Friday, August 28, 2009

Tunic, Tunic

Ever have one of those days where you want to steal from the rich and give to the poor, but you can't find a thing to wear?

Forever 21 has you covered. Note the utilitarian front pockets for gold storage.

Lace UP Drawstring Tunic

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Introducing, the Chambray Jumpsuit

Thanks to Nicole for bringing this to my attention.

The Chambray Jumpsuit from American Apparel needs no introduction. It just ... is.

Combining the elastic waist of your favorite pair of mom jeans with a baggy top, the Chambray Jumpsuit offers a wildly unflattering cut. Why let yourself go when you can just give the appearance that you've let yourself go?

Not only does the elastic waistband give the impression of mom jeans, but the back of the Chambray Jumpsuit offers a similar effect. The pockets bulge outward, widening your hips so one can easily scare off predators, like the frills on those spitting dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

How does one jazz up the Chambray Jumpsuit? With a black velvet ribbon. Obviously.

So, who wears the Chambray Jumpsuit? A woman with confidence. A woman who takes charge. A woman who works for a 70s-style sleaze bag and doesn't mind the occasional bout of sexual harassment.

A woman who enjoys taking comically large steps.

American Apparel Chambray Jumpsuit

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Form Follows Function

Form follows function. It's a simple principle: that the shape of a building (or, in this case, a shoe) should be based on the purpose of the building/shoe.

Why is this concept so difficult for shoe designers to grasp as we head into the fall?

Peep toe boots. Seriously?

I think we can all agree that the primary purpose of a boot is to keep one's feet and ankles warm and dry during the less temperate months. There are other purposes - to look like a badass, to put those scraps of cow hide to good use - but the primary is to keep feet warm and dry.

This cannot be accomplished with peep toes. The most difficult thing about boots is keeping your toes warm when it's cold out. There is no reason to have your toes hanging out. Even when it's warm, there's no reason to cover your entire foot and ankle with leather, only to have your toes exposed like a hobo who has worn through his last pair of shoes. It's just not necessary.

And even worse, the combination shootie/peep toe. I hate the shootie. Hate it. Violently. It either makes you look like you're on your way to the Neverland Transvestite Ball, or like you have cloven hooves.

It's not even a real boot! It's a hybrid cop-out. It's what you wear when you think, "Hm, I sort of feel like wearing a boot, but I'm not really committed to the idea. Plus, the top of my arch is just so sexy, I'd like to keep it exposed." And this is not actually a thought sane people have.

As a change of pace, these are all crazy expensive, as opposed to the bargain-basement Forever 21 selections normally featured. If you're itching to drop $400+ on a pair of shoes, the links are below ... but, I'd advise you to spare yourself and others. Instead, spend the $400+ on a worthwhile cause, like buying me these:

Giuseppe Zanotti I97071 - $760
Marc by Marc Jacobs 694905 - $465
Giuseppe Zanotti I96070 - $650
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $150
Betsey Johnson Caitlin - $200

Monday, August 24, 2009

Three Dresses of Varying Degrees of Ugly

Again, Forever 21 offers a plethora of unattractive dresses.

This dress is called the "Ready or Not" dress. I believe the origins of the name stem from the fact that the stitching on the cups create the illusion of eyes. It's like your rack is getting ready to play hide and seek with good taste!

I mentioned a rule in an earlier post about not wearing anything that looks unflattering on the mannequin. The same applies for if it looks bad on the model. This is wrong in so many ways: the ill-fitting bodice, the weirdly spaced armhole, the shapeless skirt, the bubble hem. This is what you make in a Home Ec class.

And from behind, the bubble hem/shapeless skirt combination manages to give the girl a pear shape while simultaneously hiding any semblance of an ass. That is a feat in and of itself.

Admittedly, it's not as bad in the always vibrant black/taupe combination. That doesn't mean the dress is a good idea, though, by any stretch of the imagination. And, the dress still makes you completely shapeless. Worse still, in this picture, it creates the illusion of pantaloons.

This I include only because I'm pretty sure that it's what Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas" would wear if Halloweentown were hit with a sudden heat wave.

Forever 21 Ready Or Not Slip Dress

Forever 21 Bubble Empire Dress

Forever 21 Mixed Print Maxi Dress

Safety First

Fasten your seatbelt - it's going to be an unflattering skirt.

Just running down the list of issues with this skirt:

1. It cuts your legs into sections, making them look shorter.

2. Each section is sewn onto the prior one, so none of the panels lie flat.

3. The exposed zipper cuts your body in half, amplifying the widening effect of the horizontal panels.

4. It's a polyester, rayon and spandex blend.

5. My middle school backpack has that same buckle.

Forever 21 Exposed Zip Front Colorblocked Skirt

Friday, August 21, 2009

An Egregious Use of Spandex

I know that, in the six posts I've made so far, the bulk have been about Forever 21. I felt kind of bad about it, and worried that I might hurt the store's feelings.

