You Want Me To Wear What?

Movin' On Up

2010-04-18T00:03:00.000-07:00

Much as I have enjoyed my time here at Blogger, I'm moving over to Wordpress, where I don't have to live in fear that Google is going to decide my blog is a threat to its advertisers. So, if you're here and looking for new posts, head over to www.youwantmetowearwhat.com.

Thanks!

Friday Feets - Ballet Flats

2010-04-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

Since no one kicked and screamed about last week's Friday Feets (not even about the ridiculous name), here we go with week 2.

Last week, Jaclyn asked me to find a pair of comfortable flats. I haven't tried any on personally, but I checked customer reviews on some different sites to track these down.

Okay, I checked the reviews for some of them. I couldn't find any reviews for these, but let's look at this critically: they're $20. They're studded. They have rubber soles, which provides a little bit of cushioning.

Oh, also, Endless has free shipping and free returns. So if the shoes suck, you can get your money back with a quickness.

These are another pair I couldn't find any reviews of, but they're Aerosoles, and I have yet to have a bad experience with Aerosoles. Their heels defy the common belief that heels have to be painful to look good, so I have a hard time believing that these shoes will be anything but comfortable.

From Maria Sharapova's collection for Cole Haan. I've tried on other pairs from the Air series, and they all have good cushioning and support. Plus, the reviews on Endless.com appear to be unanimously positive, especially because of their comfort.

These don't have the glowing reviews of the Cole Haans, but several reviews cited that the shoes are wide. Jaclyn mentioned she had wide feet, so I'm including these in the event that she's reading this post. They don't have great arch support, but if you're crazy about the shoes, you can always buy an insole.

As for these ... they're expensive, but oh man, they're cute. I love those abstract flowers. They're kind of funky, and a great bit of floral detailing without getting too precious.

Anyone have any experience with these? Or do you have a pair of flats you love? Pass it along in the comments!

I'm Confused

2010-04-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am not ashamed to admit it.

I do not understand this tank top. I'm completely lost. I've even googled the phrase "Life on the moon isn't easy," but nothing came up. What the hell does it mean?

I feel like I'm looking at a New Yorker cartoon. That's how confused I am.

Why do these women not have eyebrows or noses? Why are they talking about how hard it is to live on the moon? Do they live on the moon? Are they considering moving to the moon? What makes living on the moon hard? Is it the lack of atmosphere and weak gravitational pull? The absence of water? The fact that it's a three day commute to get to the nearest mall? Is there a high crime rate on the moon? Is the unemployment rate on the moon skyrocketing? Are you bored of the amusement park?

I'm not arguing that living on the moon isn't hard, but that's mostly because, as far as I'm aware, one cannot live on the moon. Since, apparently, these women are having a discussion about it, the situation must not be as cut and dry as I imagined.

I'd like a follow-up tank, one that gives this one a little more context. Maybe a response from the other girl along the lines of, "Yeah, ever since the moon's currency weakened, it's been almost impossible to find jobs." Or, "Well, sure, because space suits make my hips look fat." I'll take pretty much anything, as long as it's an answer.

Forever 21 Life On the Moon Tank - $12.80

FLOTUS

2010-04-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

Remarkably stylish First Lady Michelle Obama has worn dresses by Thakoon several times in the past few years.

While surfing the dress section of ShopBop, I came across this Thakoon dress.

Is it wrong that I really, really want to see her wear this?

It's one of those dresses that exists solely for the runway, and the mental image of Michelle Obama sweeping into a room wearing it fills me with the kind of joy that only serves to remind me that yes, I am that easily amused.

Thakoon Draped Tidal Dress - $2,790

Flat Foot Society

2010-04-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

I've talked a lot recently about shoes I'm not a fan of, as well as shoes I like. So I'm not going to say much about these, because I'm getting a little burnt out on shoe talk.

I will say this, though: the soles are so flat, my arches hurt just looking at them.

Sigerson Morrison Bracelet Flat Suede Sandals with Back Zip - $395

We All Scream

2010-04-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

Over time, there have been certain catchphrases that have rightfully earned their place on bumper stickers and graphic ts alike. "Make Love, Not War." "Hugs Not Drugs."

"Melt Ice Cream, Not Glaciers" will not be one of them.

Let's deal with the obvious, glaring error in this statement: no one should ever let ice cream melt. Ever. Unless you're six and you still find "soupy" ice cream a novelty.

I'm not saying that letting ice cream melt is a catastrophe on the level of global warming, but ... no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

If the message is that melted ice cream is a fair exchange for melting glaciers - putting melted ice cream on par with catastrophic climate change - then I want a t-shirt that says, "Screw The Polar Bears, Save the Sprinkles."

Delia*s Melt Sundaes Tee - $26.50

Mistakes Were Made ...

2010-04-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I've been going through an insane domestic phase the last few days. It's partly a function of my being on Spring Break and feeling like I have too much time on my hands, and it's partly a function of being sick of the same three places my boyfriend and I always eat at. It used to be four ... RIP, Westwood Chili's.

What? Don't judge me, they had hot wings for 50 cents each, giving you a bucket of tasty for under $6.

