Billy Ray's Favorite Skirt

Hey guys, look what I found:

Business in the front.



Party in the back!



That's right. This is the mullet of floral skirts.

Forever 21 Ruffle Back Floral Skirt - $28

On the Street

Sent to me by Intrepid Field Reporter Ava:



Look, I don't know what the deal is here. I don't know who this woman is, where she's going, or where she bought this hat.

All I know is, it looks like a male polar bear is sitting on her head.

Psych Out

Do you ever feel like your dress just isn't multi-tasking? Like it's just a dress, but you want it to be so much more?



Forever 21 presents to you a dress that can double as a fun icebreaker. Ask your friends what they see in the image on your dress, then proceed to psychoanalyze. Yes, that's right, you can wear a Rorschach test.

What do you think it is?

Forever 21 Abstract Art Dress - $32

Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like Years of Abandonment

I guess this is better than the Juicy Couture sweats with "Juicy" written across the seat.



However, this sweatshirt has a built-in tramp stamp. Seriously. That is the butterfly of father issues right there. I don't care that it's supposed to be a clever statement about your popularity. Instead, it looks like you're saying "I'm a social butterfly because I desperately seek the approval of others, having never been given any by my own father." But that would be a lot of text to fit on the back of a sweatshirt.

Aqua Sport Velour Social Butterfly Hoodie - $88

Public Service Announcement #3

Did you know that, every day, more than thirty thousand pairs of high heels go unworn or unpurchased? Many collect dust on the floors of closets or sit in the dark of a storeroom.



With so many pairs of shoes going unworn, waiting to be rescued, why the hell would you buy these?

Ed Hardy Rock Away Heels - $68.95

Kung Fu Pandas

Okay, am I missing something?



No, seriously. I do not get this t-shirt, to the point where I'm wondering if it's just absurdist and intentionally devoid of meaning.

This is a shirt with two pandas dressed in karate uniforms. One is holding nunchucks. The saying on the shirt reads "Oh no you didn't."

What is happening here? Did one panda anger the other panda? Are they mad over the deforestation and human encroachment on their habitats? Did they find Kung Fu Panda to be an offensive stereotype?

Why are these pandas so upset? Is it at each other, or an unseen foe? Is the intent of the shirt that the wearer is saying, "Oh no you didn't"? If that's the case, and this is a shirt from the wearer's perspective, should the viewer then stand to reason that the wearer is threatening them with ninja pandas?

Yeah, I'm guessing that's what the meaning behind this shirt is - don't piss me off, or I'll send my ninja pandas to attack you.

Forever21 No You Didn't Tee - $10.90

The Stars Are Ageless

Back in October, I posted a turban being sold by Forever 21. At the time, I suggested it would be perfect for a Norma Desmond costume.



If you loved that costume at the time, imagine how much more you'll like it when you have the complete outfit.

No, it's not the sweeping robes and elaborate gowns that she wore in the movie. But if you're going to wear a turban in real life just for kicks, this is the dress you wear it with.

ModCloth It's All Navy Dress - $64.99

Christmas Week

My wonderful grandmother is in town, so posting is difficult this week. I'll be back to my normal 2-3 times a day next week, but I'm taking this week off. Thanks for reading!

Mocked Denim Leggings

I'm so very, very confused.



On the one hand, leggings are not pants. However, these are leggings that look just like pants. And they seem to be fitting the model like skinny jeans rather than like leggings. But, they're leggings. Plus, skinny jeans already exist, so is there a need to make leggings that look like skinny jeans?

These are named "Mocked Denim Leggings," but for once, I'm not mocking. I'm just lost, and a little scared.

Forever 21 Mocked Denim Leggings - $19.90

Seeing Spots

I know I need to get a new glasses prescription.



However, I'm pretty sure it's not my glasses that are making my eyes go in and out of focus.

