chain. Because that beaded chain really pulls the look together.

No, seriously, who on the design team said, "What this high-waisted, ripped denim skirt with a tulle hem needs is a jeweled chain?" Because they were 100% correct.

The chain is removable, but really, why would you?

Forever 21 Tulle Trimmed Denim Skirt - $19.80

Festively Feathered

Part of me wants to like this skirt, purely for the fact that it's ... unusual. I know, a lot of the time, I post things on here that many people would wear, and it's just that I tend to stick to very basic styles. So, in that respect, I really didn't want to post this skirt.



But then I started to think about the logistics. First and foremost, wouldn't the feathers tickle your legs all night? It would drive me crazy, I'd always be thinking that something was brushing up against the back of my thigh. Plus, if you sit down wrong, one of the feathers could get bent, or they won't wear well, and then you'll have a skirt that looks like it's molting.

But, more than anything, I think what I dislike about this skirt is that they seem to be randomly attached to the skirt. The skirt is a plain twill miniskirt. I don't get where the feathers are coming from. Actually, glued to the inside like that, it kind of looks like you're wearing a feather petticoat. That would be more logical than just gluing the feathers to the hem of the skirt. I don't know what fabric I'd rather this be, but it just seems like a strange addition.

Actually, I think I'd like this skirt if they took off the feathers, but made the belt bigger. I could go for a large patent leather belt on a twill miniskirt. Or, if they're insistent on keeping the feathers, it might have been interesting to have them be an actual color. I mean, if you're going to wear feathers, you might as well wear bright yellow ones, right? Or hot pink. Yeah, I would probably give this skirt a pass if it had hot pink feathers, just for the sheer random audacity of it.

Forever 21 Feather Trim Skirt - $28

Billy Ray's Favorite Skirt

Hey guys, look what I found:

Business in the front.



Party in the back!



That's right. This is the mullet of floral skirts.

Forever 21 Ruffle Back Floral Skirt - $28

Brace Yourself

I don't watch a lot of Larry King Live - he asks too many softball questions, and he always seems a little lost whenever interviewing a celebrity who debuted after talkies were introduced.



However, in the event that they ever decide to update the format of the show, I hope that they add some Fly Girl-esque dancers. They can be called the Larry King Live Suspender Ladies, and this can be their costume.

Forever 21 Sequin Suspender Skirt - $19.80

Tweed Bow Skirt

Upon first, second, and third viewing of this skirt, I had nothing negative to say about it, except, "It's not in my closet yet."



There is so much to love about it.
- It's hot pink.
- It has a reasonably sized, well-structured bow.
- It looks like something Emma Pillsbury would wear, except it's a miniskirt, so I'd actually be able to pull it off.

As I looked at this skirt, debating over whether or not I could excuse buying yet another mini, the only thing I could think was, "I can't believe Forever 21 made a skirt that could pass for J.Crew."

And then I saw the back.



You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Forever 21? You saw a perfectly good skirt, and you thought, "Hm, how can we totally ruin the aesthetic? I know. A giant zipper running down the back."

Is it of vital importance that there is a full-length exposed zipper? Has the skirt been known to spontaneously ignite, so it's important to provide the wearer with a quick escape?

If you had sprung for the side zipper, or even a small back zipper, I would have paid the extra $5. You charge a lot more for your Twelve by Twelve line, and that stuff doesn't look nearly as good.

Less can be more, Forever 21. Really. An article of clothing doesn't need to incorporate three trends. One trend is just fine. You don't even have to show restraint with all your clothes. But, if you had just shown some with this skirt -

No. I'm sorry. I can't talk about this any more. It's too upsetting.

Forever 21 Tweed Bow Skirt - $19.80

Oh, Betsey. No.

Look, I get that Betsey's thing is bright and quirky and eclectic and whatever, fine, if it makes her happy, I'm happy.

I also get that sometimes, you find a really great deal on a fabric, so you buy a lot of it, then have to think of ways to use it.



However.

Sometimes, when you see a fabric on sale for a really great price, you have to stop and wonder why it's such a bargain.



For example, is it multi-colored neon snake print? Because - and this is just a shot in the dark - that might be why you're getting a good price on it, and why they still have so much in stock, despite the low cost.



Normally, I'd make some comment about how the boob tier looks angry. However, given that it's cut from this fabric, I'm more inclined to think that it's actually just remarkably unhappy and embarrassed, but the boob tier has that look that some people have, where they're scowling even when they're not mad. So, rather than telling the boob tier to buck up, I kind of sympathize.



And, for those days when you just don't feel like going formal with your neon snake print, here's a simple skirt that you can wear to your next Poison concert.

Betsey Johnson Snake Printed Silk Chiffon Tiered Dress - $208.60 (was $298)
Betsey Johnson Snake Printed Silk Chiffon Blouson Dress - $164 (was $328)
Betsey Johnson Snake Printed Silk Chiffon Skirt - $218

So This Is the Beyond

I had, in a previous post, compared a Forever 21 dress to drapery found in Bed Bath and Beyond. It seems my assessment didn't take in the full scope of the issue.

No, it seems that Bed Bath and Beyond and Forever 21 have joined forces to create a line of Roman blind-inspired dresses and skirts.

And you won't be getting any complaints from me. As far as I'm concerned, these are tough economic times, and the length can probably be adjusted using a drawstrings. Think about it: you can have a maxi-length curtain skirt, or a mini curtain skirt! What's not to love?

Forever 21 Long Couture Skirt - $39

Tulle Peplums

I've covered several peplums on this blog. So many, in fact, that I fancy myself, if not a connoisseur, at the very level an advanced student in peplumology.



With that in mind, I have to say, a tulle peplum just seems downright uncomfortable and scratchy.



Plus, the delicate fabric, right in prime sitting area, just seems like an error. All it takes is sitting down at the wrong angle once, and you're stuck with a dented peplum for life. And no one likes a dented peplum. They're just sad-looking, like a peacock with mottled plumage.

Forever 21 Tulle Peplum Knit Skirt - $26

A Change of Heart

Initially, I was going to write a post in my usual style, talking about how ugly these skirts are.

But then, looking at them some more, I found ... I kind of like them. No, I really like them. It was like in a romantic comedy, when the heroine suddenly realizes that she doesn't hate the male lead, she loves him. It hasn't been rage fueling all their spats, but passion.

I mean, sure, they're a little 80s, and I'd never wear them, but I can't help it. I love them. They're just so colorful, with their gradient lace.

You guys, I'm like totally Cher Horowitz right now. I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with these skirts!

Forever 21 Lace Tiered Skirt - $28

Parachute Skirt

One zipper is functional. Two zippers, both of which open from either direction, do not appear to have much of a purpose. I guess because it's like you're getting four zippers for the price of two?



You know what goes with two multi-directional zippers? Slippery lining-style fabric, as is featured on this dress.



Basically, you're looking at stiff, ugly fabric that is apparently slippery, with multiple zippers. Sounds appealing and totally useful.

Forever 21 Waist Zip Skirt - $28

Private Dancer

There's a time and a place for fringed mini skirts. There's also a time and a place for military-themed outfits.





I'd say that fusing the two with fringed miniskirts with a heavy grommet belt in military neutrals is a creative choice, but I'm not really seeing the practical purposes - unless, of course, you're Tina Turner, and you're performing on a USO tour. But if that's the case, I'm guessing you have your own wardrobe provided, and you don't need to buy it at Forever 21.

Forever 21 Fringed Mini Skirt - $28