Friday, January 29, 2010

Caked On

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.

This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

I Choose You, Pokeboob!

What does this top remind me of?

It's so familiar ... I can't quite place it ...

Oh, right. They give your boobs anime eyes. Man, that was driving me crazy.

By the by, never wear this. Or, if you do, don't complain about how no one is making eye contact with you. They're making eye contact, just not with your eyes.

Hollister & Co. Belleflower - $29.50

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Please Stop Avril Before Someone Gets Hurt

I ... so ... these are real.

People. These pants are real. They once sold for $50. Kohl's seems to think that they'll sell for $20.

They have zigzags in black and white. With random bursts of color. I have a migraine just from trying to get my eyes to focus. Can you imagine these in motion? They'd be seizure-inducing. People would fall victim to your legs as you walk down the street.

I don't know why I even posted the back - it's not as if these pants are going to get any better from behind. I guess I posted them to convince myself that these are real, because I have a naive hope that they're a very early April Fools joke.

But no. These are actually pants that are for sale. That someone, somewhere - some misguided teen who actually thinks that Kohls is the official retailer for punk - has purchased these.

If you see a teen on the street wearing these pants, take them under your wing. Play some Ramones for them. Explain that this is punk. Explain that Complicated is not. Show them that punk is not just wearing a tie.

And, for the love of God, buy them some solid pants so that you can, together, burn these abominations.

Abbey Dawn Zigzag Skinny Pants - $19.20

Sea Sluggish

Forever 21 really likes to add unnecessary fabric to their clothes in an attempt at making it look classy and like it's not totally disposable. On rare occasions, it works. But, more often than not, it goes horribly awry.

Take this shirt, for example. My first thought upon seeing the shoulder puffs wasn't "Oh, cute embellishment." No, it was "Whoa, that looks like two sea slugs facing off to penis fence."

Wow. I finally found a way to work penis fencing into this blog. My work here is done.

Forever 21 Blossom Shoulder Tee - $26

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Hybrid Skirts Spread, Panic Ensues

So, remember those hybrid skirts Forever 21 has been selling?

Apparently, it's a thing. Sure, Hollister's version is a little more understated - it's more like a petticoat hem peeking out than a full on bustle. But it ruins the simplicity of a jean skirt. Oh, and also, I think it's kind of ugly. But hey, if you really liked the F21 skirts, but wished they were more expensive, here you go. Enjoy.

Hollister & Co. Laguna Hills - $44.50

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

I love 90s music. I can sing along with almost all 90s rock songs. It's one of my superpowers, along with accidentally finding spiders. Yeah, the spider thing sucks. But, back on point, 90s music - I love it.

Somehow, I don't think this tank was what Garbage intended when they wrote and recorded the song in 1994. It's kind of like having a t-shirt with a cartoon on it and a Marilyn Manson quote. It's just weird.

Forever 21 Happy When It Rains Tank - $14.90

Panda image borrowed from here

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Love Bites

Alright, this has gone far enough. I know that kids today are all into Twilight and the tragic romance between a girl and the hunky vampire with sparkly skin who is torn between wanting to love her and wanting to eat her. I get it.

But seriously? No. Vampires make terrible boyfriends. Keep in mind, they're constantly fighting the overwhelming urge to kill you. Because they are.

It's the equivalent of if a lion started dating a gazelle. Yeah, at first he'd be buying the gazelle flowers and chocolates, but after a week or so, he's going to get kind of hungry while they're at that all-grass restaurant the gazelle loves so much, and he's going to start picturing a giant steak where the gazelle is sitting. It's only a matter of time before the lion is going all National Geographic on his gazelle-friend.

So, yeah, Vampires make the best boyfriends, if your criteria for good boyfriend includes "wants to consume me." Never mind the fact that he can't go out in the day time. Yeah, sure, sparkle-skin is great and all, but that's fiction. Everyone knows that vampires can't go into sunlight.

Also, they're really old, so I'm sure you'd have to listen to a lot of "Back when I was human, we had to walk ten miles in the snow" and whatnot. And do you really want to have to explain how the internet works to your boyfriend?

Sure, vampires tend to be hunky (they apparently only like to turn the good-looking ones). And of course it's flattering to be hit on by the undead. But let's be honest here: they are not good boyfriends.

Unless you're really into tragic romances, in which case, you're 15, of course you are, go read Wuthering Heights and write in your LiveJournal about how no one understands you.

