In the Club

This was submitted by Irene L. over on the Facebook fan page.



I get that this is probably "club wear," which falls into a whole other category of things I wouldn't wear, and I'm sure it's considered the height of stylishness at raves or something.

As a non-rave attending layperson, though, my thoughts on the top aren't particularly positive. Initially, I thought that the top reminded me of something an alien would wear on Star Trek. I think it's the neck collar.

But, the more I stared at it, the more concerned I became for the health and safety of the model, as it appeared the top was rebelling against the wearer and choking her. It kind of looks like the sleeve is reaching up and throttling the model, right?

Just me?

Well, even if I were one to wear clubwear (which I'm not, since the dress code for studying geology and sitting around my apartment is casual), I'd still steer clear of this top ... just to be safe.

ChicStar Sexy Asymetric One-Shoulder Top - $24.95

A Sack of Potatoes

I realize that sometimes, I just don't understand a style or an attempted look.



I don't think this is one of those times. No, I think that I am rightly mystified by this dress. It's so ill-fitting, it actually makes the model look like her head was Photoshopped onto another, much larger, model's body. It is so shapeless that it actually fails at being stylishly shapeless. It's just unflattering.

Where is the logic in this dress? It bunches around the mid-thigh area, tapering down into an asymmetrical hemline. It's hard to make a satin, formless dress more unwearable, but somehow, they manage.

So, hat's off to them, I suppose?

Kimberly Ovitz "Myron" Silk Charmeuse Dress - $385

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.



I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.



As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298

A Unique Asymmetry

It's important to remember that the word "unique" isn't always a good thing.



Like, when Forever 21 describes this top as being "a unique stretch tunic," they might intend for that to be a positive, but it's safe to say that "unique" doesn't mean "flattering" or "appealing."

This top is what happens when you fail your Home Ec class, but you don't want to get a failing grade, so instead you try to explain that it's fashionable. Or, "unique." It apparently has two 3/4 length sleeves, but you can only see one because of the fabric draped over the left side. Don't stare too long, though, because the fabric will make you go cross-eyed.

I don't want to say this tunic would have been fine if it were in a different fabric, but it would be less likely to induce motion-sickness if it were in a solid fabric, rather than what appears to be "bar code."

I also like that it comes off of a big flowy top with diagonal stripes and then tightens up around the hips with horizontal stripes, for maximum unflattering proportions. I especially like the dark chunk below the thighs, as if to highlight how ugly and ill-fitting the whole thing is. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure that out otherwise, but thanks, Forever 21, for putting in that extra effort.

Forever 21 Dazed Asymmetric Tunic - $17.80