Monday, November 30, 2009

Just One Question

No, really. I have just one question:

Why do these exist?

No, really. Why does this abomination exist? These are high-rise shorts. High-rise satin shorts. I cannot think of any case in which these would ever be flattering. Ever, ever, ever. And that's not even dealing with the lace-up fronts, which I guess serves to - you know, I can't even begin to guess what the purpose of the lace-up front is.

Here's the back. With an elastic panel. Naturally. Because when you're wearing high-waist shorts, you're going to want everyone to see the massive elastic panel on your back. It so delightfully compliments the mom-jeans flat butt that a high rise will inevitably give you.

So, again, I ask: Why do these exist?

Forever 21 Satin Lace Up Short - $17.80

A Wee Bit Strange

Pins have their place and time. My grandmother often wears an unusual pin on her jacket, and it can look very stylish (then again, my grandmother is remarkably chic). So, I like pins. I get pins.

Most of the time. Clearly, in this case, I'm missing something. Why would you pin a bladder to your jacket? What does that achieve? Yeah, it's kind of quirky, but it's not that quirky. I mean, the socks that looked like shoes were quirkier than a pin that looks like a bladder. I mean, at least with the socks that look like shoes, you can see how the thought process went.

Designer 1: Hey, what if we made socks that look like shoes?
Designer 2: ... That's just quirky enough to work!

By contrast, here's my best guess as to how the conversation for the pin went:

Designer 1: What if we made pins that look like organs!
Designer 2: What, like the instruments? I guess, but -
Designer 1: No, like, from the body. You know, spleens, livers -
Designer 2: I guess ...
Designer 1: We can draw them like little cartoons, and give them clever names. Like, we can draw a little cartoon bladder, and we can call it the "You're in for fun" pin.
Designer 2: Oh, like urine! Got it. Yeah, that's just quirky enough to work.

Those are a lot of steps involved in the creation of a pin that looks like a cartoon bladder. As was evidenced by the socks that look like shoes, the more effort required, the less quirky it is. So, if you're wearing a pin with a cartoon bladder on it, you're not quirky. You're just trying to be. And trying makes you even less quirky, so really, when you wear this pin, you're one of the most normal people in the world. Just a normal person, wearing a pin shaped like a cartoon bladder.

Now don't you feel like a jackass?

ModCloth You're in For Fun Bladder Pin - $4.99

Tulle Peplums

I've covered several peplums on this blog. So many, in fact, that I fancy myself, if not a connoisseur, at the very level an advanced student in peplumology.

With that in mind, I have to say, a tulle peplum just seems downright uncomfortable and scratchy.

Plus, the delicate fabric, right in prime sitting area, just seems like an error. All it takes is sitting down at the wrong angle once, and you're stuck with a dented peplum for life. And no one likes a dented peplum. They're just sad-looking, like a peacock with mottled plumage.

Forever 21 Tulle Peplum Knit Skirt - $26

Friday, November 27, 2009

Gleeful About Kurt

Look, I love Kurt from Glee as much as anyone.

But is it really a good idea to let him design a line of football-inspired fashions for Forever 21?

Forever 21 Embellished Shoulder Dress - $39.80

Two Boxes of Thin Mints?

I must have missed something.

When did Girl Scout couture become popular?

ModCloth Picture Day Jumper - $49.99

Stud Muffintop

Per the request of former roommate and devoted reader Ava, I'm adding some higher-end designers to the roster. Please give your warmest You Want Me To Wear What welcome to 7 For All Mankind!

... and their accompanying stud-waist jeans.

Yes, that's right. Stud-waisted jeans. Jeans with a built in chain of studs. I'd start talking about how unflattering it is to draw attention to what generally is the widest part of a woman's body. But, since they're skinny jeans, I guess that point's kind of moot, isn't it?

However, I can say one thing: how totally annoying will it be when one or two studs start falling off?

7 For All Mankind "Gwenevere" Skinny Jeans with Stud Waistband Chain in Rustic Wash - $215

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Things To Be Thankful For

With today being Thanksgiving, and the holidays just around the corner, I thought I'd be nice.

So. I'd be very thankful if someone would buy me this dress for Hanukkah.

ModCloth Ladies' Luncheon Dress - $79.99

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Heart Prewashed

Yes, but how does he feel about faux-vintage t-shirts?

Forever21 Jesus Loves Me Tee - $16.90

Flat, Snap, Button, Ugly

Sometimes I put on my corset top and my denim miniskirt, and I think, "If only this were one dress, made entirely of denim."

Ok, that's a lie. When I put on my corset top and denim miniskirt, I think, "Oh man, I really need to do some laundry."

This is one classy dress. You know it's classy because it's in dark denim, as opposed to faded or bleached denim.

What's really bugging me about this dress is that the buttons on the skirt aren't lined up with the buttons on the top. Do they need to be off-center? Is there a reason, other than to make me super-twitchy?

Oh, and there are front pockets. Here's the funny thing about pockets: if you have them on a skirt or dress, you will stick your hands in them. It's involuntary. Even if you don't normally stick your hands in pockets, you will do it when they're present on a skirt or dress. If you're doubtful, give it a shot and report back.

