Just Call Me Grumpy Bear

I always find it hardest to dress for spring. The weather shifts back and forth, it's warm in the sun but freezing in the shade, all your warm weather clothes are still packed away and you don't feel like going through it all.



And because of the flow of air currents, sometimes your upper midriff gets hot while your arms are freezing.



Don't give me that look, ShopBop Model Who Kind of Looks Like Amanda Peet. I'm just saying, the long sleeves and bare midriff make me wonder if you've got some weird heating issues.

Ooh, unless you're a Care Bear and you don't want to limit your abilities to participate in a good Care Bear Stare. In which case, ignore everything I've said about body temperature. It all makes sense now.

Porter Grey Tie Waist Shirtdress with Cutout - $385

Short Knit Leggings

You know how, for the last few months, I've posted a few times about the 90s resurgence? And in a few of those posts, I mentioned that I wore a lot of bike shorts back when I was a kid.



Man, I am so glad that no one's bringing back bike shorts.

Wait a minute ....

Those short knit leggings look a lot like bike shorts.



In fact, if I saw someone wearing these on the street, I would probably exclaim "Whoa, look at those bike shorts!" Then she would have to respond with, "No, these are short knit leggings," and I'd feel terribly rude, and would then apologize for insulting her.

Unless ....

They actually are bike shorts, and Forever 21 is just trying to make us think they're innocuous by calling them "short leggings." Because "short leggings" sound much more sophisticated than "bike shorts."

I will say, their styling efforts just confirm that 90's Amanda was way ahead of her time, because I also wore bike shorts with a t-shirt and studded cowboy boots. Man, I was so cool.

Forever 21 Short Knit Legging - $4.90

Are You Jellin'?

As evidenced by earlier posts, I'm more than happy to talk about my own fashion past, especially if it's 90s related.



So it is without shame that I admit that yes, I totally owned a pair of jellies back when I was 6 or 7. I begged my mom to buy them for me, she reluctantly agreed, and I wore them until they fell apart, despite the fact that they gave me terrible blisters. Because, as far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, chicest thing ever.

I don't really have a problem with their resurgence. I'm now an adult and I know better than to buy jellies, so the trend doesn't really affect me much. It mostly just makes me nostalgic for the days when I still thought that my jellies and bike shorts were a combination the likes of which hadn't been seen since some guy got chocolate in another dude's peanut butter.

However.

However.

However.

Oh my god, these are totally orthopedic jellies, and that's just sullying the good name of all that six year old Amanda holds dear. These are not okay, Forever 21. These are not okay at all.

Forever 21 Jelly Strap Sandal - $6.80

The Side-Tie Returns

Several months ago, I posted a Forever 21 shirt that tied on the side, just like I used to wear my shirts back in junior high. I thought maybe it was the start of a new trend, but I hadn't seen one since.



Until now. Hollister's spring line features a shirt that, had Hollister existed 15 years ago, ten year old Amanda would have been all about. I'd throw on a pair of denim shorts I'd cut myself, mismatched hi-top Converse, and maybe a pair or two of scrunched down socks, and I'd be a very, very happy little dork.

And yes, I realize that, by 1995, I was late to those trends. But it's not that I was late, per se. It's just that I let everyone else test them, first.

Hollister & Co. Crescent Bay T - $19.50

Costume Idea #16: And Now It's Stuck In Your Head

Every so often, I remember with horror that the 90s were 10 years ago. This is horrifying to me because I'm starting to understand why my dad regularly says, of classic rock songs, "Doesn't this sound like it could have been made this year?" When I was younger, I would often agree so as to not be a terrible child. But now, I actually get it, because "Genie In a Bottle" is almost eleven years old. And that is, at best, unnerving.

So, if you're feeling nostalgic this Halloween, why not go as Christina Aguilera from the video? Anthropologie's made it a lot easier for everyone by selling these bright orange, totally wearable pants, for a perfectly reasonable price of $78.



Sure, it's a little expensive for a pair of orange cotton pants, but really - what wouldn't you pay to look this cool while singing thinly veiled euphemisms for a dude groping you while dancing?



My point exactly.

Anthropologie Trail Trotter Crops - $78

902-Oh No

According to ModCloth, "Named for the actress who played Kelly Kapowski in Saved By the Bell and Valerie Malone in Beverly Hills 90210, this arresting, floral print mini dress by MinkPink makes us long for a 90's fashion renaissance!"



I'm so torn. On the one hand, I have become obsessed with flannel shirts of late, and if not for the fact that I don't have the closet space, I'd buy a pair or two of Docs. After all, we're shaped by the fashions we grew up with, aren't we? God knows, I still consider Alex Mack and Clarissa to be the queens of chic.

But, by the same token, oh my god, the 90s renaissance makes feel so old. I went into Wet Seal the other day, and I swear the clothes were the same as when I first started shopping there. And floral patterns are so overwhelmingly busy. Those are some giant flowers. You can't even tell if the dress is flattering or not, because there's so much going on. Which, yes, is the risk of any pattern, but for some reason, overwhelming floral patterns in particular bother me.

I guess that's my problem with the 90s renaissance - much like with the 80s renaissance, or the 70s, or any plundering of a prior time period by designers - they bring back the tacky. And I don't understand why, other than because they hate us. Because while yes, a floral pattern can work on a floaty skirt, on a skintight dress, it's just ... we made this mistake once already. Do we have to keep repeating it?

