The Price Isn't Right

When did J. Crew get all fancy?



Yes, I realize that J. Crew has had, for several years now, a high-end line called "The J. Crew Collection."



Apparently, it's high-quality - I mean, it would have to be, with that price tag. And, as seen in this close-up of the sequin dress, they have a creative approach to what has been a huge trend over the last year - in this case, using three sizes of sequins to give texture and dimension to the dress.

But it's still a total disconnect for me to go from looking at $98 pencil skirts to an almost $900 sequined shift dress.



Or a $1,400 disco ball.

J. Crew Waterfall Sequin Sweater Dress - $895
J. Crew Le Sequin Crochet Dress - $1,400

Not Taylor-Made

I can't help it: I love Taylor Swift. Her music is ridiculously catchy, she's got pretty hair, she's eleven feet tall but wears high heels anyway, and she loves sparkley dresses. I might or might not have had a dream the other night that I was performing at a "We Are The World" kind of concert, and before going onstage, I told her to check out my blog because I've written about her.

Upon looking back, it turns out I've only mentioned her once, but whenever I write about sequins, I have her in mind.

Anyway, back on topic.

So, as I was saying, I can't help but like Taylor Swift. I've tried, because my heart is a cold, dark wasteland.



I appreciate that ModCloth has named a dress after Taylor Swift (although, seriously, where's the dress named after my blog? I'm waiting ...). And I can sort of understand their thought process: she is a country/pop singer, so it's not totally illogical that they went with plaid for the name. I'm not a fan of the dress itself, but had they used this fabric for a pair of shorts or a button-down, I would have really liked the fabric and ignored it completely.

However, it's a travesty - that's right, a travesty - that they would give give Taylor Swift's name to a dress so lacking in all things sparkley and shiny.

And on that note:



ModCloth The Taylor Dress - $59.99

They're Altogether Ooky At Caesar's Palace!

Hey, guys, good news!



Now you can buy Wednesday Addam's costume from The Addams Family Vegas Revue!

Sonia by Sonia Rykiel All Over Sequin Dress - $580

Dropping a Hint

As you're all well aware, my birthday is only five months away. While I don't doubt that you found me that perfect present months ago, I figured I'd help out those of you who have put it off to the last minute.



Buy me this.

Please.

Scala Platinum Paiette Cocktail Dresses - $258

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.



I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.



As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298

Hi, Aire!

As some of you know, I was flat-out giddy when Aire over at ModCloth left a comment on the blog. Not that I don't love all my readers, because each one is a special individual snowflake. But it was really cool to know that, at a company I really like, they've read my blog.



That being said, I don't want you thinking I've gone all soft or something. But the truth is, I can't help but like sequins. I love them. They're so shiny. I've professed my love for them many times over in this blog. Yes, the top isn't my style - I'd drown in it and look massive, but hey, it happens. As much as I don't "get" the dress, I can't hate it.

So, all I'm going to say about this dress is that, if Aire actually wears sequins as often as this description claims she does, then she is kind of awesome. Plain and simple.

ModCloth The Aire Dress - $74.99

Regarding Sequins and Sparkly Things

I like sequins. I don't wear enough sequins, mostly because I get really OC about their falling off, and the ensuing gap in sparkliness. But I really, really like them, and wish I could wear them more often, especially in sparkly dress form.

There have been many great developments in the study and proliferation of Sequins and Sparkles. It was pioneered by great women such as Tina Turner and Cher. More recently, Taylor Swift, who I kind of want to be when I grow up, has made huge strides in the field.

I can only say, however, that these pants and shorts represent a huge step backwards in the Advancement of Sequins and Sparkles.



Sequins are festive. They're shiny. They're sparkly. They make you want to twirl around like you're six years old and wearing your favorite party dress. I am very, very pro-sequins.

And it's not that I don't believe sequins can be worn casually. They can. I myself own a ribbed tank top with sequins on it. It is decidely casual, and I enjoy it greatly. While sequins are best suited for party dresses, they're definitely not exclusive to them.

However.

If you decide that you're feeling kind of tired, or you're a little puffy one day, you know what you're not going to pull on? Your favorite pair of $350 sequined sweat pants. And that's what those are. Those are sequined sweat pants. They're baggy, they have an elasticized waist band, and the stylist didn't even bother to hem them.

These are sequined sweat pants. Trying to market them as formal wear is an affront to the field of Sequins and Sparkles, and to all those who have worked hard to advance the cause of Sequins and Sparkles. It is also an insult to the beloved staple of "Ugh, I don't want to put on real pants to go to class," the sweat pant. What, sweat pants aren't good enough for you, ShopBop? You have to go and try to make them classy and formal? That's like trying to make fancy spray cheese: accept it for what it is, and love it.



