Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Eyeliner of the Undead

This isn't a post about a particular item. It's more of a general question.

Is orange eyeliner going to be a thing? Because I really, really am not a fan. It makes even the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth look kind of like she has Zombie-Jaundice, a disease that manifests itself in skin discoloration and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

This is unfortunate, because as we've seen many times, she does not have Zombie-Jaundice. She has very nice skin, perfectly normal eyelids, and as far as I can tell, no overwhelming desire to eat brains.

And, more importantly, if that's what orange eyeliner is doing to the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth - a girl who has pulled off both a comically tiny hat and a giant floppy bow, what would it do to the eyelids of us mere mortals?

ModCloth But Enough A-Bow Me Hair Clip - $13.99

Where's Mothra?

This is a perfectly nice dress. If I saw it on someone at a party, I would probably admire it, maybe even ask where she got it.

But if I saw the back out of the corner of my eye, it would startle the crap out of me.

ABS by Allen Schwartz Tee Dress with Butterfly Back - $185 $148

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Fall Out Of It

After spending some time on The Gap website the other day, looking at their denim tuxedos, I've figured out The Gap Conundrum.

What is The Gap Conundrum? It's deceptive in its simplicity. Basically, it boils down to the question: why is The Gap so terrible, when so much of what they sell are basics?

I almost feel bad posting about The Gap. It's like picking on 9th grade me for wearing a denim tuxedo - it's just too easy. Their declining sales have been widely publicized for years. They clearly can't figure out who their market is, or what they want their niche to be. More often than not, their styling choices lean more toward "wrinkled and ill-fitting." And that is the problem.

This does not look appealing. I do not want to wear this shirt. It does not look like it fits the model right. I don't care how happy she is while wearing it, there's no reason that the arm holes should be so low that they create that kind of pulling and folding through the chest.

This is a t-shirt from J.Crew. It's $6 more, but look at the difference in fit. See how it looks crisp? That is because it fits, and that is what The Gap fails at. None of their womenswear looks like it fits.

This is another shot of their "Favorite Stretch T." My only thought: If I wanted to buy a shirt that's not fitted, I'd shop at Eileen Fischer.

I've bought perfectly fitting t-shirts from Forever 21 before, and those were $5, so this isn't a case where price determines accuracy of the fit. No, this is a problem with The Gap.

What's interesting is, from what I can tell, their fit on men's clothing appears to be fine. It's hard to say for sure, because they seem adverse to posting pictures of male models wearing their clothes, but from the few pictures I've seen, the clothes seem to fit the men better.

So, where's the disconnect? Why is J.Crew capable of making a t-shirt that, at least on the model, appears to live up to the title of "perfect T", while the Gap struggles to make the style work on women who exist solely to look good in clothing?

It's too bad. I remember the Gap heyday, when people would randomly start swing dancing in the streets while wearing khakis. That was the influence of The Gap.

Now, I can't remember the last time I bought something from The Gap. Okay, I take that back. I think I bought a belt from them once.

Maybe I'm misguided here. Maybe the problem with The Gap isn't in their ill-fitting staples and unappealing styling.

But honestly, I don't know a single person who isn't always looking for a good basic t-shirt. If they could fill that niche - if they could get back to the clothes that fit right and look sharp - I'd start shopping there again. And given how many t-shirts I have in my drawer, my business would probably help a lot.

The Gap Favorite Stretch T - $16.50 $10
J. Crew Perfect Fit Short-Sleeve Crewneck T-Shirt - $22.50 or 2 for $30

The Horse Might Not Agree

I've commented before on ModCloth's naming choices.

These are the "Great Gelding Galoshes." And while I can't check the horses to say for sure that the name is, in fact, accurate - well, it's close enough. And it is alliterative.

So, from now on, I'm totally going to start exclaiming "Great Geldings!" in daily conversation. I suggest you join me. It's going to be the new thing.

It may not be hilarious at first, but imagine it in the voice of Christopher Lloyd.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The One With the Flow Chart

See, this is why I try to avoid the Topshop website.

Because they sell things like this. This is a fishnet skirt. That they are selling. To people. For money.

Many times, I will ask the public at large, "Who would wear this?" or "Why would you wear this?

This is not one of those times.

No, in case you're wondering whether or not you should wear this skirt, I've made a helpful flow chart. Click to enlarge.

There. Problem solved.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Are You Jellin'?

As evidenced by earlier posts, I'm more than happy to talk about my own fashion past, especially if it's 90s related.

So it is without shame that I admit that yes, I totally owned a pair of jellies back when I was 6 or 7. I begged my mom to buy them for me, she reluctantly agreed, and I wore them until they fell apart, despite the fact that they gave me terrible blisters. Because, as far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, chicest thing ever.