ModCloth Can't Change Your Spots Dress - $49.99

ModCloth Deserves Some Praise

I was weeding through my many, many tabs tonight, because even Chrome can't handle the number of pages I have open. And, as I sorted through them, I realized something: half of the tabs were for ModCloth's dresses. I realized, I've barely looked at the rest of the site lately, because I've been so absorbed with their dress section. But here's the thing: for all of the awful dresses I've posted, for all the misplaced peplums and mottled sequins, the majority of the dresses are great.

So, in the hopes that others will get to buy the dresses and twirl around feeling pretty, I'm posting some of my favorites (I'm on a shopping embargo, due to not being particularly employed, so I can't buy their entire dress section).

Yeah, there's not a lot of cutting remarks and sarcasm, but there are pretty dresses after the jump.

Brace Yourself

I don't watch a lot of Larry King Live - he asks too many softball questions, and he always seems a little lost whenever interviewing a celebrity who debuted after talkies were introduced.



However, in the event that they ever decide to update the format of the show, I hope that they add some Fly Girl-esque dancers. They can be called the Larry King Live Suspender Ladies, and this can be their costume.

Forever 21 Sequin Suspender Skirt - $19.80

Check Plus

Back several months ago, I posted a purple buffalo check dress from ModCloth. I was not a fan.

It's made worse by the fact that I have since discovered that ModCloth can in fact get purple buffalo check right - a feat I didn't think possible.



The dress is tailored, so it doesn't overwhelm you with fabric. The checks seem to be bigger, but the purple and black are better blended, so it's not too busy. This is actually a wearable dress; as opposed to the prior dress, which was really just a ream of buffalo check fabric that was hastily stapled together as a last-minute Home Ec project.


ModCloth Corral Dress - $52.99

Dol-mention It

I don't understand Dolman sleeves. I really don't. On rare occasions, it can be done properly. But otherwise, the best-case scenario is that the top looks like it doesn't fit right.

The worst case scenario?



It leaves you or the model looking like something horrible has happened to your torso.

Every time I look at this picture, I just want to get her to a doctor so she can have that dislocated shoulder fixed. But that desire is tempered by the fact that I'm afraid to take her outside, lest a strong wind carry her away like she's a well-dressed sugar glider.



Just so we're clear - yes, the sugar glider is very cute, let's focus here - just so we're clear, the Dolman sleeves actually extend down to the low waist of the dress. Her entire torso is Dolman sleeved. That's a lot of sleeve. And yet, the designer felt it necessary to add full-length fitted sleeves to the dress. How much sleeve does this dress actually require?

If they had just taken the Dolman sleeves in a little, removed the long sleeves, and made it a minidress, I'd be on board. I probably wouldn't wear it, because I have an hourglass shape and adding extra, baggy fabric to my chest will only end with my looking like I'm wearing a muumuu. But it would work.

Okay, I have to stop looking at this dress before I call a chiropractor for the poor girl.

French Connection Feather Frost Plains Dress - $118

Tweed Bow Skirt

Upon first, second, and third viewing of this skirt, I had nothing negative to say about it, except, "It's not in my closet yet."



There is so much to love about it.
- It's hot pink.
- It has a reasonably sized, well-structured bow.
- It looks like something Emma Pillsbury would wear, except it's a miniskirt, so I'd actually be able to pull it off.

As I looked at this skirt, debating over whether or not I could excuse buying yet another mini, the only thing I could think was, "I can't believe Forever 21 made a skirt that could pass for J.Crew."

And then I saw the back.



You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Forever 21? You saw a perfectly good skirt, and you thought, "Hm, how can we totally ruin the aesthetic? I know. A giant zipper running down the back."

Is it of vital importance that there is a full-length exposed zipper? Has the skirt been known to spontaneously ignite, so it's important to provide the wearer with a quick escape?

If you had sprung for the side zipper, or even a small back zipper, I would have paid the extra $5. You charge a lot more for your Twelve by Twelve line, and that stuff doesn't look nearly as good.

