Chad, The Performing Arts Major

Stella McCartney is high-end to the point where I don't know much about her designs. So, here is what I do know:

1. She designed clothes for BabyGap and GapKids, including a series of dresses so cute, they make me wish I were 11 years old. And I don't think I'm alone, given that all the XL and XXL sizes are sold out.

2. She doesn't use leather or fur in her designs, so Natalie Portman likes her a lot (I don't know how I know this).

3. She apparently designs a line of what appears to be costumes for performance artists.



Come on. Can't you just imagine that guy from your college wearing this? You know the one. His name's probably something like "Chad," he claims he's from New York City but he's actually from Westchester, and all the girls in his high school thought he was like, way deep. He would have been a beat poet 50 years ago, but since he can't do that, he does spoken word performance art in a turtleneck jumpsuit.

As a side note, this is wool. Wool. I feel hot and itchy just looking at it.

Stella McCartney Purple Wool Turtleneck Jumpsuit - $479.99

J.Crew Can't Jump

Oh, J. Crew. A jumpsuit in your spring line? Really? Did you have to go there?



I mean, yes, at least this one seems to be fitted to the model, so that's a plus. And it's not baggy in weird places. But they still remind me of long johns, and I can't imagine they're practical. Do you get totally undressed when you have to use the restroom? Or do you just not drink anything all day long? Because, really, I think that's kind of unsafe as the temperature rises.



From behind, these look like really expensive coveralls. If I were making a movie right now about a rich girl who has to do manual labor, like house painting, she would totally wear this while doing it. Then the guy she's working with would roll his eyes and tease her about it, because he can't stand entitled, snobby girls, but in the end it would turn out that he loves her for who she is, with or without her money.

Hm. Does Reese Witherspoon still play ditsy? If not, what's Isla Fischer up to? I've got a jumpsuit for them to wear, and a blockbuster hit on my hands.

J.Crew Silk Linen Jumpsuit - $148

Skullking About

Ah, I remember the days when I would put on my favorite skull pajamas, crawl into bed, and have my dad read me a story. Or when I would wake up early and run downstairs to watch cartoons, wearing my comfy skull pajamas. Or when I would go to a sleepover at a friend's house, and everyone would jealously admire my beloved skull pajamas.



I'm so glad that Betsey Johnson has recreated them, so I can relive those fond memories as an adult.

Betsey Johnson Skull Thermo Jumpsuit - $225

These Jumpsuits Are Terrible

I have been dreading writing about these jumpsuits. Dreading. In the way that, whenever I look at them, writing this blog stops being fun and starts being a chore, because I know I have to write about these eventually. I have to; they're too horrible not to be covered here. I've had these saved to my computer for at least two weeks, but I've avoided writing about them.

Why?

Because I don't know what to say. They're that horrible. Behold, and you too can lose your faith in clothing.

I'm pretty sure the only people who can wear these and have them fit properly are women on South Park.





Dissected individually ...


There's no waist. Instead, it blouses out around where one might carry a spare tire. If one doesn't have a spare tire, by the time you're done wearing it, you'll have one. Then it gathers, and flares again, creating an all-around unappealing look. It appears to be ill-fitting through the legs, and that's when it's on a mannequin. The effect is probably not made any better on a live person.

This defies the rule that black is slimming. This is slimming only if, upon seeing yourself in it, you can't hold down food for two weeks.



Well, it's ... roomy.

The color is awful. I can't imagine a skin tone it would be flattering on. As a positive, it doesn't taper into skinny legs, like the black one does. However, it does end up being puffy and ending in large cuffs, reminding you of how you've imprisoned yourself in a hideous jumpsuit.

I am not kidding when I say that these jumpsuits are deeply upsetting. They are being sold to the public, and I'm afraid that people are buying them. Not just buying them, but paying $160+ for them. How is this still legal?

Topshop Premium Silk Halter Jumpsuit - $160
Topshop Premium Silk Floral Jumpsuit - $160

Keep It in the Bottle. Please.

Three wishes?



Okay!



1. I wish this jumpsuit didn't make the model's breasts look so unhappy.

2. I wish this jumpsuit gave her an actual waist.

3. I wish they hadn't used the curtain ties as a belt.



Dammit! I should have looked at the back before making all those wishes. If I had, I would have replaced #3 with:

"I wish the model would spontaneously start dancing to Can't Touch This."

Bebe Glitter Halter Rope Jumpsuit - $98

Might As Well Jump

Sometimes I wonder if my aversion to the jumper is because I know there's not a chance in hell I can pull it off. I'm 5'1", and I have a 30" inseam. Subtract a foot for my head and neck, and that leaves 19" for torso. That's not a lot of torso to fill a jumper. Pair that with my copious rack, and ... yeah, that's not a flattering look.

Plus, I happen to know at least one person who makes jumpers look really good and shockingly wearable. So it's not totally unwearable. And, every so often, I see one on a website and think it's cute.

So, I occasionally wonder if my issue with jumpers is that I can't wear them, and therefore I have to hate them in order to avoid the inevitable pain that would come with loving them but being unable to wear them.



Then I see these. And I am reminded again that, no, I hate jumpers because they almost always look like this. And this is just wrong.

These are high-waisted, cropped pants with elastic on the hems. The top is a henley, but it's shapeless and baggy, and just generally reminds me of a pair of long johns, but without the practicality or warmth. It's like something a very fashion-forward '49er would wear in the dead of winter.



And here, they actually try to sell this as having "a figure flattering drawstring." I'm not really getting that, given how in this picture, the girl has no waist. If they had gone with "a practical for after a large meal drawstring," I would totally be on board. Because that's a more accurate description than "figure flattering." Hell, saying it has "a magical unicorn-hair drawstring" is more believable than "figure flattering."

Also, is it just my being obsessive-compulsive, or is it really annoying that the fabric patterns don't match up to create straight lines between the top and bottom halves.

Just me? Okay, cool.

Mod Cloth Ripple Effect Jumper - $69.99
Mod Cloth The Pip Jumper - $49.99

Introducing, the Chambray Jumpsuit

Thanks to Nicole for bringing this to my attention.



The Chambray Jumpsuit from American Apparel needs no introduction. It just ... is.



Combining the elastic waist of your favorite pair of mom jeans with a baggy top, the Chambray Jumpsuit offers a wildly unflattering cut. Why let yourself go when you can just give the appearance that you've let yourself go?



Not only does the elastic waistband give the impression of mom jeans, but the back of the Chambray Jumpsuit offers a similar effect. The pockets bulge outward, widening your hips so one can easily scare off predators, like the frills on those spitting dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.



How does one jazz up the Chambray Jumpsuit? With a black velvet ribbon. Obviously.



So, who wears the Chambray Jumpsuit? A woman with confidence. A woman who takes charge. A woman who works for a 70s-style sleaze bag and doesn't mind the occasional bout of sexual harassment.



A woman who enjoys taking comically large steps.

American Apparel Chambray Jumpsuit