So, with that in mind, you know what this dress does not need? Front pockets, because you will stuff your hands in them, and any shot you have at poise in this dress will be gone.

Instead, you'll be wearing a dress short enough that even Serena on Gossip Girl would think twice about wearing it, but with your hands stuffed in your pockets, looking both skanky and awkward. Which is a fairly unusual combination, and maybe that's your look, in which case, via con dios. You're one of ten people in the world who actively aim for "skanky and awkward."

Forever 21 Flat Snap Buttoned Dress - $24.80

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

French Fried

Occasionally, Modcloth shoots for "Parisian chic." In this case, I'd say they overshot.

I mean, yes, my first thought was "French" when I saw this. but not in the good way. I thought "French" in the, "that's the kind of hat someone would design if they were aiming for 'French' but missed," kind of way. It's just comical in its not-Frenchness.

Even the Hardest Working Hat Model at ModCloth seems bemused. I wonder if she's thinking "I'm wearing a yarmulke with a pom-pom on the top."

Oh, and it's $73, and the way that it secures is with an elastic band. It's appealing, non?

ModCloth La Fillette Hat - $72.99

A Change of Heart

Initially, I was going to write a post in my usual style, talking about how ugly these skirts are.

But then, looking at them some more, I found ... I kind of like them. No, I really like them. It was like in a romantic comedy, when the heroine suddenly realizes that she doesn't hate the male lead, she loves him. It hasn't been rage fueling all their spats, but passion.

I mean, sure, they're a little 80s, and I'd never wear them, but I can't help it. I love them. They're just so colorful, with their gradient lace.

You guys, I'm like totally Cher Horowitz right now. I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with these skirts!

Forever 21 Lace Tiered Skirt - $28

Parachute Skirt

One zipper is functional. Two zippers, both of which open from either direction, do not appear to have much of a purpose. I guess because it's like you're getting four zippers for the price of two?

You know what goes with two multi-directional zippers? Slippery lining-style fabric, as is featured on this dress.

Basically, you're looking at stiff, ugly fabric that is apparently slippery, with multiple zippers. Sounds appealing and totally useful.

Forever 21 Waist Zip Skirt - $28

Monday, November 23, 2009

Pregnant Pause

Initially I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out who would wear this and not look kind of ridiculous.

But I just realized it: a pregnant woman. On a pregnant woman, it'd be downright adorable.

So have at it, pregnant women. Accessorize your stomach with bows.

You're welcome.

ModCloth It's a Bow-tiful Day Belt - $24.99

Face Time

Most girls have used, or wanted to say, "my eyes are up here," to a guy at some point. With these shirts, you don't have to.

Like this shirt. The face seems to be looking out disdainfully, as if to say, "Really? You think you stand a chance?" Keep in mind, that's a rhetorical question. The answer is always, "no."

As for this shirt, the face serves as a vehicle for sequins. Sequins and a big floppy bow, both of which can distract from an unwanted gaze. Yeah, it may kind of look like a big black bow is exploding from an aureole, but at least all the sequins create shiny objects to stare at.

Speaking of sequins ...

My only question is, what happened to her nose? Why design a face without a nose? Are noses not in for this season? I guess it's part of all the Michael Jackson styles that have come back into fashion. Oh, fashion designers. What will they think of next?

Forever 21 Model Face Slub Top - $12.80
Forever 21 Jewelled Girl Tee - $12.80
Forever 21 Modelliste Tee - $19.80

Scarfed Down

So often have I put on a dress, then thought to myself, "If only this came with a built-in scarf."

Thanks, Forever 21! Yet again, you've seen a need and met it with haste. Finally, I won't have to worry about my matching scarf slipping off my neck at inopportune times. My look will always be complete with this attached chunk of excess fabric!

Forever 21 Tie Front V-Neck Dress - $29

Friday, November 20, 2009

Attack of the Giant Bow!

Many retailers are jumping on Christmas early this year, in hopes of encouraging sales.

Forever 21's take on this seems to involve really, really giant bows.

You know what this dress doesn't need? That random black trim along the neck. Having just the bow could work and look like a nice little J. Crew knockoff. But having the added black bric-a-brac just makes it look like they had some extra felt lying around the F21 factory and got a little too creative. And creativity, at Forever 21, is rarely a good thing.

Then again, a total lack of creativity is a problem, too. Case in point: this giant t-shirt that they threw a big bow on. A really big bow. The kind of bow they put on pots of poinsettia at the grocery store. Which, again, in keeping with the Christmas idea, so I guess it kind of makes sense. But just because something makes a little bit of sense doesn't mean it's actually, y'know, worthwhile. This t-shirt dress thing, I would argue, is not particularly worthwhile.

Apparently, this is a sweaterdress. I was so distracted by all the ruffles and the giant bow, I didn't really pay attention to the material. So yeah, let's just take their word on it.

There is so much going on here. A giant bow, rippled bow material running along either side of it, and it has a peplum. A PEPLUM, people. That just seems excessive. Is there any way in which this dress could be less flattering?