Less can be more, Forever 21. Really. An article of clothing doesn't need to incorporate three trends. One trend is just fine. You don't even have to show restraint with all your clothes. But, if you had just shown some with this skirt -

No. I'm sorry. I can't talk about this any more. It's too upsetting.

Forever 21 Tweed Bow Skirt - $19.80

Wocka Wocka!

Forever 21 has been creating tons of new lines lately.



I just didn't realize they were inspired by Fozzie Bear.




Forever21 Shag Bow Front Sweater - $36

Terror in the Skies!

I'm a nerd. I'm a huge, giant nerd. My other blog is about disaster movies. So, that should have been your first hint right there that I am a rock collecting, Bill Nye loving science geek.

Therefore, it is without shame that I post these sweaters and admit that yes, I would absolutely wear them if they were handed to me.

No, really. Come on, it has teradactyls on it! How cool is that? I'd argue that this is well worth the nearly $270 price tag, if for no other reasons than, well, DINOSAURS.

I wouldn't wear this dress with sequined leggings, but I would work very hard to create an outfit around this sweater dress. It's a little devastating to me that it's sold out, because that means I'm going to see women wearing this sweater dress, and I'm not one of them.

I like the solo teradactyl on this - it's a surprisingly simple cardigan, when you consider that it has a giant dinosaur on the back. Normally, if it's Betsey Johnson, I would expect to see lace hems and polka dots and half of Andie's prom dress from Pretty In Pink. But no, it's a very simple cardigan with a teradactyl on it.

I wouldn't wear this sweater, only because I have a very short torso and therefore cropped sweaters do me no favors. If it weren't $230, I'd consider buying it just so I can own an article of clothing that has a dinosaur on it.

Betsey Johnson gets some major points for designing a sweater and a dress with teradactyls on it - and, beyond that, for letting it stand on its own, as a simple statement of awesomeness. That takes bravery, Ms. Johnson, and it has paid off handsomely.

Betsey Johnson Teradactyl Jacquard Sweater Dress - $268
Betsey Johnson Teradactyl Jacquard Cropped Cardigan - $228

Thanks, ModCloth Naming Committee

This dress was submitted by weather guru and blog promoter extraordinaire Nicole. Says she:

Something about the dress just seems off. I don't know if it's the piped waistline, or the fact that my eye is drawn to the gap in the collar and the plaid front panel, or the plaid itself (trade the red for green or yellow and it might have gone better, but I can't say for sure).



I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, despite being overlooked by the ModCloth Naming Committee. Clearly, the kind people at ModCloth just aren't aware of this blog yet; otherwise, there's no explanation for why this isn't called the "You Want Me To Wear What? Dress".

In fact, I think you should all email that suggestion to them.

Oh, right. The dress.

Look, I love plaid. And I love denim. I do not, however, understand why designers continue to insist on pairing them in dress form.

Repeat after me: "Plaid is not an accent fabric."

When you pair the two together, it doesn't create a fashion-forward dress. It looks like something you got off a Kmart clearance rack from 1994. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but whenever I look at dresses like this, I immediately think of denim vests with little patches on it. It reminds me of something that Finn's mom would wear.



On a construction level, the collar seems way too small for the dress itself. I think I'd like it better if the collar were oversized, because at least then it would feel a little more vintage. Also, the strip of plaid running down the center doesn't need to be that thick, unless you want to make your torso look wider. Otherwise, this dress bisects the body in a weird way that ends up making the whole thing look kind of frumpy, especially when accompanied by the extraneous piping along the waistline.



Also, the piping is the only detailing that is continued on the back of the dress. Look, I'm not a fan of the plaid collar, but if you're going to have it, at least continue it all the way around, just for the visual symmetry. I think this is one of the rare cases where I would rather there be more plaid than less.

So, is this whole denim/plaid thing going to keep going through the season? Because it's getting old, fast.