As for these, the price tag is decidely more reasonable, but that doesn't excuse the fact that this burgeoning trend is, as far as I'm concerned, unacceptable. These shorts appear to be sequined track shorts. Is there a demand for sequined track shorts that I'm not aware of? Because I'm pretty sure the answer to that is, "No."

I've said it many times, and I will say it again: I love sequins. That doesn't mean, however, that I believe you can just put them anywhere. There is a time and a place for sequins, and it does not involve drawstrings.

Honestly, I can't believe I even had to say that. What kind of ignorance has befallen this world?

Sachin + Babi Anzia Sequin Pants - $350
Forever 21 Sequin Drawstring Short - $15.80

Brace Yourself

I don't watch a lot of Larry King Live - he asks too many softball questions, and he always seems a little lost whenever interviewing a celebrity who debuted after talkies were introduced.



However, in the event that they ever decide to update the format of the show, I hope that they add some Fly Girl-esque dancers. They can be called the Larry King Live Suspender Ladies, and this can be their costume.

Forever 21 Sequin Suspender Skirt - $19.80

XOXO, ModCloth

Man, things have been tough for Serena lately. First she spends all summer looking for her biological father, only to be repeatedly rebuffed. When she returns home to New York, her boyfriend Carter reveals that he is in debt to a powerful Texan family, so he agrees to pay off his debts by working on an oil rig. Then, she ends up working for a publicist and has to date one of her clients to keep him in the news. She quits her job and goes to work for married Congressman Tripp Van der Bilt. She promptly begins an affair with him, which ends after he runs their car off the road to avoid hitting a pack of huskies wolves and he moves her into the driver's seat before fleeing the scene.

Like I said. Things have been tough.

And as if that weren't bad enough, someone apparently broke into her closet and is selling her wardrobe to ModCloth. The only thing that makes me think this might not be Serena's dress is that it doesn't show nearly enough cleavage. However, I can definitely see her strutting through Manhattan in a mini-dress with what appear to be shoulder pads from the Intergalactic Football League. These aren't actually shoulder pads, but rather, over decorated t-shirt sleeves. The end result is the same, though.

In a related note, can we please move past this whole shoulder pad resurgence? If you have broad shoulders, you can't wear them. And if you don't - come on. You're not fooling anyone with these things.

ModCloth Fashion Chalet Dress - $62.99

ModCloth Is Not American Apparel

I have nothing against shiny things. I love shiny things. Shinies are delightful.

The problem is, when shiny isn't done well, it looks cheap. And when it looks cheap, it looks like it's from American Apparel. Adding fringe to the underboob region doesn't make this look any less cheap. I guess it does distract from the cheap shiny fabric on top, which is doing very strange things to the mannequin's chest. Seriously, doesn't it kind of make the mannequin look like a Fembot?

Sequins are tricky. Done wrong, the sequins end up looking mottled. Done wrong, shiny and tight, the dress ends up looking like something you modeled at a company photoshoot, during which your creepy mutton-chopped boss pawed at you, then afterward propositioned you.

ModCloth, you did shiny so well here. Aim for pretty shiny, not trashy American Apparel shiny.

Shiny.

Shiny, shiny, shiny ... I'm sorry, what?

ModCloth Kick Line Dress$54.99
ModCloth Tis the Season to Shine Dress - $49.99
ModCloth Polaris Dress - $99.99

Long Island Royalty

Much like Taylor Swift, I love sparkly dresses. I really do, even if I criticize them more often than I praise them. In fact, in the SNL monologue in my head, I have an entire song devoted to how much I love them. So, it's quite possible that I might love sparkly dresses more than Taylor Swift.

Except this one. I don't love this one. It's called the "Island Princess Dress," I guess because it looks like sequined Birds of Paradise are gently cupping her bosoms, as Birds of Paradise are wont to do.

However, I question if it's designed for an Island Princess, or if it's better suited for a Long Island princess who's going to her school's homecoming and will probably get drunk in the limo on a Smirnoff Ice, then start all kinds of mad drama with her best friend whose boyfriend she hooked up with last week everyone knows it, but whatever, it's not like it really counts because he's not even that into her anyways, and her nose job looks totally fake.

Wait. Actually, can we find out who's buying these dresses, and then put some reality show cameras on them?

French Connection Island Jersey Dress - $188

Face Time

Most girls have used, or wanted to say, "my eyes are up here," to a guy at some point. With these shirts, you don't have to.