Right. Anyway. So I've been going through an "I should cook!" phase, which mostly entailed my surfing through cooking blogs looking for macaron recipes. Then I stumbled upon a blog called Cupcakes and Cashmere.

Apparently I'm the last person on the internet to find this, as it recently won the 2010 Bloggies for Best Fashion Blog. And it really is amazing - gorgeous photographs of food and of pretty, pretty clothing. The kind of clothes that you see and want to buy, despite the fact that the price is more Barney's than Forever 21.

What sold me on the blog, though, was a series of pictures of the writer in this dress:

She actually styled it better than the good folks at ShopBop, which is no small feat. I stared at these pictures for at least five minutes before finally deciding: I must have this dress. I must.

Florals! But not in a cheesy, Tori Spelling on 90210 way.

It's flowy! It's girly! I can walk through the streets of LA in something other than a scoop-neck t-shirt, jeans, and Converse! I can go shopping on Robertson! This dress, I decided, would change my life. Upon wearing it, I would become stylish, fashionable, chic.

So I went to Madewell in Century City. It opened a few years ago, but I've always passed it by. Their window styling isn't particularly impressive, and glancing in, I never saw anything that really grabbed my eye.

It's not often I realize I've made a terrible fashion mistake. The last one was my prom dress, back before I realized that pastels are not my palette. But not having visited Madewell sooner ... that now ranks up there in my list of fashion mistakes.

I tried on, no joke, 15 dresses and tops. I bought a couple dresses - one of them was the floral dress above, the other was this dress:

I'm returning them both, but that's because the dresses look terrible on me, not because the dresses deserve to be returned. I may or may not cry as I hand them back to the cashier.

The fabric is soft and malleable and flowy. The cut's great. But no matter how many times the girls working in the store told me the dresses were great for girls "who are, y'know, big on top," it just doesn't work for me. I think the waist isn't cut high enough, so the dress just has a lot of excess fabric between my chest and my waist.

Either way, these dresses are going back to the store, but I hope they're taken in by a new owner who can fulfill all the fantasies I had about wearing these dresses. Don't worry about me ... I'll be fine. I'll just wait out this season until the cut switches to something a little more flattering.

But learn from my mistake: if you live in NY or LA, check out Madewell. If you don't have a nearby Madewell, they have part of their collection on the ShopBop website. Check it out. J.Crew may be like that elegant friend of yours who lives in heels and can actually wear a tie-neck dress, but Madewell is her younger sister who, every time you see her, looks effortlessly cool - the kind of deceptive effortlessness which gives you hope that you can do it, too.

Madewell Georgette Flutter Dress - $135

In the Club

2010-04-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

This was submitted by Irene L. over on the Facebook fan page.

I get that this is probably "club wear," which falls into a whole other category of things I wouldn't wear, and I'm sure it's considered the height of stylishness at raves or something.

As a non-rave attending layperson, though, my thoughts on the top aren't particularly positive. Initially, I thought that the top reminded me of something an alien would wear on Star Trek. I think it's the neck collar.

But, the more I stared at it, the more concerned I became for the health and safety of the model, as it appeared the top was rebelling against the wearer and choking her. It kind of looks like the sleeve is reaching up and throttling the model, right?

Just me?

Well, even if I were one to wear clubwear (which I'm not, since the dress code for studying geology and sitting around my apartment is casual), I'd still steer clear of this top ... just to be safe.

ChicStar Sexy Asymetric One-Shoulder Top - $24.95

Forseen Fashions

2010-04-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

As a result of writing this blog, I now have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of ugly fashions. After 300+ posts, I remember pretty much everything I've written about. Which is sad, given how much brain space is now devoted to remembering Forever 21's variations on unflattering dresses.

So when I came across these two dresses on ShopBop, they felt more than a little familiar

No, really familiar.

I feel a little bad for making fun of the Forever 21 dress - I thought this was just some random top they'd designed, but apparently they were just a season ahead of the curve. Their ripped dress even has studded embellishments, which actually makes it well worth it's price tag of $29.80.

The cat dresses, on the other hand ... I didn't get it when ModCloth was selling this maxi, and I don't get it now. Giant cat faces, people. On your torso. Even bedazzled, that doesn't make it better. It just makes it reflective and therefore safe for jogging at night.

Which is great, because the only time you should be wearing the a cat dress is at night. If no one sees it, great - they've been spared the mind-boggling confusion of why these dresses exist. If someone does see it, I feel like the "cat face emerging from torso" effect will be amplified by the low light.

Torn by Ronny Kobo Jenny Crystal Cat Tank Dress - $132
Cheap Monday Snake Cutout Tank Dress - $45

4 8 15 16 23 42

2010-04-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

You know you watch too much Lost when ...

You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

Just Like I'm On Dynasty

2010-04-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

If ShopBop is any indication, a big trend this spring is dresses with one long, draped sleeve.

This trend would not work for me. It would swallow me whole.

I don't dislike it, though. No, if I could, I would wear these dresses all the time, specifically so I could punctuate statements with dramatic arm gestures.

"You must come visit us in the Hamptons this year. No, you simply must."

"Darling, trust me. There's nothing a good pool boy can't fix."

"It's like my third husband always said, 'Honey, did you drink all the gin?'"

