Eyeliner of the Undead

This isn't a post about a particular item. It's more of a general question.



Is orange eyeliner going to be a thing? Because I really, really am not a fan. It makes even the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth look kind of like she has Zombie-Jaundice, a disease that manifests itself in skin discoloration and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

This is unfortunate, because as we've seen many times, she does not have Zombie-Jaundice. She has very nice skin, perfectly normal eyelids, and as far as I can tell, no overwhelming desire to eat brains.

And, more importantly, if that's what orange eyeliner is doing to the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth - a girl who has pulled off both a comically tiny hat and a giant floppy bow, what would it do to the eyelids of us mere mortals?

ModCloth But Enough A-Bow Me Hair Clip - $13.99

Fight or Flight

Somtimes, I'm presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don't know what to say.



Maybe it's just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn't, in the words of my friend Sarah, "look like a scene from Vietnam."

In case you're not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she's been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It's as if she's saying to us, "Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don't care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down."



I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I'll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward "pony?"

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y'know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don't, because I wouldn't wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.



I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren't models). Because, if there's one body part you want to texturize, it's the butt. Women are always saying to themselves "My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance." Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I'm so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I'm not saying these aren't original. They are. They're very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn't always mean "good."

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit - $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit - $169.99

A Threat to Bad Taste

Hello,

Thanks for providing us with additional information. However, after
thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into
consideration, we've re-confirmed that your account poses a significant
risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we're unable to reinstate your
account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions
we've taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more
information by visiting
https://www.google.com/adsense/support/bin/answer.py?answer=57153 .

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

I woke up this morning to an email from Google telling me my AdSense account has been suspended. AdSense was the way I had planned on getting revenue from the site (and, over the last five months, it's earned me about $40 from your ad clicks - I'll never see the check now, but I really appreciate that you guys clicked the ads).

I appealed the decision, but this was the response they sent me. So, that sucks. Anyone know any other advertising services I can use?

Here's the thing I want to stress: this blog is meant in good humor. I wouldn't post about any of these sites if I didn't surf them regularly because I like their clothes. I've posted repeatedly about stuff I like. As several of my friends can attest to, I was downright giddy when I saw ModCloth had commented for the first time, because I have nothing but respect for the people who work there - even if I do post about them a lot.

And I do. I post about them regularly, because I'm on their site all the time. If I weren't unemployed and sharing a tiny closet with a guy who owns more clothes than I do, I'd be buying frilly dresses from them.

I know I'm not the only one, either. And I know that at least a couple of you have started going to ModCloth because I've posted about it here. I'm guessing that, when I post about a terrible shirt at Forever 21, at least a handful of you head over there and end up surfing through the site, because no press is bad press.

I'm not saying the clothes spontaneously combust; I'm not saying the retailers overcharge. I'm just saying that sometimes, they sell ugly clothes. I doubt that anyone here has not bought something I've posted, purely because I posted it. And if you have - well, I'm shocked that I have that much power over someone, because no one should ever listen to me about anything.

I'm just frustrated, because the last thing I want is to be considered malicious. By taking away my AdSense account, that's what Google's decided I am, and that kind of sucks. They also banned my account on my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All. So, like I said before: anyone know a good advertising service?

I don't write the thing for ad revenue, I write it because people actually read it. It just sucks because it feels like the blog was picking up steam, and now it's just been kicked in the shins.

Thanks for reading. Seriously.

- Amanda

Pleasant Pheasant

Recently, The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth found her way to the blog. This was very exciting, if for no other reason than because it meant she was a real person, and not some hallucination I'd willed up to entertain myself while looking at some of ModCloth's more unusual offerings.

I also worried, though, that any subsequent posts I made about her and her superheroic abilities to wear strange headgear might seem like pandering. It has, at times, been harder to post about ModCloth, knowing that they read all blogs that mention their site. After all, it's one thing when you're shouting bitchery into the e-byss, it's a whole other bag of nuts* when you know it's actually being read.



Then I saw this picture, and any concerns I had were assuaged. Because the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth is wearing a feathered headband, like a little demi-tribal headdress.

This should be total and utter madness. This headband should be one of those "Wait, really?" moments, where you wonder if the design team is playing a trick on us. But she is so calm, so composed while wearing it, I'm lulled into submission. I accept that of course one would wear a headband covered in feathers. Why not? That seems perfectly reasonable, now that you mention it.

After all, are feathers really so much stranger than anything else we put in our hair? Sometimes, I'll put a fabric-covered rubber band in. A rubber band! By comparison, a feathered headdress seems downright normal, doesn't it?

Dammit. Her serene smile and easy confidence have lured me in once again.

*Yeah, I don't think "bag of nuts" is an expression, but I really like it, so I'm going to start using it in day to day conversation.

ModCloth Pleasant Pheasant Headband - $17.99

All Hail the ModCloth Hat Model

I've spoken before about the hardest working model at ModCloth. She diligently and skillfully models a wide variety of hats and headbands. This noble model wears every piece of headgear, no matter how absurd, with absolute conviction. Never once have I seen her in a hat or headband and thought, "Wow, she looks miserable."