Just don't date the undead. Or that weird guy at school who thinks he's a vampire. You're already going to be embarrassed about what you wore back when you were 15; you don't need to be embarrassed about who you dated.

Delia*s Vampire's Boyfriend T-Shirt - $26.50

They're Altogether Ooky At Caesar's Palace!

Hey, guys, good news!

Now you can buy Wednesday Addam's costume from The Addams Family Vegas Revue!

Sonia by Sonia Rykiel All Over Sequin Dress - $580

Monday, January 25, 2010


I, like many people, have a soft spot for things that are cute. I can't resist going into a pet shop and watching puppies chew on things (although, yes, I realize pet shops are evil). I once stood in the rodent hut at the Bronx Zoo for 20 minutes with my finger against the glass of a European field mouse exhibit, because the tiny European field mice kept standing on their hind legs and licking the glass where my finger was. I then went home and changed a Wikipedia article on field mice to include the fact that European field mice "administer tiny mouse kisses."

With that in mind, buy these shirts at your own risk. There is a very good chance that, if I happen to see you wearing one, I will run up and hug you.

Especially if you're wearing this one. If you're wearing this, I will probably squeeze you while saying "Squish," because one of my greatest desires in life is to squish a baby penguin.

Consider yourself warned.

Delia*s Polar Bear Baby Tee - $24.50
Delia*s Penguin Baby Tee - $24.50

Crazy Eyes

I've often sung the praises of the ModCloth hat model, the hardest working model they have. She normalizes even the most absurd hats with a serene look and an impressive dose of smize.

If models are superheroes, then I think this model is her arch-nemesis.

This is Crazy Eyes the eDress Me Model. Her superpower is a stare that burrows deep into your soul and scares the crap out of you.

No, seriously. That is the unblinking stare of the unbalanced. I can't even focus on the dress she's wearing, because I'm afraid to look away. Although, does she draw her powers from the giant headband wrapped around her forehead? That's the only reasonable explanation I can find for why she's wearing a giant headband with most of the dresses.

Oh, thank god, she's finally looked away. This dress actually isn't too bad; the first one appears to be the worst of the three. But it's really hard to get to past the crazy eyes to actually examine the dresses. This is one of those cases where the model just takes away from the dress, because she's so totally the focus of the pictures.

And now I'm kind of afraid she's going to come after me. On the up side, I have enough guy friends who are drawn to the crazy that I can probably distract her with a good-looking hipster.

Oh no, she's looking back at me, and she doesn't seem happy. Hi, Model With Totally Sane Eyes. I like your bandannas. And your penchant for dramatic poses. Big fan. Really.

Ok, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't lie. The only things crazier than your eyes are the poses you strike in those dresses. Hell, that first dress is less crazy-looking than you are, and it's a tie-dyed kimono.

Congratulations. You're crazier than a tie-dyed kimono. That takes a lot of work. Although, in your case, you make it look effortless.

Alberto Makali Tye Dyed Kimono Dress - $197
Alberto Makali Red Cocktail Dress - $219
Alberto Makali Abstract Print Cocktail Dress - $248
Alberto Makali Print Blouse - $98

Friday, January 22, 2010

Dropping a Hint

As you're all well aware, my birthday is only five months away. While I don't doubt that you found me that perfect present months ago, I figured I'd help out those of you who have put it off to the last minute.

Buy me this.


Scala Platinum Paiette Cocktail Dresses - $258

Thursday, January 21, 2010

And Now They're Dead.

Dinosaurs are awesome. Who doesn't love dinosaurs? Even Creationists are now incorporating them into their theories, and those guys hate everything! You can't not love a dinosaur. It's impossible to be apathetic about an Apatosaurus.

I do not, however, like this t-shirt. Why? Well, first of all, it feels like the makers of the shirt are using a dinosaur as a celebrity endorsement. Since you can't help but love a dinosaur, the t-shirt seems to be aligning the awesomeness of dinosaurs with vegetarianism - essentially, "Sauropods were vegetarians, and so am I!"

But being a vegetarian is a choice. Being an herbivore is not. There is a big difference. A vegetarian chooses not to eat meat for ethical reasons. An herbivore does not eat meat because their teeth and stomach are not designed for it. And, in fact, they do eat the bugs that are on the leaves they're eating, so even if you remove the aspect of choice from vegetarianism, they're still not vegetarians.