A.L.C. Capelet Dress with Belt - ~~$343~~ $240.10
Haute Hippie One Shoulder Swing Dress - $345
Issa Long Sleeve Long Dress - $734
Riller & Fount Fiona Mini Dress with Kimono Sleeve - $150
Alice & Olivia Elyse One Shoulder Dress - ~~$330~~ $99

Friday Feets

2010-04-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time shopping online for clothes and shoes. I also have this Amazon account where, if people buy through this site - or even click through to the products - I get money. So, yes, this is part of my ongoing attempt at actually managing to make some money off the internet.

But it's also a chance to post shoes. And does one really need an excuse for it?

So, here's my latest attempt: Friday Feet, the first installment.

First up: these Jessica Simpson flats. Like I said before, I tried really hard to hate Jessica Simpson's clothing and shoe lines, but I can't do it. Yeah, the giant bow is a little too precious for my taste, but I love the studs.

I actually got these the other day during a burst of "It's spring!" shopping. I bought them in pink from Boomingdales, but if you're interested in the black or white, they're available at Endless.com by clicking on the image.

And finally ...

Yes. They're expensive. But I've become obsessed of late with finding a good pair of nude platform round-toe heels (I'm very specific), and these are the nude platform round-toe heels I've been dreaming of for weeks. These shoes are the reason I'm posting these shoes ... in the hopes that enough of you will click through and buy, so that I may click through and buy, and then wear these shoes everywhere, regardless of how appropriate it is.

So, there you have it. Friday Feets. Love it? Hate it? Should I delete the post and scrub all mention of it from the history books?

Let me know in the comments, via email, or on the fan page. And if you have any suggestions for next week's, pass them along, too.

Chad, The Performing Arts Major

2010-04-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Stella McCartney is high-end to the point where I don't know much about her designs. So, here is what I do know:

1. She designed clothes for BabyGap and GapKids, including a series of dresses so cute, they make me wish I were 11 years old. And I don't think I'm alone, given that all the XL and XXL sizes are sold out.

2. She doesn't use leather or fur in her designs, so Natalie Portman likes her a lot (I don't know how I know this).

3. She apparently designs a line of what appears to be costumes for performance artists.

Come on. Can't you just imagine that guy from your college wearing this? You know the one. His name's probably something like "Chad," he claims he's from New York City but he's actually from Westchester, and all the girls in his high school thought he was like, way deep. He would have been a beat poet 50 years ago, but since he can't do that, he does spoken word performance art in a turtleneck jumpsuit.

As a side note, this is wool. Wool. I feel hot and itchy just looking at it.

Stella McCartney Purple Wool Turtleneck Jumpsuit - $479.99

Just Call Me Grumpy Bear

2010-04-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

I always find it hardest to dress for spring. The weather shifts back and forth, it's warm in the sun but freezing in the shade, all your warm weather clothes are still packed away and you don't feel like going through it all.

And because of the flow of air currents, sometimes your upper midriff gets hot while your arms are freezing.

Don't give me that look, ShopBop Model Who Kind of Looks Like Amanda Peet. I'm just saying, the long sleeves and bare midriff make me wonder if you've got some weird heating issues.

Ooh, unless you're a Care Bear and you don't want to limit your abilities to participate in a good Care Bear Stare. In which case, ignore everything I've said about body temperature. It all makes sense now.

Porter Grey Tie Waist Shirtdress with Cutout - $385

Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby

2010-04-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I'm so excited.

I've finally found the perfect jacket for my barbershop quartet.

AE Menswear Blazer - $49.50

A Message to the Pandas

2010-04-05T17:30:00.001-07:00

Yes, I have a tendency to read too much into graphic tees. It's part of that whole "overanalyzing" thing that I do.

Look, Panda, I'm not going to argue with you about the cute thing. You're a panda. You're freaking adorable. You are giant balls of cuddle.

I'm not allowed near the San Diego Zoo any more because I once tried to hop the fence at the panda enclosure because I wanted to take a nap and use your stomachs as pillows.

Smarter, though? Yeah, that's up for debate. You subsist on a diet of bamboo, which is so low in nutrients that you have to eat 30 pounds of it a day, a tenth of your weight. This is in spite of the fact that you have big, sharp carnivore teeth and a happy carnivore digestive tract, all designed to allow you to eat tiny creatures full of nutrients.

Oh, and also, you don't know how to mate, so zookeepers have to show you panda porn, in what must be the most awkward birds and bees moment this side of my dad singing a song about sperm and eggs to my brother.

So yes, Panda. You may be cuter than I am, but smarter? Well, given the fact that I'm not currently in a zoo because I'm actually incapable of surviving in the wild, I'd say that match point is mine.

Forever 21 Cuter and Smarter Tee - $9.80

Parisian Panaché At A Price

2010-04-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

I try to avoid commenting on expensive items purely because of their price tag. Some clothes are expensive, some are not, but they don't warrant criticism based solely on their price tag.

Or at least, that's what I thought, until I came across this cavalcade of Hermes beach towels on Bluefly.

Yes, these cotton terry beach towels are for sale on Bluefly at a very reasonable price of $477. According to the Bluefly description, with these towels you can "add a touch of Parisian panaché and sophistication to your day at the beach."