She's wearing a hood. Not attached to anything. It's just a hood. And yet, look at her. She seems to be shrugging her shoulder as if to say, "Yeah, I'm wearing a hood and a totally different jacket. What's your point? It's functional. It's fashionable. What do you mean, 'is it?' Of course it is. And even if it weren't, you'd still be wearing one by the end of February, because let's face it, I make it work."

ModCloth, give this girl a raise. Or, at the very least, give her more pictorials, especially with headgear. If your hat sales go up, you'll know who to thank.

ModCloth World On A String Hood - $59.99

Big Girl in a Little Hat

Hee. Comically tiny chapeaus.

I mean, it's just such a tiny hat! On an otherwise normally-sized head! When would you wear this? On what occasion would you say to yourself, "I think today's the perfect day for my miniature top hat." Do you worry about it blowing away in the breeze? When you're not wearing it, does it sit on top of a doll's head? I have so many questions about this ridiculously small hat! Is it formal wear? Is it casual? Do you wear this to church, or is it too small for such purposes? Who thought to themselves, "What the world needs now, more than ever, is a tiny top hat affixed to a hair pin?"

And, most importantly, who buys it?

ModCloth The Blaine Hair Clip - $34.99

French Fried

Occasionally, Modcloth shoots for "Parisian chic." In this case, I'd say they overshot.

I mean, yes, my first thought was "French" when I saw this. but not in the good way. I thought "French" in the, "that's the kind of hat someone would design if they were aiming for 'French' but missed," kind of way. It's just comical in its not-Frenchness.

Even the Hardest Working Hat Model at ModCloth seems bemused. I wonder if she's thinking "I'm wearing a yarmulke with a pom-pom on the top."

Oh, and it's $73, and the way that it secures is with an elastic band. It's appealing, non?

ModCloth La Fillette Hat - $72.99

Tad of Plaid

There’s not normally much reason to add a brim to a knit hat. And by “much reason,” I mean, generally, there’s no reason.

Unless you want to knit yourself a bitchin' conductor's hat. In which case, totally justified to include a brim.

Wait, what's that, Hat Model? This isn't actually a conductor's hat at all? It's really just a knit beanie with a brim?

Damn. Now I don't know what to think. I mean, on the one hand, it's a knit cap, so I'm sure it's really warm and delightful. But, on the other hand, there's a brim. And I don't know why you need a brim, unless it's a place upon which to perch your family clan's colors. So, if the hat came with customizable tartan strips, then I guess I could let it slide. But since you're stuck with just the one plaid ... yeah, I'm ruling the brim as unnecessary.

Sorry, Hat Model. You did your best.

ModCloth Tad of Plaid Hat - $27.99

The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth

I admire this model.

She is wearing a giant floppy knit bow, and yet, she is selling it.

Not to me, obviously, but she's selling it to somebody. I think.

I mean, this is a giant, comically oversized bow. It's so large, I'm actually a little worried it about where it falls on the food chain.* I want to say it's hugging her head with its giant floppy bow arms, but I think it may be trying to devour her head. Which would be unfortunate, because I don't think there's any other model out there who can wear a hat as convincingly as she can. Should someone maybe check on her?

Modcloth Bow It All Headband - $49.99

*If you like things that are at the top of the food chain, you'll love C-List Actors Save Us All, my new disaster and monster movie review blog!

Hats Off to ModCloth

It's rare that a website actually shows their products on a model. So it's lucky for us that ModCloth has put in the time and money to show us these snappy toppers in action.

First of all, let's give the model credit for maintaining the same demurely amused expression in all three pictures. It must be difficult to maintain such a state of demureness and amusement through a photoshoot. If I were in that situation, it would quickly morph into a bitchily annoyed expression.

These are technically attached to headbands, but they're considered hats on the website, and since they cover at least a third of the head, I think they're technically just hats with limbs.

So, tiny, off-center hats amuse me. They just look comical to me. They're at such a rakish angle, they become cartoonish. The hats aren't sitting on one's head; they're perched.

My thoughts on each are very different - this one, for example, reminds me of a coffee filter.

Initially, I only saw this picture of the hat, and was excited because I thought it would be large, like a giant watercolor sunbonnet. Still kind of ugly, but at least ugly in an awesomely dramatic way. I figured it would look like something someone wore when they sat in their garden in France during the 1800s, painting water lilies alongside Monet. Overdone and kind of ugly, but at least fabulously dramatic.

No, instead it's just shrunken and hovering over the model's face. It just looks ill-fitting, as if she's been instructed by her young niece to wear this tiny doll's hat while they play dress-up.

And this one? Never mind the random sprig of berries, attached to it as an afterthought to make the hat more complex than just "a black disc on a black headband."

On the model, it looks like she's wearing a yarmulke. Not just a yarmulke, but it looks like she's wearing one on the side of her head as a fashion statement, the way guys wore their hats sideways in the 90s.

vs.

It's not just me, right? Does anyone else see it?

ModCloth Fashion Fractal Hat - $77.99
ModCloth Composition VII Hat - $69.99
ModCloth A Berry Sprig Deal Headband - $67.99