ModCloth Niotillfem Dress - $99.99

Dyed Velvet

Yeah, sure they're being sold as separates.




But let's be honest here: if you're going to wear tie-dyed velvet, you might as well go all-out and wear a tie-dyed velvet suit, right?

Betsey Johnson Tye Dye Velvet Jacket - $248
Betsey Johnson Tye Dye Velvet Leggings - $98

Tears for Tiers

The dress's name is so close to accurate. Because, looking at this dress, I can't help but feel like the dress is crying for what could have been.



If this dress didn't have these excessive tiers, I might actually have liked this dress. The shape of the bodice is nice in a vintage prom dress way, and the color kind of works for me.

But no. There are those damn tiers. And I think the dress knows that those tiers mar its elegance. I think it knows, and at night, when no one's looking, it cries.

So, an apt name, ModCloth, but a cruel twist of fate for the dress.

ModCloth The Tiers of a Gown - $64.99

A Long Romp

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my short torso once or six times on this blog. It's apparently something that I'm a little obsessed with. And not without reason - I'm 5'2", and my inseam is nearly the same length as my 5'10" boyfriend's. I have absolutely no torso.



Which is why this would be absolutely absurd on me. Seriously, what kind of normal-torso-ed freak is this designed for? People who actually have space between their belly button and rib cage? That is ridiculous.

No, in all seriousness, my one question is, how does this stay up?



Ooh. Wow. Gathered elasticized sweatpant band. Didn't see that coming.

Forever 21 Denim Strapless Romper - $22.80

The Sheath Unleashed

This dress is so deceptively classy.



From the front, it looks like a simple shift dress. Elegant. Classy. The kind of thing that's surprisingly hard to find, at major department stores.



And in the back, it's pure hippie. Seriously, the back has a crocheted pattern. I don't know if anyone has ever looked at a sheath dress before and thought, "Y'know, this could use more macrame," so power to the designer for that kind of creativity. And I guess they accomplished their goal of creating an unexpected take on a shift dress.

However, accomplishing a goal doesn't mean that goal was worthwhile in the first place.

ModClothNot So Simple Shift Dress - $64.99

Future-trama

From the Zappos description: Set the tone for what the world is coming to with these futuristic ankle boots from Betsey Johnson.



Look, I watched a lot of Jetsons when I was a kid. I remember there was a sassy robot maid, a cool treadmill thing for dog walking, and the houses were in the sky.

I do not remember anything about ugly metallic peep-toe booties. That is not the future that I signed on for. In fact, the future I was expecting had about 98% fewer booties, and 100% more flying cars.

So no, Zappos. I will not "set the tone for what the world is coming to." If the world is to be dominated by peep-toed booties, I will fight it with every fiber of my being. Do you hear me? With every fiber of my being.

Betsey Johnson Capri Booties - $160 (was $299)

XOXO, ModCloth

Man, things have been tough for Serena lately. First she spends all summer looking for her biological father, only to be repeatedly rebuffed. When she returns home to New York, her boyfriend Carter reveals that he is in debt to a powerful Texan family, so he agrees to pay off his debts by working on an oil rig. Then, she ends up working for a publicist and has to date one of her clients to keep him in the news. She quits her job and goes to work for married Congressman Tripp Van der Bilt. She promptly begins an affair with him, which ends after he runs their car off the road to avoid hitting a pack of huskies wolves and he moves her into the driver's seat before fleeing the scene.

Like I said. Things have been tough.

And as if that weren't bad enough, someone apparently broke into her closet and is selling her wardrobe to ModCloth. The only thing that makes me think this might not be Serena's dress is that it doesn't show nearly enough cleavage. However, I can definitely see her strutting through Manhattan in a mini-dress with what appear to be shoulder pads from the Intergalactic Football League. These aren't actually shoulder pads, but rather, over decorated t-shirt sleeves. The end result is the same, though.