A label of "herbivore" on the t-shirt would not have earned this shirt a place on the site. In fact, I would probably have bought it and worn it proudly (bonus points if there were a matching "carnivore" one).

I will not let dinosaurs be used for propaganda. I didn't stand for it back when Eisenhower adopted the slogan "Velociraptors Like Ike!" and I won't stand for it now.

This shirt, however, is a poignant statement about our collective memory. How quickly do we forget about a tragic event that occurred only 65 million years ago.

Forever 21 Dino Vegetarian Tee - $14.90
Busted Tees Never Forget Tee - $22

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.

I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.

As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Search and Tell

I use a stat counter to obsessively check how many pageviews I have (what can I say, I've got an ego). It also records where the page view came from (ie: what page they were linked from). I was checking my stat counter tonight when I saw that a reader found my blog by searching "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

No, mysterious reader in Kentucky, no it will not. Okay, I can't guarantee that, but go for it. The worst that happens is, you try on the skirt, it does, and then you don't buy it. Or, you buy it but return it.

In case you don't have any in mind, I found this after a quick search and thought it was cute.

I'm also a big fan of this dress from Modcloth, although it's a little pricey.

Or, if you're really that timid about it, why not try a jacket?

The point, though, is that if you like this skirt enough to run a Google search on whether or not it will make you look fat, you should go for it. Chances are it won't, and you'll probably be so happy wearing it that it won't even matter.

The Limited Clean Cut Miniskirt - $24.99
Modcloth Workweek Wonderful Dress - $106.99
House of Dereon Wool Peacoat - $54.99
KC Collection Women's Houndstooth Coat - $55.99

The Dressmaker

Aw, cheer up, glum eDress Me model!

I know your Mentos moment didn't go as planned, but at least you have minty-fresh breath!

eDress Me Black Jersey and Lace Dance Dress - $238 $190.40

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I've Information Vegetable, Animal, and Ugly Clothes

A few months ago, I commented that my biggest issue with Nicole Miller is that she tries too hard.

I'm glad she hasn't decided to prove me wrong.

Unless she was designing the costume for Major-General Stanley in an all-female production of The Pirates of Penzance. If that's the case, then I totally get this dress. In fact, I want a ticket, so if someone can arrange that, I'd be much obliged.

If this is a dress she designed with any degree of seriousness, then I'm really at a loss as to what she was thinking, other than "Hm. I feel like designing something just slightly nautical, but fairly unwearable."

Nicole Miller Embellished Off the Shoulder Dress - $390

Costume Ideas #15: Like a Virgin

If you have an 80s party coming up, or you just like to start planning your Halloween costume ten months in advance, here's a suggestion:


I can't think of a single other use for this top. This top was designed solely for the purpose of dressing up as Madonna. Its life dream is to be worn with a belt that says "BOY TOY."

So go forth. Go forth and wear lace fingerless gloves. Crimp your hair. Let this top's dream become a reality.

Forever 21 Delectable Lace Tier Top - $22.80

Monday, January 18, 2010

Ripstop Them, Please

Oh my god. Cargo pants are back. I had hoped that they would forever be banished to the windows of The Gap, but having now seen them in Lucky and in People Style (dude, it's addictive, don't judge me), it seems that cargo pants are in.


Do we really need that many pockets? It's the clothing equivalent of the soccer mom with an H2. She's not driving across newly formed basalt fields. She's picking her kids up from piano lessons. Likewise, I don't need to wear cargo pants to go to the mall. My MRE will fit just fine in my purse. The only time I'd ever need that many pockets is if I were going out and didn't want to carry my purse, but I seriously doubt anyone's going to be wearing cargo pants to clubs.

No, cargo pants have a useless number of pockets, and they serve the sole purpose of making you look bulky. Yes, they're comfortable, but so are sweat pants, or wide-legged jeans, or anything else that doesn't throw giant pockets onto the widest part of my thighs. I'll go with any of those options before I wear cargo pants.

And yes, I realize some people like these, and hell, I liked them back when I was 11 and didn't realize that they made me look massive. My mother would fight me tooth and nail on buying them, and you know what? She was right. It just took me another 13 years to understand that.

J.Crew Ripstop Cargo Pants - $79.50

Don't Be Tardy for the Leopardy*

I will admit, the bulk of my exposure to the "Real Housewives" empire is through The Soup. I have seen the "prostitution whore" clip at least thirty times. So, I'm not an expert on the Real Housewives, but I at least have an associates degree in the subject.

