Costume Ideas #16: Lost & Found

Were you hoping to wear a jaunty cap with your Halloween costume this year?

A better dressed Wenda (or Wilma) from Where's Waldo? - or, if you're feeling a little more adventurous, a cross-dressing Waldo.

ModCloth Pom-Pomegranate Hat - $24.99
American Apparel Stripe Pocket Frock - $41

Street Walking

Do you love hookers with a heart of gold, but get sick of wearing that same old Pretty Woman tee-shirt?



Thanks to Guess, now you can add some variety to your wardrobe.

Guess Phoebe Ruby Tee - $39

Costume Ideas #15: Andrew Lloyd Webber Presents

Looking to go a little biblical this Halloween, but want to keep your unique style?



Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Cardigan!

Although, if you have six older brothers, I do not recommend wearing this.

Forever21 Rainbow Toggle Sweater Cardigan - $27.80

Costume Ideas #14: Sexy Star Wars

Want to be a sexy character from Star Wars, but sick of the Slave Leia costume? Well, here's your chance.



That's right. You can be a sexy Wookie.

Forever 21 Urban Faux Fur Vest - $24.80

The Apex of Outerwear

I would definitely agree that this is the Ultimate Jewelled Jacket.



Mostly because, at $410, if you need more than one of these, you're an idiot.

Topshop Ultimate Jewelled Jacket - $410

Costume Ideas #13: The Rainbow Connection

Do you live in L.A.? Are you planning on going to the West Hollywood Halloween Parade?

Do you want to be wildly popular?

Wear this dress and a "No on Prop 8" button.

Modcloth Prism Dress - $47.99

Costume Ideas #12: Hooker

For when "Slutty ___" is just too complicated.



Enjoy.

Forever 21 Cire Slip Dress - $19.80

Hip To It

I like to think of peplums - wait, let me put in a disclaimer: I don't like to think of peplums.



But when I am forced to, I like to think of peplums as garnish for your hips. It's like the parsley that comes on your plate along with a cheeseburger. You don't need it, you're not going to use it, and all it's doing is adding more stuff to the plate and making it harder to maneuver.



That's what the peplum on this skirt is doing: adding bulk around your cheeseburger platter and making it harder to maneuver.

TopShop Taffeta Peplum Skirt - $70

Costume Ideas #11: Hip-Ho, Hip-Ho

Is one of your friends going as a slutty Snow White? Want to provide a slightly more unusual counterpoint?

Hipster Dopey.

Pair with a big purple jacket from Forever 21, and a pair of purple pants or leggings (which are not pants), and you're set.

Forever 21 Soft Sweater Beanie - $3.50
Forever 21 Loop Button Swing Coat - $22.80
American Apparel Unisex Slim Slack - $74

Costume Ideas #10: Punk... eh. Ish. Ballerina

Most little girls go through a phase where they want to be a ballerina. This was always especially evident at Halloween, when you would always have at least one girl in a puffy pink tutu and a slicked back bun.

But, over time, that fades, and girls become teenagers or 20-somethings who want to wear something sexy and fun.

Unless, of course, you don't want to be yet another slutty Snow White. In which case, have I got a dress for you ...



Maybe it's just me, but this dress, paired with some Doc Martins, would probably work as a punk ballerina dress.



As a dress itself - independent of the costume aspect - I really don't like it. I hate the proportions. In theory, the skirt works, but it manages to be too puffy coming out of the t-shirt. And also, it's attached to a t-shirt. A t-shirt. The sleeves are too long, the waist is too low, and it's a t-shirt. A weird, misshapen t-shirt.

Oh, and it comes in Fleshy Pink. And you know how I feel about Fleshy Pink.

Forever 21 Lace Trim Dress - $39

Eye of the Tiger

I don't get it. I don't.



Won't half the tiger's face be obscured by whatever bottoms you're wearing? Are you supposed to just not wear pants so as to show the full tiger face? Because if that's the case, please don't do that. We all know what tigers look like; we don't all need to know how efficient your waxer is.

Topshop Tiger Face Bodysuit - $32

Costume Ideas #9: Norma Desmond

Done.

You have to find the pinky cigarette holder, the sweeping robes, the devoted butler, and the handsome unemployed writer. I found the hard part.

Forever 21 Knitted Turban - $5.80

Costume Ideas #8: Silk Spectre I

This isn't actually a sarcastic post. I'm actually trying to be helpful here.

No, seriously.

This is Silk Spectre II, and yes, she's super hot, has a sexy latex costume, and perfect hair.

