Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.



But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.



Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.



But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.



Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*



I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.



This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39

An Addendum On Houndstooth

Hey, remember when a reader found the blog by Googling "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

I said that it would not, and that the reader should go for it.



I just want to point out, for the sake of clarification: skirts. Go for a houndstooth skirt or dress. Do not go for houndstooth skinny pants. Especially not ones made by Avril Lavigne and sold at Kohl's. Because these are bad. These are really, really bad. Kohl's won't even show the back of the pants, they're so unflattering.

So, dear Kentucky reader, these will make you look fat. These will make everyone look fat. These make the mannequin look fat. Don't take it personally. Put on a houndstooth skirt and feel like Blair Waldorf for a day. But for the love of headbands, please don't wear these pants.

Abbey Dawn Houndstooth Skinny Pants - $24

Taffetastrophy

LOL.



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.



And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29

An Egregious Use of Spandex

I know that, in the six posts I've made so far, the bulk have been about Forever 21. I felt kind of bad about it, and worried that I might hurt the store's feelings.

Then I saw this:

Faux-denim leggings. With zippers on the bottoms. And no pockets. Because they are leggings. Faux-denim leggings.

Not convinced? Let's see the back:

When shopping online, I follow two simple rules:

1) Only buy it if the site offers free returns

2) If it looks bad on the mannequin, it's not going to be any better on you.

The mannequins are molded plastic designed to be as perfectly shaped as humanly possible. They are engineered to make the clothes look good.

So if the mannequin looks like it's rocking a giant, flat ass while wearing skintight mom jeans, odds are, you will not fare any better.

That's not going to stop any number of women from buying this 98% cotton, 2% spandex atrocity. I remember when people wore these the first time around, in the 90s, and it was as wrong then as it is now.

Why does Forever 21 hate the world, that they keep inflicting clothing like this on it? Why?

Pocketless Zipper Ankle Pant