That being said, I'm pretty sure this is what the Real Housewives of New Jersey would thrown on so that their bubbies don't get cold after spin class (which they completed wearing stilettos).

*Yes, I know that's from Real Housewives of Atlanta, but the title amuses me. Stop judging me.

Forever 21 Leopard Zipper Cardigan - $19.80

Friday, January 15, 2010

Thigh High Class

Have you ever been walking the streets and thought, "Man, I wish I could have worn my favorite pair of heels, but they're just not work-appropriate?"

Bebe has you covered. With these leatherette snap-on thigh highs, you can transform your favorite pair of heels into street walker-chic thigh highs. Now there are two women it's worked out for: Cinderella ... and you.

Bebe Leatherette Thigh High "Boot" Stirrup - $69

As Real As She Is

This shirt is about as authentically punk as Avril Lavigne.

Which is to say, as punk as you can get from shopping at Kohl's.

I understand shirts that are faux-layered (ie: a sweater with a button-down collar attached) because it's so hard to get that look through normal layering. However, wearing a shirt with pre-attached suspenders is just lame. Go through the extra step of buying and wearing suspenders, if you're going for the "I'm a punk" thing. Just do it. Otherwise, you're stuck tucking in your shirt, or wearing a t-shirt that has built-in suspenders, and the whole thing is just trying so hard. Which is right up Ms. Lavigne's alley, because if there's one thing she's consistently done through her whole career, it's try way, way too hard.

Despite all my criticisms, I would pay to see Larry King in this on a Casual Friday.

Abbey Dawn Drama Queen Suspender Tunic - $36 $18

Hang Low

The night I met my boyfriend, I was in a bar, fending off the advances of remarkably uninteresting men. How did I know they were uninteresting? I used my standard litmus test: tell them that I'm a dude, and I have a penis the length of my forearm. Then I see how they react. If they get the joke, I drop it. If they don't, I keep going, partly because I can't believe they actually believe that I'm mid-op.

If I had been wearing these pants, I don't think it would have been hard to convince anyone that I'm packing heat.

You know what the worst thing about these pants is? That, at this point, I've grown so accustomed to the horrors of the hareem pant that my first thought was "Wow, $118 is reasonable."

Juicy Couture Drawstring Hareem Pants - $118

Thursday, January 14, 2010

On The Road (Again)

Alright, the hotel has finally managed to break through the barricade I've set up, and they're making me leave. As such, I'm on the road today. I haven't had as much time to find ugly clothes over the last few days (apparently, outside is actually a lot of fun). I'll be back to auto-posting tomorrow, and then starting Friday I'll be self-posting again.

Thanks for checking in over the last week! I appreciate it!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hi, Aire!

As some of you know, I was flat-out giddy when Aire over at ModCloth left a comment on the blog. Not that I don't love all my readers, because each one is a special individual snowflake. But it was really cool to know that, at a company I really like, they've read my blog.

That being said, I don't want you thinking I've gone all soft or something. But the truth is, I can't help but like sequins. I love them. They're so shiny. I've professed my love for them many times over in this blog. Yes, the top isn't my style - I'd drown in it and look massive, but hey, it happens. As much as I don't "get" the dress, I can't hate it.

So, all I'm going to say about this dress is that, if Aire actually wears sequins as often as this description claims she does, then she is kind of awesome. Plain and simple.

ModCloth The Aire Dress - $74.99

My Search Is Over

Occasionally, I'll see a woman on the street (or a character on TV) wearing really unflattering jeans. Not the kind that are intentionally unflattering, but the kind that our society has come to dub as "Mom Jeans." And when I see those jeans, I wonder where you buy them. Not because I'm desperate to acquire a pair, but because I genuinely have no idea who sells them.

I now have my answer.

Lee Jeans sells these as the "Side Elasticized Jeans." Look at this perfect Mom Jeans specimen. A ridiculously high rise, a relaxed fit through the hips and thighs, tapering down to a narrow leg opening. These even have elasticized waists, for maximum comfort. Or, as they describe it on the site, "When you have comfort in mind, the Side Elastic Jean is for you. Basic styling and elastic at the sides make this an easy choice!"