Man, if a towel with a couple tigers on it can do all that to a day at the beach, I wonder what my Jurassic Park: The Ride towel does? Maybe it adds terror and carnivorism to my day at the beach.

But the most important question is, now that you've bought this $500 beach towel, how will people know that you are lounging on a exorbitantly priced towel? Will they just sense the Parisian panaché and sophistication?

Ah. With a giant "Hermes" logo. Yeah, that'd do it.

Hermes Beach Towels - ~~$530~~ $477

Short Knit Leggings

2010-04-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

You know how, for the last few months, I've posted a few times about the 90s resurgence? And in a few of those posts, I mentioned that I wore a lot of bike shorts back when I was a kid.

Man, I am so glad that no one's bringing back bike shorts.

Wait a minute ....

Those short knit leggings look a lot like bike shorts.

In fact, if I saw someone wearing these on the street, I would probably exclaim "Whoa, look at those bike shorts!" Then she would have to respond with, "No, these are short knit leggings," and I'd feel terribly rude, and would then apologize for insulting her.

Unless ....

They actually are bike shorts, and Forever 21 is just trying to make us think they're innocuous by calling them "short leggings." Because "short leggings" sound much more sophisticated than "bike shorts."

I will say, their styling efforts just confirm that 90's Amanda was way ahead of her time, because I also wore bike shorts with a t-shirt and studded cowboy boots. Man, I was so cool.

Forever 21 Short Knit Legging - $4.90

Eye Spy

2010-04-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

In the past, I have claimed that a particularly busy pattern on a skirt or top reminds me of a Magic Eye picture.

I think that this dress actually is meant to be one.

Can you see it?

Frederick's Of Hollywood Drape Front Sublimation Dress - $49

J.Crew Can't Jump

2010-04-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, J. Crew. A jumpsuit in your spring line? Really? Did you have to go there?

I mean, yes, at least this one seems to be fitted to the model, so that's a plus. And it's not baggy in weird places. But they still remind me of long johns, and I can't imagine they're practical. Do you get totally undressed when you have to use the restroom? Or do you just not drink anything all day long? Because, really, I think that's kind of unsafe as the temperature rises.

From behind, these look like really expensive coveralls. If I were making a movie right now about a rich girl who has to do manual labor, like house painting, she would totally wear this while doing it. Then the guy she's working with would roll his eyes and tease her about it, because he can't stand entitled, snobby girls, but in the end it would turn out that he loves her for who she is, with or without her money.

Hm. Does Reese Witherspoon still play ditsy? If not, what's Isla Fischer up to? I've got a jumpsuit for them to wear, and a blockbuster hit on my hands.

J.Crew Silk Linen Jumpsuit - $148

Eyeliner of the Undead

2010-03-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

This isn't a post about a particular item. It's more of a general question.

Is orange eyeliner going to be a thing? Because I really, really am not a fan. It makes even the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth look kind of like she has Zombie-Jaundice, a disease that manifests itself in skin discoloration and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

This is unfortunate, because as we've seen many times, she does not have Zombie-Jaundice. She has very nice skin, perfectly normal eyelids, and as far as I can tell, no overwhelming desire to eat brains.

And, more importantly, if that's what orange eyeliner is doing to the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth - a girl who has pulled off both a comically tiny hat and a giant floppy bow, what would it do to the eyelids of us mere mortals?

ModCloth But Enough A-Bow Me Hair Clip - $13.99

Where's Mothra?

2010-03-31T12:58:00.000-07:00

This is a perfectly nice dress. If I saw it on someone at a party, I would probably admire it, maybe even ask where she got it.

But if I saw the back out of the corner of my eye, it would startle the crap out of me.

ABS by Allen Schwartz Tee Dress with Butterfly Back - ~~$185~~ $148

Fall Out Of It

2010-03-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

After spending some time on The Gap website the other day, looking at their denim tuxedos, I've figured out The Gap Conundrum.

What is The Gap Conundrum? It's deceptive in its simplicity. Basically, it boils down to the question: why is The Gap so terrible, when so much of what they sell are basics?

I almost feel bad posting about The Gap. It's like picking on 9th grade me for wearing a denim tuxedo - it's just too easy. Their declining sales have been widely publicized for years. They clearly can't figure out who their market is, or what they want their niche to be. More often than not, their styling choices lean more toward "wrinkled and ill-fitting." And that is the problem.

This does not look appealing. I do not want to wear this shirt. It does not look like it fits the model right. I don't care how happy she is while wearing it, there's no reason that the arm holes should be so low that they create that kind of pulling and folding through the chest.

This is a t-shirt from J.Crew. It's $6 more, but look at the difference in fit. See how it looks crisp? That is because it fits, and that is what The Gap fails at. None of their womenswear looks like it fits.

This is another shot of their "Favorite Stretch T." My only thought: If I wanted to buy a shirt that's not fitted, I'd shop at Eileen Fischer.

I've bought perfectly fitting t-shirts from Forever 21 before, and those were $5, so this isn't a case where price determines accuracy of the fit. No, this is a problem with The Gap.

What's interesting is, from what I can tell, their fit on men's clothing appears to be fine. It's hard to say for sure, because they seem adverse to posting pictures of male models wearing their clothes, but from the few pictures I've seen, the clothes seem to fit the men better.