I don't really have a problem with their resurgence. I'm now an adult and I know better than to buy jellies, so the trend doesn't really affect me much. It mostly just makes me nostalgic for the days when I still thought that my jellies and bike shorts were a combination the likes of which hadn't been seen since some guy got chocolate in another dude's peanut butter.




Oh my god, these are totally orthopedic jellies, and that's just sullying the good name of all that six year old Amanda holds dear. These are not okay, Forever 21. These are not okay at all.

Forever 21 Jelly Strap Sandal - $6.80

Fuzzy Memory

Okay. I don't know why, but whenever I look at this dress, all I can think is "Ewok."

I don't know if it's the texture of the dress, or the color, or the fact that the sleeves kind of remind me of ears. It's obviously some combination of the three. But regardless, every time I look at that dress, I see this:

Or, at least, I see their pelts. Which apparently retail for about $250.

Topshop Ruffle Dress - $250

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Wow. There is a whole lot of pattern happening here.

So, odds are, we should expect to see it on Vanessa wearing it on Gossip Girl some time before the end of the season.

ModCloth PiƱata Leggings - $37.99

If you like Gossip Girl fashions, check out the other blog I sometimes write for, You Know You Love Fashion.

A Sign of Things To Come

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!

Says fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.

Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - $355 $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


You can thank Leilani G. for sending this one to me.

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you're ready for anything!

It's true - these sandals perfectly convey "I'm ready for anything - I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank."

And now, I'll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
I question her sartorial judgement.

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal - $114.99

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Mid-Rise Cowboy

I think it's time to disown The Gap.

They're trying to make the denim tuxedo happen.

I get that The Gap's trademark is their denim. And don't get me wrong, I love jeans and am vehemently anti-imitation denim.


I made the mistake of wearing a denim jacket with jeans once in my life. I was in 9th grade, I wore it to school, and the minute my mom dropped me off, I knew I had made a terrible error. Because I am not, nor will I ever be, a cowboy, and those are the only people who can make this work.

So I stood there, frozen, in front of my high school. For some reason, the simple solution of "take off the jacket" didn't occur to me.

There are no pictures of this day, so I asked Matt Damon to re-enact it for me.

Yeah, that's pretty much the expression on my face when I realized that what I was wearing was not okay.

For some reason, they're only inflicting this trend on women, possibly because we're more susceptible to the whims of the fashion industry. The men get to escape with your standard denim shirt/jeans pairing. It's not great, but at least it's not a full denim suit.

It took me a couple minutes to figure out whether your western shirt was dip dyed. If that were the case, I would rescind my statement about the men escaping relatively unscathed.

Anyone else think this model studied the Old Spice commercial in order to master this expression? I feel like he's about to offer me tickets to that thing I like. If only he were on a horse, I might have given Gap a pass entirely. Yeah, I am that easy.

The Gap Fit Together Denim Women's Shop
The Gap Fit Together Denim Men's Shop

Ruff Contrast

This delightful Forever 21 top was posted by reader Melissa K. on the Facebook fan page.

It took me a little while to get over my total and utter disappointment at having wasted my dilophosaurus comparison on these leggings. Because, really, this goes beyond just an Elizabethan neck ruff, like J.Crew was selling last fall.

No, this is a retractable neck frill. There isn't a doubt in my mind. So, the next question becomes, why did the top evolve to have a neck ruff? What is the evolutionary purpose?

In nature, a frill is often used to make the animal look larger to potential predators. Color is also a defense mechanism, as bright colors like red are often a warning sign that the animal is poisonous.

In this case, though, I'd say it's a warning for potential wearers.

Also, if you like dinosaurs, check out my post about the SyFy channel movie Dinoshark over at my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All.

Forever 21 Contrast Collar Top - $28

Monday, March 22, 2010

On Pajama Jeans

So, apparently, Pajama Jeans exist.

That's right. Pajama jeans. They look like jeans but feel like pajamas! How is that not everything you've ever dreamed of and more?

They've already received a ton of press. Recently, they were featured on AOL's Stylist blog, in an article titled: Pajama Jean Confessions: I Wore Them to Fashion Week. The writer tries to convince us that not only did she wear these to Fashion Week, but she received compliments on them. I suppose the idea isn't so outlandish - after all, having seen some of the things the fashion community puts out, it's hard to be truly shocked by what they like these days.

All the same, I don't get it. I'm ashamed to admit that, until I found a blog on the subject, I hadn't even thought of these as jeggings. I was so fooled into the marketing that I genuinely thought of Pajama Jeans as a unique product. But no, the Glamour blog is right: these are bootcut jeggings, marketed to moms and bloggers. The difference is solely in the marketing. While jeggings are what you wear if you're "fashion-forward" (supposedly), Pajama Jeans are what you wear when you're trying to break free of the fashion rat race.