In a related note, can we please move past this whole shoulder pad resurgence? If you have broad shoulders, you can't wear them. And if you don't - come on. You're not fooling anyone with these things.

ModCloth Fashion Chalet Dress - $62.99

Haverchic

The first dress is called the "Lady Chatterley Dress," a reference to the scandalous D.H. Lawrence novel about an upper-class woman's affair with a working class man.

Personally, I think this dress is more reminiscent of another famous literary character.



It's like Mrs. Haversham's tattered wedding dress!



As for this, I suppose if Mrs. Haversham is in the market for a tattered wedding dress-esque nightgown, this dress should work just fine.

ModCloth Lady Chatterley Dress - $99.99
ModCloth Behind Every Grey-t Dress - $59.99

Skullking About

Ah, I remember the days when I would put on my favorite skull pajamas, crawl into bed, and have my dad read me a story. Or when I would wake up early and run downstairs to watch cartoons, wearing my comfy skull pajamas. Or when I would go to a sleepover at a friend's house, and everyone would jealously admire my beloved skull pajamas.



I'm so glad that Betsey Johnson has recreated them, so I can relive those fond memories as an adult.

Betsey Johnson Skull Thermo Jumpsuit - $225

Mad Mandarin

I've faithfully watched Mad Men for the past three years. One of the things I love about it is the clothing. Whether it's Betty's beautiful circle skirts or Joan's tight wiggle dresses, I spend a lot of the episode staring at the clothes and wondering how I can get them.

You know whose wardrobe I rarely envy, though? Peggy's. And this dress is so utterly a Peggy dress. It would be very cute and wearable if the jabot weren't massive. Does it need to span the entire chest? Looking at it, I can't help but wonder if the jabot is actually made of little strips of paper that you can rip off, should you need to take notes on your sociopath boss's latest idea for Conrad Hilton.

If the jabot were small, just a little strip of ruffles, it would already be in my shopping cart. But, much like the bulk of Peggy's clothes, the dress comes dangerously close to being cute, but then veers off to "unwearable" at the last second.

ModCloth The Regina Dress - $162.99

Slash and Burn

I am not a fan of leggings. I'm not. I belong to a Facebook group titled, "Leggings Are Not Pants, Cover Your Cooter," started by Reader and Former Roommate Ava. However, in spite of that, I always try to look at each pair of leggings with a fresh eye, in the hopes that I will not find them distasteful.



These leggings do not help that cause.



Let's start off with the fact that they're metallic leggings. That, in and of itself, doesn't thrill me to my core. Add in the fact that the leggings are slashed - is that really necessary? And to have them ripped all over, even on the seat?



Close up, the slashes look diseased, don't they? Like they're actually sores, rather than slashes.

These are not pants. These are not even leggings. These are the rags you use to clean the oven. But they're selling for $19 on Forever 21, which means that more expensive versions exist in the world.

The very concept leaves me flummoxed.



If you'd like to own a pair of these festering sore leggings, they come in not one, but three colors. Yes, three. Because really, the black is only appropriate for more formal occasions, isn't it?

Forever 21 Slashed Metallic Leggings - $19

123 Tragedy

I know, in recent years, Cookie Monster has fallen out of favor due to his encouraging small children to consume cookies whenever they're within sight.

Let's be honest - the monster had a problem. At one point, he even fantasized about eating the moon. That's not right.



However, that's no reason for Mr. Hooper and Maria to have skinned him and sold his pelt to Betsey Johnson.

Betsey Johnson Mariboo Shrug - $188

ModCloth Is Not American Apparel

I have nothing against shiny things. I love shiny things. Shinies are delightful.

The problem is, when shiny isn't done well, it looks cheap. And when it looks cheap, it looks like it's from American Apparel. Adding fringe to the underboob region doesn't make this look any less cheap. I guess it does distract from the cheap shiny fabric on top, which is doing very strange things to the mannequin's chest. Seriously, doesn't it kind of make the mannequin look like a Fembot?