So, every nerd's girlfriend is going to be going as Silk Spectre II this year (from Watchmen, for those of you who aren't giant geeks).

However, no one will be going as her retro-foxy mom, Silk Spectre I (aka, Sally).

Except for you.

All you'll need is a stitch ripper to take the ruffles off the top, one of these two belts (the zip one is more accurate, but I like the gold, it looks more superheroish).

Add some arm-length gloves, a black bustier, a garter belt, and thigh-high fishnets, and you're set.

Forever 21 Shimmer Sleeveless Ruffle Shirt - $19.80
Forever 21 Zip Front Waist Belt - $4.80
Forever 21 Azteca Waist Belt - $7.80

Make Waves

Because if there's one thing whales don't do ...

Forever 21 Make Waves Tote - $1.80

Costume Ideas #7: All in the Family

Want to go really, really dark for Halloween?



I know. This dress doesn't exactly scream dark, but pair it with some flowers in your hair and smear it with fake blood and you can go as a member of the Manson family.

Forever 21 Delft Tea Gown - $27.80

Where The Wild Things Are

I love Modcloth. Their clothes are, 80% of the time, absolutely adorable and unusual. Yeah, they end up on the site a lot, but that's only because I spend so much time surfing it for clothes I want to buy, and it's always striking when I find something that is unappealing.

They made it too easy this time, though.

This dress is called the "Chest-ire Cat Maxi dress," and what I hate most about it is that they spoiled my absolutely brilliant pun.

I like how it's emerging from the matrix, just like the actual Cheshire Cat. Only difference is, from the look on his face, this is a Lolire cat, and he's about to ask, "I can haz chezeburgr?"

I guess you can wear this dress when your Three Wolf Moon Tee just isn't formal enough.

And this dress, I'm pretty sure, is available for purchase at that same store that sells the Native American-made blankets and dreamcatchers.

ModCloth Chest-ire Cat Maxi Dress - $49.99
ModCloth Wolf Form Maxi Dress - $49.99
ModCloth Wild Horses Maxi Dress - $49.99

Gilding the Lillies

I like my breasts. I think they're special and unique and delightful.



They do not, however, need their own hemline.

ModCloth Harvest Time Bouquet Maxi Dress - $64.99

These Jumpsuits Are Terrible

I have been dreading writing about these jumpsuits. Dreading. In the way that, whenever I look at them, writing this blog stops being fun and starts being a chore, because I know I have to write about these eventually. I have to; they're too horrible not to be covered here. I've had these saved to my computer for at least two weeks, but I've avoided writing about them.

Why?

Because I don't know what to say. They're that horrible. Behold, and you too can lose your faith in clothing.

I'm pretty sure the only people who can wear these and have them fit properly are women on South Park.





Dissected individually ...


There's no waist. Instead, it blouses out around where one might carry a spare tire. If one doesn't have a spare tire, by the time you're done wearing it, you'll have one. Then it gathers, and flares again, creating an all-around unappealing look. It appears to be ill-fitting through the legs, and that's when it's on a mannequin. The effect is probably not made any better on a live person.

This defies the rule that black is slimming. This is slimming only if, upon seeing yourself in it, you can't hold down food for two weeks.



Well, it's ... roomy.

The color is awful. I can't imagine a skin tone it would be flattering on. As a positive, it doesn't taper into skinny legs, like the black one does. However, it does end up being puffy and ending in large cuffs, reminding you of how you've imprisoned yourself in a hideous jumpsuit.

I am not kidding when I say that these jumpsuits are deeply upsetting. They are being sold to the public, and I'm afraid that people are buying them. Not just buying them, but paying $160+ for them. How is this still legal?

Topshop Premium Silk Halter Jumpsuit - $160
Topshop Premium Silk Floral Jumpsuit - $160

Jazz Hands

According to the description on the site, "if you should wear this little black vest, and it just so happens you do wear this little black vest, well, if anyone should ask you why, you say, 'I think it's pretty!'"



I would suggest two other possible answers:

1. "Duh, it's shiny."

2. "It's part of my costume for Chicago."


ModCloth Perfectly Marvelous Vest - $42.99

Glad Bags

I always hated the challenges on America's Next Top Model or Project Runway where the contestants would have to either design or model clothes made out of recycled materials. I'm sorry, I just don't see how constructing a dress out of newspapers makes you a good designer. I don't. I'm dense like that.



Or, at least, I always hated those challenges until recently. Now, it makes sense, given that stores are designing clothes made from recycled trash bags.

Guess Dahlia Top - $59

String Theory

I've found the clothing equivalent of the mullet.



