Mass and Volume

Someone designed this.



Someone designed this with the intent of it being worn on the human frame. On the bodies of all sorts of different women. Because, that had to have been the plan. To design a dress with the intention of no one wearing it is a bad business model.

According to the ModCloth website, "Despite its unreal amount of volume, however, this fun little piece still flatters the feminine form, thanks to its hidden side zipper and back sash tie."

Look, they've seen it in person. So maybe there's something I'm missing; a subtlety I have yet to pick up on. But, in my years of dress shopping, never once has a side zipper and back sash tie made a dress with two layers of hoop skirt magically flattering. It's not even that flattering on the mannequin, and you can stick pins directly into a mannequin to get the perfect fit.

I'd actually love this fabric as an a-line, so it would have a sort of 50s school dance feel to it. As opposed to what it currently has, which is "Mrs. Potts summers at the country castle."

ModCloth Pump Up the Volume Dress - $74.99

The Depths of Plaidness

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been a little obsessed with plaid of late.



This shirt will not fall into that category. I know, you're probably shocked. Stunned, even. "But it has giant, puffy sleeves!" you're probably thinking. "With bows on the arms, and a weird ruffled bib thing! That's right up your alley."



I know. It confuses me, as well. I prefer my plaid shirts to be so baggy that it hides anything that might hint at my figure. And I love when strips of fabric dangle down my arms. That's never annoying. Wearing this shirt would be like having two magical plaid fairies hovering against my elbows at all times.

And who doesn't love that?

Forever 21 Plaid Multi-Button Shirt - $32

Wasted Potential in a Romper

You know what makes me really sad about this romper?



That it's a romper. If these were separates, it'd kind of be a cute outfit. But no, apparently Wet Seal doesn't think that we're capable of making our own outfits. They think they have to hold our hand and create outfits for us. Because that's what this is. It's a ready-made outfit that they could have just styled on a mannequin and then put the separates next to it. We would have figured it out, Wet Seal. Really.

Wet Seal Plaid Denim Romper - $30.50

Not Taylor-Made

I can't help it: I love Taylor Swift. Her music is ridiculously catchy, she's got pretty hair, she's eleven feet tall but wears high heels anyway, and she loves sparkley dresses. I might or might not have had a dream the other night that I was performing at a "We Are The World" kind of concert, and before going onstage, I told her to check out my blog because I've written about her.

Upon looking back, it turns out I've only mentioned her once, but whenever I write about sequins, I have her in mind.

Anyway, back on topic.

So, as I was saying, I can't help but like Taylor Swift. I've tried, because my heart is a cold, dark wasteland.



I appreciate that ModCloth has named a dress after Taylor Swift (although, seriously, where's the dress named after my blog? I'm waiting ...). And I can sort of understand their thought process: she is a country/pop singer, so it's not totally illogical that they went with plaid for the name. I'm not a fan of the dress itself, but had they used this fabric for a pair of shorts or a button-down, I would have really liked the fabric and ignored it completely.

However, it's a travesty - that's right, a travesty - that they would give give Taylor Swift's name to a dress so lacking in all things sparkley and shiny.

And on that note:



ModCloth The Taylor Dress - $59.99

The Plaid Hatter

I love how deadpan the model looks in this picture.



I imagine that they didn't warn her beforehand what she would be modelling in this shoot. She got all made up, they checked the lights, and then wardrobe ran out at the last minute and put the hat on her head.

"Seriously?" she said. "I have to wear this? It's a plaid baseball hat. This is ridiculous. No one is going to buy this. Yes, I know I'm getting paid to wear it. Whatever, fine. Just take the damn picture."

RVCA Ranger Plaid Hat - $19

Thanks, ModCloth Naming Committee

This dress was submitted by weather guru and blog promoter extraordinaire Nicole. Says she:

Something about the dress just seems off. I don't know if it's the piped waistline, or the fact that my eye is drawn to the gap in the collar and the plaid front panel, or the plaid itself (trade the red for green or yellow and it might have gone better, but I can't say for sure).



I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, despite being overlooked by the ModCloth Naming Committee. Clearly, the kind people at ModCloth just aren't aware of this blog yet; otherwise, there's no explanation for why this isn't called the "You Want Me To Wear What? Dress".

In fact, I think you should all email that suggestion to them.

Oh, right. The dress.

Look, I love plaid. And I love denim. I do not, however, understand why designers continue to insist on pairing them in dress form.

Repeat after me: "Plaid is not an accent fabric."

When you pair the two together, it doesn't create a fashion-forward dress. It looks like something you got off a Kmart clearance rack from 1994. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but whenever I look at dresses like this, I immediately think of denim vests with little patches on it. It reminds me of something that Finn's mom would wear.



On a construction level, the collar seems way too small for the dress itself. I think I'd like it better if the collar were oversized, because at least then it would feel a little more vintage. Also, the strip of plaid running down the center doesn't need to be that thick, unless you want to make your torso look wider. Otherwise, this dress bisects the body in a weird way that ends up making the whole thing look kind of frumpy, especially when accompanied by the extraneous piping along the waistline.



Also, the piping is the only detailing that is continued on the back of the dress. Look, I'm not a fan of the plaid collar, but if you're going to have it, at least continue it all the way around, just for the visual symmetry. I think this is one of the rare cases where I would rather there be more plaid than less.

So, is this whole denim/plaid thing going to keep going through the season? Because it's getting old, fast.

ModCloth Niotillfem Dress - $99.99

Ice, Ice, Baby

I have a fabulous idea for a new Icecapades show.