So, where's the disconnect? Why is J.Crew capable of making a t-shirt that, at least on the model, appears to live up to the title of "perfect T", while the Gap struggles to make the style work on women who exist solely to look good in clothing?

It's too bad. I remember the Gap heyday, when people would randomly start swing dancing in the streets while wearing khakis. That was the influence of The Gap.

Now, I can't remember the last time I bought something from The Gap. Okay, I take that back. I think I bought a belt from them once.

Maybe I'm misguided here. Maybe the problem with The Gap isn't in their ill-fitting staples and unappealing styling.

But honestly, I don't know a single person who isn't always looking for a good basic t-shirt. If they could fill that niche - if they could get back to the clothes that fit right and look sharp - I'd start shopping there again. And given how many t-shirts I have in my drawer, my business would probably help a lot.

The Gap Favorite Stretch T - ~~$16.50~~ $10
J. Crew Perfect Fit Short-Sleeve Crewneck T-Shirt - $22.50 or 2 for $30

The Horse Might Not Agree

2010-03-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

I've commented before on ModCloth's naming choices.

These are the "Great Gelding Galoshes." And while I can't check the horses to say for sure that the name is, in fact, accurate - well, it's close enough. And it is alliterative.

So, from now on, I'm totally going to start exclaiming "Great Geldings!" in daily conversation. I suggest you join me. It's going to be the new thing.

It may not be hilarious at first, but imagine it in the voice of Christopher Lloyd.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

ModCloth Great Gelding Galoshes - $34.99

The One With the Flow Chart

2010-03-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

See, this is why I try to avoid the Topshop website.

Because they sell things like this. This is a fishnet skirt. That they are selling. To people. For money.

Many times, I will ask the public at large, "Who would wear this?" or "Why would you wear this?

This is not one of those times.

No, in case you're wondering whether or not you should wear this skirt, I've made a helpful flow chart. Click to enlarge.

There. Problem solved.

Topshop Fishnet Skirt - $44

Are You Jellin'?

2010-03-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

As evidenced by earlier posts, I'm more than happy to talk about my own fashion past, especially if it's 90s related.

So it is without shame that I admit that yes, I totally owned a pair of jellies back when I was 6 or 7. I begged my mom to buy them for me, she reluctantly agreed, and I wore them until they fell apart, despite the fact that they gave me terrible blisters. Because, as far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, chicest thing ever.

I don't really have a problem with their resurgence. I'm now an adult and I know better than to buy jellies, so the trend doesn't really affect me much. It mostly just makes me nostalgic for the days when I still thought that my jellies and bike shorts were a combination the likes of which hadn't been seen since some guy got chocolate in another dude's peanut butter.

However.

However.

However.

Oh my god, these are totally orthopedic jellies, and that's just sullying the good name of all that six year old Amanda holds dear. These are not okay, Forever 21. These are not okay at all.

Forever 21 Jelly Strap Sandal - $6.80

Fuzzy Memory

2010-03-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

Okay. I don't know why, but whenever I look at this dress, all I can think is "Ewok."

I don't know if it's the texture of the dress, or the color, or the fact that the sleeves kind of remind me of ears. It's obviously some combination of the three. But regardless, every time I look at that dress, I see this:

Or, at least, I see their pelts. Which apparently retail for about $250.

Topshop Ruffle Dress - $250

Ole?

2010-03-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

Wow. There is a whole lot of pattern happening here.

So, odds are, we should expect to see it on Vanessa wearing it on Gossip Girl some time before the end of the season.

ModCloth Piñata Leggings - $37.99

If you like Gossip Girl fashions, check out the other blog I sometimes write for, You Know You Love Fashion.

A Sign of Things To Come

2010-03-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!

Says Glamour.com fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.

Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - ~~$355~~ $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

MacModel!

2010-03-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

You can thank Leilani G. for sending this one to me.

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you're ready for anything!

It's true - these sandals perfectly convey "I'm ready for anything - I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank."

And now, I'll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

MacModel!
Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
MacModel!
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
MacModel!
I question her sartorial judgement.
MacModel!

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal - $114.99

Mid-Rise Cowboy

2010-03-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

I think it's time to disown The Gap.

They're trying to make the denim tuxedo happen.

I get that The Gap's trademark is their denim. And don't get me wrong, I love jeans and am vehemently anti-imitation denim.

However.

I made the mistake of wearing a denim jacket with jeans once in my life. I was in 9th grade, I wore it to school, and the minute my mom dropped me off, I knew I had made a terrible error. Because I am not, nor will I ever be, a cowboy, and those are the only people who can make this work.

So I stood there, frozen, in front of my high school. For some reason, the simple solution of "take off the jacket" didn't occur to me.

There are no pictures of this day, so I asked Matt Damon to re-enact it for me.

Yeah, that's pretty much the expression on my face when I realized that what I was wearing was not okay.

For some reason, they're only inflicting this trend on women, possibly because we're more susceptible to the whims of the fashion industry. The men get to escape with your standard denim shirt/jeans pairing. It's not great, but at least it's not a full denim suit.

It took me a couple minutes to figure out whether your western shirt was dip dyed. If that were the case, I would rescind my statement about the men escaping relatively unscathed.