Because, obviously, fashion is supposed to be uncomfortable. Jeans are an eternal struggle. I mean, come on. Haven't you read Cathy? Women and jeans are mortal enemies, like mega sharks and giant octopi. Remember, until Pajama Jeans, the only way to be fashionable was to dress like Lady Gaga.

Thank god for Pajama Jeans, right? Finally, we have a way to be fashionable that doesn't require wearing a top made of Muppets. And that seems downright practical when compared to the torture chamber known as jeans.

Oh, wait. Sorry, I confused jeans with skintight leather pants. My bad. Skintight leather pants are torturous, jeans are widely known for their comfort and ease of use.

When I saw Pajama Jeans for the first time, my initial thought was: "more comfortable jeans aren't necessary, nor are pajamas that can be worn in public." But these arguments just seem so absurdly obvious, it feels unnatural to have to state them. And yet, here I am, arguing it in the face of Pajama Jeans.

I love my jeans. As I write this, I'm sitting on my bed, wearing jeans. Until seeing Pajama Jeans, it never occurred to me that this might be unusual. Is it? Is it so peculiar, that I find jeans to be comfortable enough to wear both around the house and out in public? Am I to believe that, out of all these jeans, not a single pair will be comfortable?

I have spent hours musing upon Pajama Jeans, and the trend toward "clothes that look like jeans but aren't." I'm desperately trying to figure this fashion movement out. And there's only one question I keep coming back to:

When did jeans stop being good enough?

No, seriously. When did we decide that the blessing of denim needed to be improved upon? What's next - the wheel?

Whenever we, as a society, try to find a replacement for a staple, it ends up being bad for us. We replaced butter with margarine, and look where that got us (other than a lot of entertaining Fabio commercials). We've subbed out sugar in favor of high fructose corn syrup, and no good has come of that. When the world becomes overpopulated, we switch from real meats and produce to Soylent Green wafers, and I'll let Mr. Heston tell you how that one ended (spoiler alert!)

No good comes of eschewing a staple for an imitation, and no good will come of the jeggings/Pajama Jeans trend. Our children will look at pictures of us in ten years and laugh, the same way we laughed at our parents for their massive shoulder pads and permed hair. We, as a fashion community, will come to regret the day that we decided jeans just weren't good enough. But by then, I fear it may be too late.

So sport your jeggings, regardless of the fact that they're too tight on you and your shirt isn't long enough to cover your camel toe. Wear your Pajama Jeans to work, claiming no one can tell the difference even though they totally can.

But, as you pull up the elastic waist of your Pajama Jeans, know that you're destroying so much of what makes this country great: that no matter what you're doing, no matter where you're going, jeans always work. Not jeggings, not Pajama Jeans, not whatever freakish permutation emerges next. Jean - real denim jeans - will always be appropriate.

Pajama Jeans - $39.95

Boop Who?

I've never been much of a Betty Boop fan. I mean, what does she do, other than totter around, struggling to maintain upright despite an abnormally large head?

I am, however, pretty sure that Betty Boop would never dress in this outfit. In fact, if Betty Boop were a real person, I would totally understand her suing for defamation of character, solely because of how hideous the pants are.

She'd have no problem winning. It's hard to rule against a woman who breaks into song in the courtroom.

Forever 21 Betty Boop Tank - $13.80

Friday, March 19, 2010


Somebody call 911. A horrible crime has been committed.

No sneaker deserves to go out like this. They should be worn until they're falling apart, having lived a full life, until the soles are threadbare and the rubber is cracking around the edges.

These poor sneakers have been brutally attacked by the Converse Cutter. If you have any information that can help us find the perpetrator, please send it to your local authorities.

In the meantime, hide your hi-tops. Look after your low-tops. Protect your Purcells. Take care of your Converse.
Free People Shredded Converse - $128

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Yes, Nice Things About F21

My cousin is getting married in a few months (congratulations, Erin!), and she has a bridal shower coming up. I was surfing Forever 21 for a dress to wear to the shower, when I came across these two dresses.

After staring at them for several minutes, I still can't decide if these dresses are actually cute, or if I'm just losing my mind.

I know that, technically, this is a blog about the things that I wouldn't wear (hence, "You Want Me To Wear What?" rather than "Why Would Anyone Ever Wear This?"). In this case, though, neither of these dresses would work on me. At all.

But on a thin girl, I think this dress could be pretty amazing. Not just in the usual Lucky fashion tips way of "Add curves with tiers!" No, I think this could actually work on someone with less of an hourglass because the dress itself is really interesting to look at. The colors go together, the layers work, and it kind of reminds me of a deconstructed bandage dress. A softer, deconstructed take is a welcome change from what I always felt was a harsh, almost militaristic style.