And the back. Oh, the back is glorious. Look at how much room is in the seat and thigh area. You could actually store children in that part of the jeans. The back of the pants actually rests in the middle of the model's spine, there's no differentiation between her butt and her thighs, and it creates the illusion of having both a flat and a huge butt.

These jeans are the quintessential Mom Jeans. A pair should be studied by designers and scholars alike, so as to better understand the genre. A pair should be gifted to the Smithsonian, so that future generations may better understand our culture.

And then all the rest should be burned.

Lee Side Elastic Jean - $40 $23.99 - what a steal!

Give Me Ten

I'm currently in Santa Fe, indulging in my two other great loves: rocks and New Mexican food. It's very cold at night, so I've had to dig out my cold weather gear, including my gloves. Yes, it's a nuisance having to carry them around, and I'm constantly having to make sure I haven't dropped one or gotten them dirty.

Despite all the difficulties posed by gloves, never once have I thought to myself, "Man, I wish I could wrap my gloves around my hips like a belt." Nor have I thought, while buckling my belt, "This would be so much better if it looked like someone was groping my crotch."

I'm just saying, these gloves are getting very fresh. I hope they at least bought the mannequin dinner first, because otherwise, they're taking advantage of it.

I wonder if Forever 21 will be coming out with a matching top that would have two gloves grabbing the wearer's breasts. At least then you wouldn't have to worry about what matches the skirt you own - you know, the one that looks like it's trying to steal third?

Forever 21 Belted Glove Skirt - $32

Monday, January 11, 2010

It's In The Jeans

Babies are adorable. Babies dressed in grown-up clothing are, oftentimes, even more adorable. For example, my friend Kate keeps threatening to buy my future offspring tiny Converse sneakers, because I wear them all the time (no, Mom and Dad, this is not an imminent threat, she's said it for the entire time I've known her. She's a baby shoe fetishist or something).

Right, the post.

So, babies in grown-up clothing can be very cute.

But let's face it: if your kid doesn't have the body to pull of skinny jeans, don't even bother. I don't care if it's baby fat, your 3-month old is looking a little hip-y, and it's just not a good look for her. In fact, you might want to think about getting her a little more exercise, because nobody likes a chunky baby. And for the rest of you, don't even think about putting your daughter in those bulky diapers if she's going to wear these. The only thing grosser than a fat baby in skinny jeans is a baby with Visible Diaper Line. Get some thongs or something, because I don't want to have to see the outline of your baby's diaper ever time she's crawling around on the floor in her skinnies.

Wait, can babies crawl at 3 months? Whatever, the point is, it's gross, and I don't want to see it. If your baby doesn't have the figure, don't humiliate her or yourself.

But if your baby does have the figure to make these work, congratulations: you've got one sexy infant.

GapBaby Skinny Jeans - $25

Tulle-y Denim

Back in the early days of the blog, I posted about Forever 21's denim-fabric hybrid skirts. At the time, I said that these skirts would only be necessary if you were torn between wearing your denim mini or a ruffled skirt, and you decided to split the difference.

Apparently, there were enough people out there who had that problem, because Forever 21 has not only made another style of it, but this time, it's formal wear.

See, you know it's formal because it's kind of a dark denim and the rips aren't big enough to show skin. Plus, the black tulle hem looks like it was lopped off an actual dress and stitched onto this monstrosity as a warning to other dresses.

I'm having a hard time seeing where the demand for this style of skirt is coming from, but then again, I also don't understand who keeps buying the high-waist button placket styles, either. Have we learned nothing, as a society, from the missteps of the celebrities who wore high-waisted denim and were subsequently ridiculed for it? Why do people keep buying this style? I can't imagine it's that flattering on so much of the population. And if it's not selling, then why do the designers keep making it?

I will say, one thing I do like about this skirt is the attached beaded chain. Because that beaded chain really pulls the look together.

No, seriously, who on the design team said, "What this high-waisted, ripped denim skirt with a tulle hem needs is a jeweled chain?" Because they were 100% correct.

The chain is removable, but really, why would you?

Forever 21 Tulle Trimmed Denim Skirt - $19.80

All Hail the ModCloth Hat Model

I've spoken before about the hardest working model at ModCloth. She diligently and skillfully models a wide variety of hats and headbands. This noble model wears every piece of headgear, no matter how absurd, with absolute conviction. Never once have I seen her in a hat or headband and thought, "Wow, she looks miserable."