The Palins on Ice!

Quick, someone get Levi on the phone before his Playgirl hits newsstands and his rate goes up. I'll bet we can get Willow for cheap, too.

Forever 21 Plaid Woven Bodysuit - $19.90

Some Mad Plaid

Every time I think, "There is no way I could possibly do another post on a denim jumper with a plaid skirt," Forever 21 designs something else, and I know it's my duty to bring it to all of you.



I should know better by now. It's like how, in cartoons, you never say "Well, at least it can't get any worse." That's like asking for it to spontaneously rain right over your head. Much in the same way, I really shouldn't tempt fate with my declarations about plaid and denim jumpers.



Do there really need to be three tiers of ruffles? Do two not provide the necessary volume to make this completely unflattering? Because I can't imagine that the skirt portion would be more unflattering with fewer tiers. If it were just a skirt, devoid of tiers (I know, crazy talk, but go with me on it), I think it would just look kind of homemade and innocuous.

Look at it on this poor model. It's giving her a bustle. Isn't the point of having a model that she should be bustle-less? That a dress should be flattering, rather than hideous?



Oh, and it comes in black, too. Because sometimes, your blue jean denim just isn't formal enough.

Forever 21 Plaid Denim Jumper Dress - $26.90
A casual jumper dress with a denim upper bodice featuring a sweetheart neckline, buttoned straps, and smocked panels on the back; 12 looped buttons grace the front. The lower portion is soft and flirty, made of 3 tiered ruffles.

If What Doesn't Kill Us Is Making Us Stronger

It took me a while to realize why this shirt looks so familiar.

Then I realized: I'm pretty sure Roseanne wore it on the eponymous Roseanne.

I always knew it was only a matter of time before Roseanne Arnold was recognized for the sartorial genius she was.

Topshop Heavy Patchwork Check Shirt - $70

Forever 21 Did This on Purpose

It's like Forever 21 actively wants to be featured on this site. Which, given that they friended me on Twitter (probably because they do keyword searches for their names, the vain bastards), it could be the case.

This is not something I would ever wear. I hate those built-in bra cups. Hate them. They make me think of eyelids, and I don't want my breasts to be able to blink. They should be unblinking. That's what I like about them.

The top finishes in yet another style I hate: the bubble hem. That's right. A bubble hem that ends at a voluminous skirt. Because that's a great look for anybody other than Barbie Thighs the Model.

I'd keep the belt, though. So the dress isn't a total wash, right?

What? It's the Jewish New Year, I'm trying to be a little kinder and find something good in everyone.

Ooh, and for those of you who are dying for those denim dresses from the first post,, they're on sale!

Forever 21 Denim and Plaid Dress - $39
Forever 21 X-Posed Denim Dress - $9.99
Forever 21 Denim Jumper Dress - $11.99

A Constant Source of Disappointment

I love pleated skirts. Bonus points if it's plaid. I don't know if it's from a past life as a Catholic schoolgirl or what, but I am obsessed with plaid, pleated skirts. I own five and have to actively keep myself from buying more. It rarely works, though, and come this winter I will probably have accumulated another five.

But as much as I love pleated skirts, on the other end of the spectrum I loathe skorts. They bug me. Get off the fence and decide what kind of bottom you are; don't try to be both, because you will fail at both.

Plus, it's just greedy.

So, with all that in mind, you can see why I find this skirt so deeply disappointing.



It's plaid! It's pleated! It comes in four very bright colors! It's kid-sized, so it will be short and I won't have to hem it! It's $12.99! This is my platonic ideal of a kilt.

And then I pulled one off the rack, realized it was a skort, and recoiled in horror and dismay. My dream of buying all four colors for $50 crumbled. Because I am 24, and while I will wear a skirt meant for a 12 year old, I will not wear a skort unless I am playing tennis, and odds are, if I am playing tennis, it is my evil twin and I am tied up in a storage closet somewhere.

Target Cherokee Pleated Scooter - $12.99

Might As Well Jump

Sometimes I wonder if my aversion to the jumper is because I know there's not a chance in hell I can pull it off. I'm 5'1", and I have a 30" inseam. Subtract a foot for my head and neck, and that leaves 19" for torso. That's not a lot of torso to fill a jumper. Pair that with my copious rack, and ... yeah, that's not a flattering look.

Plus, I happen to know at least one person who makes jumpers look really good and shockingly wearable. So it's not totally unwearable. And, every so often, I see one on a website and think it's cute.

So, I occasionally wonder if my issue with jumpers is that I can't wear them, and therefore I have to hate them in order to avoid the inevitable pain that would come with loving them but being unable to wear them.



Then I see these. And I am reminded again that, no, I hate jumpers because they almost always look like this. And this is just wrong.

These are high-waisted, cropped pants with elastic on the hems. The top is a henley, but it's shapeless and baggy, and just generally reminds me of a pair of long johns, but without the practicality or warmth. It's like something a very fashion-forward '49er would wear in the dead of winter.



And here, they actually try to sell this as having "a figure flattering drawstring." I'm not really getting that, given how in this picture, the girl has no waist. If they had gone with "a practical for after a large meal drawstring," I would totally be on board. Because that's a more accurate description than "figure flattering." Hell, saying it has "a magical unicorn-hair drawstring" is more believable than "figure flattering."

Also, is it just my being obsessive-compulsive, or is it really annoying that the fabric patterns don't match up to create straight lines between the top and bottom halves.

Just me? Okay, cool.

Mod Cloth Ripple Effect Jumper - $69.99
Mod Cloth The Pip Jumper - $49.99