Anyone else think this model studied the Old Spice commercial in order to master this expression? I feel like he's about to offer me tickets to that thing I like. If only he were on a horse, I might have given Gap a pass entirely. Yeah, I am that easy.

The Gap Fit Together Denim Women's Shop
The Gap Fit Together Denim Men's Shop

Ruff Contrast

2010-03-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

This delightful Forever 21 top was posted by reader Melissa K. on the Facebook fan page.

It took me a little while to get over my total and utter disappointment at having wasted my dilophosaurus comparison on these leggings. Because, really, this goes beyond just an Elizabethan neck ruff, like J.Crew was selling last fall.

No, this is a retractable neck frill. There isn't a doubt in my mind. So, the next question becomes, why did the top evolve to have a neck ruff? What is the evolutionary purpose?

In nature, a frill is often used to make the animal look larger to potential predators. Color is also a defense mechanism, as bright colors like red are often a warning sign that the animal is poisonous.

In this case, though, I'd say it's a warning for potential wearers.

Also, if you like dinosaurs, check out my post about the SyFy channel movie Dinoshark over at my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All.

Forever 21 Contrast Collar Top - $28

On Pajama Jeans

2010-03-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, Pajama Jeans exist.

That's right. Pajama jeans. They look like jeans but feel like pajamas! How is that not everything you've ever dreamed of and more?

They've already received a ton of press. Recently, they were featured on AOL's Stylist blog, in an article titled: Pajama Jean Confessions: I Wore Them to Fashion Week. The writer tries to convince us that not only did she wear these to Fashion Week, but she received compliments on them. I suppose the idea isn't so outlandish - after all, having seen some of the things the fashion community puts out, it's hard to be truly shocked by what they like these days.

All the same, I don't get it. I'm ashamed to admit that, until I found a Glamour.com blog on the subject, I hadn't even thought of these as jeggings. I was so fooled into the marketing that I genuinely thought of Pajama Jeans as a unique product. But no, the Glamour blog is right: these are bootcut jeggings, marketed to moms and bloggers. The difference is solely in the marketing. While jeggings are what you wear if you're "fashion-forward" (supposedly), Pajama Jeans are what you wear when you're trying to break free of the fashion rat race.

Because, obviously, fashion is supposed to be uncomfortable. Jeans are an eternal struggle. I mean, come on. Haven't you read Cathy? Women and jeans are mortal enemies, like mega sharks and giant octopi. Remember, until Pajama Jeans, the only way to be fashionable was to dress like Lady Gaga.

Thank god for Pajama Jeans, right? Finally, we have a way to be fashionable that doesn't require wearing a top made of Muppets. And that seems downright practical when compared to the torture chamber known as jeans.

Oh, wait. Sorry, I confused jeans with skintight leather pants. My bad. Skintight leather pants are torturous, jeans are widely known for their comfort and ease of use.

When I saw Pajama Jeans for the first time, my initial thought was: "more comfortable jeans aren't necessary, nor are pajamas that can be worn in public." But these arguments just seem so absurdly obvious, it feels unnatural to have to state them. And yet, here I am, arguing it in the face of Pajama Jeans.

I love my jeans. As I write this, I'm sitting on my bed, wearing jeans. Until seeing Pajama Jeans, it never occurred to me that this might be unusual. Is it? Is it so peculiar, that I find jeans to be comfortable enough to wear both around the house and out in public? Am I to believe that, out of all these jeans, not a single pair will be comfortable?

I have spent hours musing upon Pajama Jeans, and the trend toward "clothes that look like jeans but aren't." I'm desperately trying to figure this fashion movement out. And there's only one question I keep coming back to:

When did jeans stop being good enough?

No, seriously. When did we decide that the blessing of denim needed to be improved upon? What's next - the wheel?

Whenever we, as a society, try to find a replacement for a staple, it ends up being bad for us. We replaced butter with margarine, and look where that got us (other than a lot of entertaining Fabio commercials). We've subbed out sugar in favor of high fructose corn syrup, and no good has come of that. When the world becomes overpopulated, we switch from real meats and produce to Soylent Green wafers, and I'll let Mr. Heston tell you how that one ended (spoiler alert!)

No good comes of eschewing a staple for an imitation, and no good will come of the jeggings/Pajama Jeans trend. Our children will look at pictures of us in ten years and laugh, the same way we laughed at our parents for their massive shoulder pads and permed hair. We, as a fashion community, will come to regret the day that we decided jeans just weren't good enough. But by then, I fear it may be too late.

So sport your jeggings, regardless of the fact that they're too tight on you and your shirt isn't long enough to cover your camel toe. Wear your Pajama Jeans to work, claiming no one can tell the difference even though they totally can.

But, as you pull up the elastic waist of your Pajama Jeans, know that you're destroying so much of what makes this country great: that no matter what you're doing, no matter where you're going, jeans always work. Not jeggings, not Pajama Jeans, not whatever freakish permutation emerges next. Jean - real denim jeans - will always be appropriate.

Pajama Jeans - $39.95

Boop Who?

2010-03-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've never been much of a Betty Boop fan. I mean, what does she do, other than totter around, struggling to maintain upright despite an abnormally large head?