Then I saw this:

Faux-denim leggings. With zippers on the bottoms. And no pockets. Because they are leggings. Faux-denim leggings.

Not convinced? Let's see the back:

When shopping online, I follow two simple rules:

1) Only buy it if the site offers free returns

2) If it looks bad on the mannequin, it's not going to be any better on you.

The mannequins are molded plastic designed to be as perfectly shaped as humanly possible. They are engineered to make the clothes look good.

So if the mannequin looks like it's rocking a giant, flat ass while wearing skintight mom jeans, odds are, you will not fare any better.

That's not going to stop any number of women from buying this 98% cotton, 2% spandex atrocity. I remember when people wore these the first time around, in the 90s, and it was as wrong then as it is now.

Why does Forever 21 hate the world, that they keep inflicting clothing like this on it? Why?

Pocketless Zipper Ankle Pant

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Avril Lavigne is Totally Still Relevant

It's tough going back to school. You have to start waking up before noon, the required reading isn't a Teen Beat article on the Jonas brothers, and you have to find the perfect outfit to express that you are an individual, unlike all those preppy sheep. The dark nail polish and bangs in your face just won't cut it any more.

Luckily, Kohl's has anticipated your needs, and is the official retailer for Avril Lavigne, the original punk.

You can "rock" this outfit for your first day of class.

Nothing says "I rebel against societal mores" like a sewn-on tie, zebra stripe, and shorts that will inevitably make your legs look like stumpy plaid sausages.

Kohl's Abbey Dawn Zebra Shirt Set
Abbey Dawn Plaid Bermuda Shorts

Monday, August 10, 2009

Denim Skirts Don't Need to Be Hybrid

This is unnecessary:

The only case in which I can imagine either of these would be necessary is if you were torn between wearing a jean mini or your floral/ruffled skirt. If you're having that problem, and you think the best solution is to combine the two, then congratulations, Forever 21 has anticipated your needs and risen to the occasion.

Forever 21 Ruffle Hem Denim Skirt

Forever 21 Floral Hem Denim Skirt

Friday, August 7, 2009

Thank the Hipsters

I loved the 90s. Granted, I was 5 when they started, so I don't remember much, but I do remember wanting a pair of Doc Martins because Clarissa wore them. I also wore flannel shirts until '97.

Hey, I never said I knew how to dress.

But as I was saying, I love the 90s. I was born in '85, and I can easily say that the 90s rank as one of my top 3 favorite decades to have lived through.

This is not okay.

This will never, ever be okay. I can't begin to verbalize why it's so awful, beyond stating basic observable facts about the skirt. All I can do is repeat, over and over again, "It's buffalo check! It's tiered! It's tiered buffalo check! TIERS. BUFFALO CHECK. THIS IS NOT OKAY." Then I wave my arms wildly at the screen and make noises, because somehow that will better convey my distress.

I know someone will buy this. They will probably wear it with those stupid bootie-heel shoes that make it look like what Peter Pan would wear to the Neverland Cross Dresser's Ball. They'll wear it with a leotard, and they will look down at me disdainfully in my jeans and Chucks (I told you I don't know how to dress).

But that will not change the fact that they are wearing A TIERED BUFFALO CHECK SKIRT. And that is not okay.

Forever 21 Tiered Buffalo Check Shirt

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Cowboys & Gangsters Wear Sensible Sandals

Sandals haven't undergone much invention since their creation back by some guy who was sick of stepping on rocks while hunting mammoths. The last great innovation for the sandal was the jelly shoe, and that was only great because you could hose them down when they started to look gross.

But now, in the 21st century, a new age has dawned. Behold, The Spatsdal - have spats, half sandal.

Or, if your rain dance is feeling a little under-accessorized, the moccasandal.

Mod Cloth Oh Snap! Sandals

Mod Cloth Sienna Sandals

Denim Dresses Are Not Okay

If you like planning your Halloween costume months in advance, I have one for you:

Bitchy popular girl from any 90s teen movie. Combine with thick platform Mary Janes, full hair, and a posse of slightly insecure, slightly less pretty cheerleaders.

If that's not your style, you can always go for this:

Throw some paint on this dress, add a flannel shirt and some glasses, pull your hair up in a bun, and go as the nerdy girl just waiting for Freddie Prinze Jr. to notice the beautiful woman within.

Forever 21 X-Posed Denim Dress

Forever 21 Denim Jumper Dress