Business in the front.



Skanky in the back.

The shredded look isn't exclusive to Guess - Forever 21 brings us the top below. I'm not sure when this became a trend, but apparently, it's a thing.



Now, maybe it's just me, but I'd totally put my head through one of the strings by accident. That was always the problem I had with ripped jeans, and that was a problem I had when I could see where my feet were supposed to go. I can't imagine a shirt would be any easier.



I'm not sure what the purpose of those grommets are, but I'm sure they're structurally vital. They wouldn't just be there, superfluously showing off skin, right? Surely not.



Here's a nice change of pace: revealing the sides, rather than the back. Which is great, because I've always wanted to better showcase my stretch marks.



Although, I will say, I don't hate the strings on the shoulders. Granted, they don't leave much room for a bra strap, but it's a nice change from cap sleeves. Doesn't change the fact that I am not a fan of the side panels. I wonder if you can draw them closed, like slatted window blinds.

Guess Ballet Neck Tube Tee - $23.40
Guess Jeanette Dress - $79
Forever 21 Grommet Fringe Back Top - $19.80

TopShop, by Nanook.

I know winter came early to the Northeast this. year.

But unless you live in frozen tundra, it can never be cold enough to justify wearing this. Ever.

TopShop Knitted Balaclava - $32

Unsuitable

Hey, look, Topshop keeps selling bodysuits!



Hey, you know what those seams are not? Flattering. Also, apparently this is acid washed denim, and the TopShop website advises you to "wear with this season's hareem trousers." It's very nice of them to roll all the trends I hate into one outfit, so I can better dismiss it out of hand.



As for this one, I'm just thinking, aren't bodysuits supposed to be sort of a foundational garment, or suitable for layering? Because this is a lace bodysuit, and I'm pretty sure there's no way for this not to be inappropriate for streetwear, unless you're walking the streets. And if that's the case, I'd say you're doing very well for yourself, given than you're wearing a $50 lace bodysuit. So, go you, I guess.

Topshop Seamed Bodysuit - $36
Topshop Full Sleeve Lace Bodysuit - $50

Strapless No More

As a top-heavy girl (man, a lot of my posts revolve around my boobs), I rarely get to wear a strapless dress. Shoshanna is the only designer out there who is able to create enough scaffolding to keep my rack in check.

So, I do understand the difficulty of strapless dresses, and why one might create this hybrid creature:



I've been seeing these everywhere - this tank/strapless dress fusion. And while part of me kind of likes it, because they occasionally do look sort of funky, the fact that it's omnipresent sort of defeats the purpose. You're not, theoretically, trying to look like you're layering a tank and a strapless dress in a feat of sartorial ingenuity. Instead, you're buying a dress from Forever 21 with a tank built in. It's like how, five years ago, those sweaters with the sewn-in collars were popular. Only worse, because at least those sweater hybrids solved a real problem: layering a button-down and a sweater is tricky. But I don't get any sense of functionality with the tank/strapless hybrid.

And, in fact, I think this dress could almost border on cute if it just had its own tank straps. I hate the ruching around the bust - it always ends up looking like a cheap 80's prom dress, when paired with that heart neckline. But I love the multiple hems, especially with the metallic fabric. If you could keep them hem and create a tank or boatneck style top, this dress would end up in my closet, rather than on my blog.

Oh, Forever 21. When will you learn that chymera clothing only ends in tears?

Forever 21 Belted Contrast-Tiered Dress - $46

Dark Mistress Belt

I've never been afraid of an accessory.

Until now.

I'm pretty sure it was made out of some medieval torture device. This is a belt that has its own dungeon. And it will not relent until you feel pain.

Fear the belt. It will destroy you.

TopShop Multi Elastic Corset Belt - $44

Turtlenecking

Apparently, my understanding of turtlenecks has been rudimentary at best.



See, I always thought that a person wears a turtleneck in one of two situations. The first being, because it's cold outside. Fairly straightforward. But if that's the case, I'm not sure why it's necessary for a turtleneck to have sleeves that lace up.



Situation two, on the other hand, may shed more light on the situation. Situation two is if one is a character in a sitcom, and you're trying to hide an ill-placed hickey.

In situation two, you will inevitably be in warm weather, and much humor will be derived from trying to explain why you're wearing a turtleneck. If that's the case, lace-up sleeves make perfect sense, as they allow for ventilation and therefore a rudimentary cooling system.

Your demure pose doesn't fool me, Turtleneck Model. I know what you've been up to.

Guess Lace Up Turtleneck - $69