Sequins are tricky. Done wrong, the sequins end up looking mottled. Done wrong, shiny and tight, the dress ends up looking like something you modeled at a company photoshoot, during which your creepy mutton-chopped boss pawed at you, then afterward propositioned you.

ModCloth, you did shiny so well here. Aim for pretty shiny, not trashy American Apparel shiny.

Shiny.

Shiny, shiny, shiny ... I'm sorry, what?

ModCloth Kick Line Dress$54.99
ModCloth Tis the Season to Shine Dress - $49.99
ModCloth Polaris Dress - $99.99

Houndstooth Blanket Horrors

I'm all for creativity, especially when it involves repurposing.



For example, I think it was very clever of someone to sew together a bunch of Houndstooth scarves to create a blanket.



However, it is completely beyond me as to why someone would then attach strings to it and force a model to wear it. Does the designer have some sort of a grudge against the model? From the look on her face, she doesn't seem to know what she's done to deserve this treatment. Notice how she looks off-camera, hand to her head, as if she's wondering whether she's lost a bet, or maybe if she insulted the designer's dog. Poor girl. No one deserves this treatment.

I do like her shoes, though.

Patterson J. Kincaid Houndstooth Print "Jenny" Dress - $128

Big Girl in a Little Hat

Hee. Comically tiny chapeaus.

I mean, it's just such a tiny hat! On an otherwise normally-sized head! When would you wear this? On what occasion would you say to yourself, "I think today's the perfect day for my miniature top hat." Do you worry about it blowing away in the breeze? When you're not wearing it, does it sit on top of a doll's head? I have so many questions about this ridiculously small hat! Is it formal wear? Is it casual? Do you wear this to church, or is it too small for such purposes? Who thought to themselves, "What the world needs now, more than ever, is a tiny top hat affixed to a hair pin?"

And, most importantly, who buys it?

ModCloth The Blaine Hair Clip - $34.99

MTV Had Music?

Remember that time when Forever 21 made a tank with Courtney Love on it, and I pointed out that the target demographic for Forever 21 doesn't remember a time when Courtney Love wasn't a total mess?



How many of those kids have ever seen a record in real life?

Forever21 I Love My Music Tee - $12.80

Where's Whitesnake?

Hey, remember how, up until a few years ago, people used to laugh about how awful their clothes were in the 80s?



Man, those were some good times. I miss those days. Back then, Guess never would have described these jeans with the following: "Revive the vinyl, teased hair and ripped tees ubiquitous to '80s style and slip into GUESS' retro skinny jeans."

Clearly, all the hairspray from the teased hair has gotten to the Guess designers. That's the only explanation for why they would ever think that faded grey jeans with a black pattern down the outer thighs would be flattering or appealing.



Peg-legged jeans sound like so much fun, until you see them. Then you realize that they have nothing to do with pirates, and you've been fooled again.

What, that doesn't happen to you? It's just me? Well, damn. The description says these jeans "evoke rocker-chic." Look, I'm not going to argue the relative merits of rocker-ness here. However, I would suggest that it's less "rocker-chic" and more "rocker who just woke up from a weekend-long bender." I know they're supposed to look like they've seen better days, but that doesn't mean you need to as well.



As for these? If I wanted to look like I spilled bleach all over my jeans, I would have done just that. But I have the good sense to recognize that the marbling effect, paired with the skin-tight jeans, will look hideous on me.

Like I said, there was a time when we made fun of bad 80s fashions. How did designers convince us that we should relive it, but with a bigger price tag?

Guess Verona Skinny Jeans in Zebra Wash - $98
J Brand Tie-Dyed Skinny Jeans in Oz Wash - $198
Paige Premium Denim "Skyline Drive" 10" Peg-Legged Jeans in Heavy Metal Wash - $249