As for this, I wouldn't have liked it, had I not seen it on a model.

I'm actually kind of curious to try the dress. I don't think it will look good on me, but I just want to give it a shot. I like that it curves and creates the illusion of corsetting without having to go through the trouble of wearing a corset. I like that it's kind of a play on the t-shirt under a dress thing that's been happening lately. Essentially, the dress is kind of just an optical illusion, but in the good way. In the, "Doesn't give me headaches" way.

With all of Forever 21's attempts at couture - all their weird, overdone, excessively designed dresses, if you had described these dresses to me, I would have thought you were out of your mind - Forever 21 can't touch something unusual and not make it bizarre. But no, I'm actually pretty sure that these dresses are kind of awesome.


Forever 21 Rendezvous Pleat Dress - $29.80
Forever 21 Attention Colorblock Dress - $19.80

The Side-Tie Returns

Several months ago, I posted a Forever 21 shirt that tied on the side, just like I used to wear my shirts back in junior high. I thought maybe it was the start of a new trend, but I hadn't seen one since.

Until now. Hollister's spring line features a shirt that, had Hollister existed 15 years ago, ten year old Amanda would have been all about. I'd throw on a pair of denim shorts I'd cut myself, mismatched hi-top Converse, and maybe a pair or two of scrunched down socks, and I'd be a very, very happy little dork.

And yes, I realize that, by 1995, I was late to those trends. But it's not that I was late, per se. It's just that I let everyone else test them, first.

Hollister & Co. Crescent Bay T - $19.50

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Price Isn't Right

When did J. Crew get all fancy?

Yes, I realize that J. Crew has had, for several years now, a high-end line called "The J. Crew Collection."

Apparently, it's high-quality - I mean, it would have to be, with that price tag. And, as seen in this close-up of the sequin dress, they have a creative approach to what has been a huge trend over the last year - in this case, using three sizes of sequins to give texture and dimension to the dress.

But it's still a total disconnect for me to go from looking at $98 pencil skirts to an almost $900 sequined shift dress.

Or a $1,400 disco ball.

J. Crew Waterfall Sequin Sweater Dress - $895
J. Crew Le Sequin Crochet Dress - $1,400

Free the Feet

Okay, until the other day, I had absolutely no idea that Free People sells the ugliest shoes in the world.

And they do. These are a close second to the Slouchy Clogs of Doom posted on Friday.

It's nice that they've provided such sturdy ankle support when wearing a high wedge like that. Well, it's either sturdy ankle support, or these are actually straight jackets for your feet.

These, much like the Slouchy Clogs of Doom, are styled with a pair of shorts. Look, if it's hot enough out that you're wearing shorts, maybe you shouldn't be wearing a heavy leather shoe.

I doubt these shoes breathe much, and you're not wearing socks with them (please, don't wear socks with them, that'd be even worse). So basically, when you wear these shoes as styled, you're subjecting your feet to an entire day of being submerged in a sweat bath while wearing a straight jacket. That's just not right to do to your feet.

Your feet haven't done anything to you. They allow you to move from place to place. Without them, your calves would look really weird. If you're Uma Thurman, it's the reason Quentin Tarantino keeps casting you in movies.

Your feet still love you after you've walked too far in uncomfortable shoes. They love you if you go a month without a pedicure, until your toenail polish has entirely chipped off. Even if you stub your toe, your foot heels back up as quickly as it can, so it can keep on working for you.

So why would you do this to your feet? With all they've done for you, don't you think you owe it to them to not wear this shoes?

Free People Arrowhead Wedge - $248

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Frill of the Hunt

Oh crap, you guys. Stand very, very still.

I think we've startled the leggings.

Forever 21 Mesh Ruffle Trim Leggings - $24

Fight or Flight

Somtimes, I'm presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don't know what to say.

Maybe it's just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn't, in the words of my friend Sarah, "look like a scene from Vietnam."

In case you're not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she's been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It's as if she's saying to us, "Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don't care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down."

I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I'll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward "pony?"

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y'know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don't, because I wouldn't wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.

I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren't models). Because, if there's one body part you want to texturize, it's the butt. Women are always saying to themselves "My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance." Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I'm so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I'm not saying these aren't original. They are. They're very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn't always mean "good."

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit - $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit - $169.99

Monday, March 15, 2010


I try not to comment on celebrity fashion, as there are sites that do it far better than I. However, I saw this billboard today for the new cycle of America's Next Top Model, and I had to share it.

I have just one question: when did American Apparel start sponsoring America's Next Top Model?

America's Next Top Model - Wednesdays at 8pm on the CW