I am, however, pretty sure that Betty Boop would never dress in this outfit. In fact, if Betty Boop were a real person, I would totally understand her suing for defamation of character, solely because of how hideous the pants are.

She'd have no problem winning. It's hard to rule against a woman who breaks into song in the courtroom.

Forever 21 Betty Boop Tank - $13.80

Shoebuse

2010-03-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

Somebody call 911. A horrible crime has been committed.

No sneaker deserves to go out like this. They should be worn until they're falling apart, having lived a full life, until the soles are threadbare and the rubber is cracking around the edges.

These poor sneakers have been brutally attacked by the Converse Cutter. If you have any information that can help us find the perpetrator, please send it to your local authorities.

In the meantime, hide your hi-tops. Look after your low-tops. Protect your Purcells. Take care of your Converse.
Free People Shredded Converse - $128

Yes, Nice Things About F21

2010-03-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

My cousin is getting married in a few months (congratulations, Erin!), and she has a bridal shower coming up. I was surfing Forever 21 for a dress to wear to the shower, when I came across these two dresses.

After staring at them for several minutes, I still can't decide if these dresses are actually cute, or if I'm just losing my mind.

I know that, technically, this is a blog about the things that I wouldn't wear (hence, "You Want Me To Wear What?" rather than "Why Would Anyone Ever Wear This?"). In this case, though, neither of these dresses would work on me. At all.

But on a thin girl, I think this dress could be pretty amazing. Not just in the usual Lucky fashion tips way of "Add curves with tiers!" No, I think this could actually work on someone with less of an hourglass because the dress itself is really interesting to look at. The colors go together, the layers work, and it kind of reminds me of a deconstructed bandage dress. A softer, deconstructed take is a welcome change from what I always felt was a harsh, almost militaristic style.

As for this, I wouldn't have liked it, had I not seen it on a model.

I'm actually kind of curious to try the dress. I don't think it will look good on me, but I just want to give it a shot. I like that it curves and creates the illusion of corsetting without having to go through the trouble of wearing a corset. I like that it's kind of a play on the t-shirt under a dress thing that's been happening lately. Essentially, the dress is kind of just an optical illusion, but in the good way. In the, "Doesn't give me headaches" way.

With all of Forever 21's attempts at couture - all their weird, overdone, excessively designed dresses, if you had described these dresses to me, I would have thought you were out of your mind - Forever 21 can't touch something unusual and not make it bizarre. But no, I'm actually pretty sure that these dresses are kind of awesome.

Thoughts?

Forever 21 Rendezvous Pleat Dress - $29.80
Forever 21 Attention Colorblock Dress - $19.80

The Side-Tie Returns

2010-03-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, I posted a Forever 21 shirt that tied on the side, just like I used to wear my shirts back in junior high. I thought maybe it was the start of a new trend, but I hadn't seen one since.

Until now. Hollister's spring line features a shirt that, had Hollister existed 15 years ago, ten year old Amanda would have been all about. I'd throw on a pair of denim shorts I'd cut myself, mismatched hi-top Converse, and maybe a pair or two of scrunched down socks, and I'd be a very, very happy little dork.

And yes, I realize that, by 1995, I was late to those trends. But it's not that I was late, per se. It's just that I let everyone else test them, first.

Hollister & Co. Crescent Bay T - $19.50

The Price Isn't Right

2010-03-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

When did J. Crew get all fancy?

Yes, I realize that J. Crew has had, for several years now, a high-end line called "The J. Crew Collection."

Apparently, it's high-quality - I mean, it would have to be, with that price tag. And, as seen in this close-up of the sequin dress, they have a creative approach to what has been a huge trend over the last year - in this case, using three sizes of sequins to give texture and dimension to the dress.

But it's still a total disconnect for me to go from looking at $98 pencil skirts to an almost $900 sequined shift dress.

Or a $1,400 disco ball.

J. Crew Waterfall Sequin Sweater Dress - $895
J. Crew Le Sequin Crochet Dress - $1,400

Free the Feet

2010-03-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, until the other day, I had absolutely no idea that Free People sells the ugliest shoes in the world.

And they do. These are a close second to the Slouchy Clogs of Doom posted on Friday.

It's nice that they've provided such sturdy ankle support when wearing a high wedge like that. Well, it's either sturdy ankle support, or these are actually straight jackets for your feet.

These, much like the Slouchy Clogs of Doom, are styled with a pair of shorts. Look, if it's hot enough out that you're wearing shorts, maybe you shouldn't be wearing a heavy leather shoe.

I doubt these shoes breathe much, and you're not wearing socks with them (please, don't wear socks with them, that'd be even worse). So basically, when you wear these shoes as styled, you're subjecting your feet to an entire day of being submerged in a sweat bath while wearing a straight jacket. That's just not right to do to your feet.

Your feet haven't done anything to you. They allow you to move from place to place. Without them, your calves would look really weird. If you're Uma Thurman, it's the reason Quentin Tarantino keeps casting you in movies.

Your feet still love you after you've walked too far in uncomfortable shoes. They love you if you go a month without a pedicure, until your toenail polish has entirely chipped off. Even if you stub your toe, your foot heels back up as quickly as it can, so it can keep on working for you.

So why would you do this to your feet? With all they've done for you, don't you think you owe it to them to not wear this shoes?