She's wearing a hood. Not attached to anything. It's just a hood. And yet, look at her. She seems to be shrugging her shoulder as if to say, "Yeah, I'm wearing a hood and a totally different jacket. What's your point? It's functional. It's fashionable. What do you mean, 'is it?' Of course it is. And even if it weren't, you'd still be wearing one by the end of February, because let's face it, I make it work."

ModCloth, give this girl a raise. Or, at the very least, give her more pictorials, especially with headgear. If your hat sales go up, you'll know who to thank.

ModCloth World On A String Hood - $59.99

Friday, January 8, 2010

Regarding Sequins and Sparkly Things

I like sequins. I don't wear enough sequins, mostly because I get really OC about their falling off, and the ensuing gap in sparkliness. But I really, really like them, and wish I could wear them more often, especially in sparkly dress form.

There have been many great developments in the study and proliferation of Sequins and Sparkles. It was pioneered by great women such as Tina Turner and Cher. More recently, Taylor Swift, who I kind of want to be when I grow up, has made huge strides in the field.

I can only say, however, that these pants and shorts represent a huge step backwards in the Advancement of Sequins and Sparkles.

Sequins are festive. They're shiny. They're sparkly. They make you want to twirl around like you're six years old and wearing your favorite party dress. I am very, very pro-sequins.

And it's not that I don't believe sequins can be worn casually. They can. I myself own a ribbed tank top with sequins on it. It is decidely casual, and I enjoy it greatly. While sequins are best suited for party dresses, they're definitely not exclusive to them.


If you decide that you're feeling kind of tired, or you're a little puffy one day, you know what you're not going to pull on? Your favorite pair of $350 sequined sweat pants. And that's what those are. Those are sequined sweat pants. They're baggy, they have an elasticized waist band, and the stylist didn't even bother to hem them.

These are sequined sweat pants. Trying to market them as formal wear is an affront to the field of Sequins and Sparkles, and to all those who have worked hard to advance the cause of Sequins and Sparkles. It is also an insult to the beloved staple of "Ugh, I don't want to put on real pants to go to class," the sweat pant. What, sweat pants aren't good enough for you, ShopBop? You have to go and try to make them classy and formal? That's like trying to make fancy spray cheese: accept it for what it is, and love it.

As for these, the price tag is decidely more reasonable, but that doesn't excuse the fact that this burgeoning trend is, as far as I'm concerned, unacceptable. These shorts appear to be sequined track shorts. Is there a demand for sequined track shorts that I'm not aware of? Because I'm pretty sure the answer to that is, "No."

I've said it many times, and I will say it again: I love sequins. That doesn't mean, however, that I believe you can just put them anywhere. There is a time and a place for sequins, and it does not involve drawstrings.

Honestly, I can't believe I even had to say that. What kind of ignorance has befallen this world?

Sachin + Babi Anzia Sequin Pants - $350
Forever 21 Sequin Drawstring Short - $15.80

Guilty As Charged

I know that my opinions are heavily influenced by my own opinions about my body.

Bearing that in mind, I did try to give this top a fair shot. After all, a non-fitted top like this would be one of the least flattering things possible for me. But, try as I might, the truth is, $73 for a sack with a cinched top is just way too expensive, as far as I'm concerned. Yes, there are girls who can probably make this look flirty and cute, but on me, it will look like I have ripped open the bottom of a flour sack and stuck my head through it. And that would look less like a "guilty pleasure," and more like "crazy lady in an expensive sack who stands near the freeway overpass."

ModCloth Guilty Pleasure Top - $72.99

Public Service Announcement #4: You Want Me To Smell What?

Ed Hardy perfume and cologne.

For when you don't just want to look like a douchebag. You want to smell like one, too.

Ed Hardy Perfumes & Colognes

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I Was Just Totally Clueless

Okay, so initially, I was going to make a joke about how, even though it's 2010, you'd think it's 1995 from looking at this cropped sweater, because it looks like something Cher would wear around the house while telling Josh that Ren and Stimpy are like, way existential.

Then I started thinking about how I had a huge crush on Paul Rudd, and how he's managed to maintain an awkward charm despite joining the crew of smarmy Apatow characters. Then I went back to reading Clueless quotes and got totally sidetracked, so now the only thing I can think to say is: man, this model has a really long torso.

Mike & Chris Andrew Crop Top - $148



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.

And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29