Oh, yes. It comes in my least favorite color ever, pink skin tone. This is not a flattering color on many people. And, if you're pale, it makes you look like you're naked. I'm sorry, it's the truth. Many times, I've had to do a double take to make sure someone is, in fact, clothed and just wearing this useless color.

Wear this dress at your own risk, especially in Flesh Pink. There's a chance that it will look like you're wearing a a bow, a peplum, and little else.

Although, if that's the look you want, go for it.

Forever21 Chiffon Collar Sweater Dress - $32
Forever21 Lace Bow Trim Tee - $22
Forever21 Tie Front Sweater Dress - $32

Elastic Waistband

I hate taking off clothes at the end of the day and seeing marks on my skin from the clothes.

The fabric is entirely elastic. It's a big stretchy elastic belt, with giant circular grommets. You know what that's going to do? Push my stomach fat out on either side of it, and squeeze what little is left out through the grommet circles.

Man, this is doing wonders for my self-esteem, and I'm not even wearing it yet.

Forever 21 Zippered Grommet Belt - $6.80

A Unique Asymmetry

It's important to remember that the word "unique" isn't always a good thing.

Like, when Forever 21 describes this top as being "a unique stretch tunic," they might intend for that to be a positive, but it's safe to say that "unique" doesn't mean "flattering" or "appealing."

This top is what happens when you fail your Home Ec class, but you don't want to get a failing grade, so instead you try to explain that it's fashionable. Or, "unique." It apparently has two 3/4 length sleeves, but you can only see one because of the fabric draped over the left side. Don't stare too long, though, because the fabric will make you go cross-eyed.

I don't want to say this tunic would have been fine if it were in a different fabric, but it would be less likely to induce motion-sickness if it were in a solid fabric, rather than what appears to be "bar code."

I also like that it comes off of a big flowy top with diagonal stripes and then tightens up around the hips with horizontal stripes, for maximum unflattering proportions. I especially like the dark chunk below the thighs, as if to highlight how ugly and ill-fitting the whole thing is. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure that out otherwise, but thanks, Forever 21, for putting in that extra effort.

Forever 21 Dazed Asymmetric Tunic - $17.80

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fashion by Zoidberg

I have a massive backlog of clothes that need posts, so I've been trying to weed through them and throw out the ones that don't quite make the cut. I almost let this vest slide.

And then I saw the back.

It reminds me of a dog harness mixed with Dr. Zoidberg's mouth tentacles. So, basically, if Dr. Zoidberg were to knit his likeness into a doggy harness.

Hm. Not such a far-fetched idea after all.

Forever 21 Wool Blend Crochet Vest - $19.80

No Palette for Pailletes

My first thought about this dress was that it wasn't particularly flattering on the model. I was more than happy, though, to move on, leaving be the dress, its hip-widening powers, and the poor model.

Then, I saw that it came in another color combination.

I'm sorry, but what the hell were they thinking? Giant black pailletes with massive red ruffled sleeves and a ruffled neckline? Who would this be flattering on? Sorry, let me rephrase that: is there anyone out there who could wear this dress without looking like a linebacker? Because I really, really don't see that happening.

Oh, and the pailletes don't even go all the way around, so they're just kind of a big sparkly smock.

Which, on the blue, isn't too bad. But imagine that on the red. You have giant black discs on the front, but on the back, just the remnants of the massive ruffles. I'm sure pailletes aren't particularly expensive, and I doubt that this is carefully hand-crafted. Would it have been so difficult for them to continue the pailletes to the back, just for the sake of continuity?

Forever 21 Sequin Ruffle Dress- $49

The Writing's On the Shirt

T-shirts with slogans don't often merit much thought. So I'm just going to write one sentence responses for each.

People already think they're important enough as is, don't encourage them.

See above; also, after some of the art I've seen, I'd disagree.

If you need time, you're not very good at it.

I would change this to: "I <3 you more than a nerd would <3 to see boobs."

Forever 21 You Mean More Tee - $14.90Forever 21 Make Art Not War Top - $15.80
Forever 21 Give Me Time Top - $14.90
Forever 21 I Heart You More Tee - $16.90

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Private Dancer

There's a time and a place for fringed mini skirts. There's also a time and a place for military-themed outfits.

I'd say that fusing the two with fringed miniskirts with a heavy grommet belt in military neutrals is a creative choice, but I'm not really seeing the practical purposes - unless, of course, you're Tina Turner, and you're performing on a USO tour. But if that's the case, I'm guessing you have your own wardrobe provided, and you don't need to buy it at Forever 21.

Forever 21 Fringed Mini Skirt - $28

Ice, Ice, Baby

I have a fabulous idea for a new Icecapades show.

The Palins on Ice!

Quick, someone get Levi on the phone before his Playgirl hits newsstands and his rate goes up. I'll bet we can get Willow for cheap, too.

Forever 21 Plaid Woven Bodysuit - $19.90

Georgia O'Keefe's Finest

I'm really hoping that everyone else thinks I'm crazy on this one.

But is it just me, or do these coats look a lot like, you know ... um, lady parts?

Although, if any part of your anatomy is this color, you probably should get it looked at.

Anthropologie Shape & Movement Sweater Coat - $168
Anthropologie Short & Sweet Jacket - $128