ModCloth Tiffani Dress - $62.99

Kooshy Shoes

It's weird - sometimes, a thought will randomly pop into my head (like, "I wonder what the Green Power Ranger is up to these days?"), and then the question will be answered a day or two later by someone else (my friend posting that he is apparently now an MMA fighter).

Likewise, just the other day, I was wondering to myself, "What did they do with all those koosh balls from the Rosie O'Donnell Show?"



And now, I have my answer. Gwen Stefani's using them on sandals.



ModCloth Harajuku Lovers Holla Slingbacks - $47.99

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

I love 90s music. I can sing along with almost all 90s rock songs. It's one of my superpowers, along with accidentally finding spiders. Yeah, the spider thing sucks. But, back on point, 90s music - I love it.



Somehow, I don't think this tank was what Garbage intended when they wrote and recorded the song in 1994. It's kind of like having a t-shirt with a cartoon on it and a Marilyn Manson quote. It's just weird.



Forever 21 Happy When It Rains Tank - $14.90

Panda image borrowed from here

The Dressmaker

Aw, cheer up, glum eDress Me model!



I know your Mentos moment didn't go as planned, but at least you have minty-fresh breath!

eDress Me Black Jersey and Lace Dance Dress - $238 $190.40

I Was Just Totally Clueless

Okay, so initially, I was going to make a joke about how, even though it's 2010, you'd think it's 1995 from looking at this cropped sweater, because it looks like something Cher would wear around the house while telling Josh that Ren and Stimpy are like, way existential.



Then I started thinking about how I had a huge crush on Paul Rudd, and how he's managed to maintain an awkward charm despite joining the crew of smarmy Apatow characters. Then I went back to reading Clueless quotes and got totally sidetracked, so now the only thing I can think to say is: man, this model has a really long torso.

Mike & Chris Andrew Crop Top - $148

Blast From My Past

Man, I knew I never should have cleaned out my closet.

If I had kept my jean shorts from the Old Navy 1994 Spring Collection, I could have resold them for $150.

I'm just wondering why these shorts are $150. What elaborate design process is required to craft these? Is the denim woven by pixies? What, exactly, merits pricing a pair of jean shorts over $100?

Joie "Cilian" Denim Shorts in Vintage Blue Wash - $148

A Change of Heart

Initially, I was going to write a post in my usual style, talking about how ugly these skirts are.

But then, looking at them some more, I found ... I kind of like them. No, I really like them. It was like in a romantic comedy, when the heroine suddenly realizes that she doesn't hate the male lead, she loves him. It hasn't been rage fueling all their spats, but passion.

I mean, sure, they're a little 80s, and I'd never wear them, but I can't help it. I love them. They're just so colorful, with their gradient lace.

You guys, I'm like totally Cher Horowitz right now. I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with these skirts!

Forever 21 Lace Tiered Skirt - $28

Everything Old is New Again

I was wondering the other day what happened to all my old scrunchies, since I can't imagine I would throw them out.

Apparently, Forever 21 has hot glued them onto headbands.

Which is great news, since they're also carrying side-tie shirts again. All I need are some bike shorts and a pair of cokebottle glasses, and I'll look like I did when I was 8.



Forever21 Satin Pouf Headband - $3.80
Forever 21 Side Tie Knit Tunic - $10.80

If What Doesn't Kill Us Is Making Us Stronger

It took me a while to realize why this shirt looks so familiar.

Then I realized: I'm pretty sure Roseanne wore it on the eponymous Roseanne.

I always knew it was only a matter of time before Roseanne Arnold was recognized for the sartorial genius she was.

Topshop Heavy Patchwork Check Shirt - $70

An Egregious Use of Spandex

I know that, in the six posts I've made so far, the bulk have been about Forever 21. I felt kind of bad about it, and worried that I might hurt the store's feelings.

Then I saw this:

Faux-denim leggings. With zippers on the bottoms. And no pockets. Because they are leggings. Faux-denim leggings.

Not convinced? Let's see the back:

When shopping online, I follow two simple rules:

1) Only buy it if the site offers free returns

2) If it looks bad on the mannequin, it's not going to be any better on you.

The mannequins are molded plastic designed to be as perfectly shaped as humanly possible. They are engineered to make the clothes look good.

So if the mannequin looks like it's rocking a giant, flat ass while wearing skintight mom jeans, odds are, you will not fare any better.

That's not going to stop any number of women from buying this 98% cotton, 2% spandex atrocity. I remember when people wore these the first time around, in the 90s, and it was as wrong then as it is now.

Why does Forever 21 hate the world, that they keep inflicting clothing like this on it? Why?

Pocketless Zipper Ankle Pant

Denim Dresses Are Not Okay

If you like planning your Halloween costume months in advance, I have one for you:

Bitchy popular girl from any 90s teen movie. Combine with thick platform Mary Janes, full hair, and a posse of slightly insecure, slightly less pretty cheerleaders.

If that's not your style, you can always go for this:

Throw some paint on this dress, add a flannel shirt and some glasses, pull your hair up in a bun, and go as the nerdy girl just waiting for Freddie Prinze Jr. to notice the beautiful woman within.

Forever 21 X-Posed Denim Dress

Forever 21 Denim Jumper Dress