Like this shirt. The face seems to be looking out disdainfully, as if to say, "Really? You think you stand a chance?" Keep in mind, that's a rhetorical question. The answer is always, "no."



As for this shirt, the face serves as a vehicle for sequins. Sequins and a big floppy bow, both of which can distract from an unwanted gaze. Yeah, it may kind of look like a big black bow is exploding from an aureole, but at least all the sequins create shiny objects to stare at.



Speaking of sequins ...



My only question is, what happened to her nose? Why design a face without a nose? Are noses not in for this season? I guess it's part of all the Michael Jackson styles that have come back into fashion. Oh, fashion designers. What will they think of next?

Forever 21 Model Face Slub Top - $12.80
Forever 21 Jewelled Girl Tee - $12.80
Forever 21 Modelliste Tee - $19.80

No Palette for Pailletes

My first thought about this dress was that it wasn't particularly flattering on the model. I was more than happy, though, to move on, leaving be the dress, its hip-widening powers, and the poor model.



Then, I saw that it came in another color combination.



I'm sorry, but what the hell were they thinking? Giant black pailletes with massive red ruffled sleeves and a ruffled neckline? Who would this be flattering on? Sorry, let me rephrase that: is there anyone out there who could wear this dress without looking like a linebacker? Because I really, really don't see that happening.

Oh, and the pailletes don't even go all the way around, so they're just kind of a big sparkly smock.




Which, on the blue, isn't too bad. But imagine that on the red. You have giant black discs on the front, but on the back, just the remnants of the massive ruffles. I'm sure pailletes aren't particularly expensive, and I doubt that this is carefully hand-crafted. Would it have been so difficult for them to continue the pailletes to the back, just for the sake of continuity?


Forever 21 Sequin Ruffle Dress- $49

I'm Not Afraid To Say It

I unabashedly love these.



I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know they're impractical, will be wildly unflattering on almost everyone, and will wear terribly. I know. They're awful.

But oh my god, I love them.

Topshop Pink Sequin Hotpants - $50

Stop Hammertime.

Look, I get that Topshop is supposed to feature cutting-edge fashion. I get it.

That does not make reintroducing Hammerpants acceptable.



They call these "Dancefloor Trousers," but let's be honest: if you wear these on the dancefloor, odds are you're either a super dope homeboy from the Oak town, or you lost a bet.



And if you don't feel like going full-Hammer, you can go halfway and wear these totally flattering low-crotch knickers. You don't need a purse when you have a crotch this low. You can just drop your cell phone in the elastic waist and go knowing that the elasticized leg openings will keep anything important from slipping out.



I'm all for sequins - how can you not be, they're so shiny! You can just stare at them and forget everything around you because SHINY. SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY - what? Sorry. Right. Hammerpants.

But you don't need this many sequins. And I can only imagine that the inside thigh sequins will wear thing very quickly and either bend or get skewed and just in general make the pants look like they're molting. They already kind of look like they're molting. And pants shouldn't molt.



These make you look like you have elephant crotch. As in, the crotch of an elephant. I don't know why that's where my mind goes, but that's what it looks like. Elephant crotch. And that's not a good thing.

In sum: please don't make me continue to go over all the ways in which these are not flattering. Let's just accept that, much like Jordan made Perry throw out his hammerpants on Scrubs, so too should we as a consumerist body throw out all hammerpants. Please. I'm begging you.

Topshop Dancefloor Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Snakeskin Print Hareems - $50
Topshop Sequin Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Hareem Tie Waist Trousers - $60

Jazz Hands

According to the description on the site, "if you should wear this little black vest, and it just so happens you do wear this little black vest, well, if anyone should ask you why, you say, 'I think it's pretty!'"



I would suggest two other possible answers:

1. "Duh, it's shiny."

2. "It's part of my costume for Chicago."


ModCloth Perfectly Marvelous Vest - $42.99

Costume Ideas #3 - Downtown Charlie Brown

Relentless in my quest to find you the perfect Halloween costume, I present to you:



Charlie Brown. Pair with a freakishly large head, some bermuda shorts, and a general look of misery.

And, because it wouldn't Halloween without it ...



Slutty Charlie Brown.

(The backstory can be that Charlie was always so unhappy because he never felt comfortable in his own skin, so when he was old enough, he got a sex change. Sadly, Charlene Brown couldn't escape her bad luck, so she wound up stripping and working street corners to make ends meet).

Mod Cloth The Perfect Hostess Cardigan - $59.99
Forever 21 Zig Zag Sequin Top - $19.80