Free People Arrowhead Wedge - $248

Frill of the Hunt

2010-03-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

Oh crap, you guys. Stand very, very still.

I think we've startled the leggings.

Forever 21 Mesh Ruffle Trim Leggings - $24

Fight or Flight

2010-03-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Somtimes, I'm presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don't know what to say.

Maybe it's just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn't, in the words of my friend Sarah, "look like a scene from Vietnam."

In case you're not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she's been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It's as if she's saying to us, "Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don't care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down."

I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I'll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward "pony?"

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y'know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don't, because I wouldn't wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.

I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren't models). Because, if there's one body part you want to texturize, it's the butt. Women are always saying to themselves "My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance." Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I'm so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I'm not saying these aren't original. They are. They're very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn't always mean "good."

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit - $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit - $169.99

ANTM Meets AA

2010-03-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

I try not to comment on celebrity fashion, as there are sites that do it far better than I. However, I saw this billboard today for the new cycle of America's Next Top Model, and I had to share it.

I have just one question: when did American Apparel start sponsoring America's Next Top Model?

America's Next Top Model - Wednesdays at 8pm on the CW

Yoke's On You

2010-03-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Back when I was six, I went through a "cowgirl" phase. I wore cowboy boots all the time, and whenever I was home I had on a big red cowboy hat and a set of holsters with toy guns. Fortunately, this only lasted for about six months. Unfortunately, there are pictures.

I'm pretty sure that I'm wearing this skirt in at least one of those pictures.

Forever 21 Studded Denim Yoke Skirt - $28

Why Did Someone Make These?

2010-03-12T10:45:00.000-08:00

These shoes have to go after the jump. They're that bad. In fact, if you want to maintain your innocence, I would recommend you don't click through. It's too late for me, because you can't unsee these. It's the footwear-equivalent of the Ring tape.

So, proceed with caution.

I mean - what the - how do you - WHY? THESE ARE FLORAL COTTON SPATS ATTACHED TO A GIANT PLATFORM SHOE.

Why would you wear this? What purpose does it serve? Why would you want to wear shoes that make your feet look like floral hooves? Who thought these were a good idea?

I guess the one upside is that I don't have to ask "how would you wear them," because Free People so helpfully styled them for us. Apparently, you wear them with shorts. Of course. Because that's practical, comfortable, and flattering.

Oh, and they're a very reasonable $248. Because, in times like these, frugality and practicality are vital.

Free People Floral Slouch Clog - $248

The Curtain Rose

2010-03-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

So, I actually really like the rose in the center of the bust. Yes, it looks a lot like 4th of July bunting. But still, it actually kind of works for me.

Am I the only one, however, who totally thinks the ruffles down the front look like curtains? I wouldn't be shocked if, inside the dress, there's a rigging system that allows you to open and close the skirt as needed.

J.Crew Strapless Chambray Wild Rose Dress - $98

The Super Squad

2010-03-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I created a team of super heroes named "The Super Squad." They had very specific, very useless powers. One of these characters was named "Stomach Face." This is a quick drawing I did in MS Paint, to give you a general idea of what he looked like.

Essentially: his face is on his stomach.

It seems American Apparel had a similar idea. Except, instead of a super hero, their version of Stomach Face just is the face of a (possibly) dead performance artist/comedian.

Just out of curiosity: on what occasion would one wear such a shirt?

American Apparel Unisex Mad Andy Poly-Cotton Short Sleeve Crew Neck - $18

It's a Hoot

2010-03-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

If Hooters ever decides to open a high-end restaurant, I think I've found their uniforms.

Forever 21 Lace Bow Front Top - $34

A Threat to Bad Taste

2010-03-10T00:42:00.001-08:00

Hello,

Thanks for providing us with additional information. However, after
thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into
consideration, we've re-confirmed that your account poses a significant
risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we're unable to reinstate your
account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions
we've taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more
information by visiting
https://www.google.com/adsense/support/bin/answer.py?answer=57153 .

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

I woke up this morning to an email from Google telling me my AdSense account has been suspended. AdSense was the way I had planned on getting revenue from the site (and, over the last five months, it's earned me about $40 from your ad clicks - I'll never see the check now, but I really appreciate that you guys clicked the ads).

I appealed the decision, but this was the response they sent me. So, that sucks. Anyone know any other advertising services I can use?

Here's the thing I want to stress: this blog is meant in good humor. I wouldn't post about any of these sites if I didn't surf them regularly because I like their clothes. I've posted repeatedly about stuff I like. As several of my friends can attest to, I was downright giddy when I saw ModCloth had commented for the first time, because I have nothing but respect for the people who work there - even if I do post about them a lot.

And I do. I post about them regularly, because I'm on their site all the time. If I weren't unemployed and sharing a tiny closet with a guy who owns more clothes than I do, I'd be buying frilly dresses from them.

I know I'm not the only one, either. And I know that at least a couple of you have started going to ModCloth because I've posted about it here. I'm guessing that, when I post about a terrible shirt at Forever 21, at least a handful of you head over there and end up surfing through the site, because no press is bad press.

I'm not saying the clothes spontaneously combust; I'm not saying the retailers overcharge. I'm just saying that sometimes, they sell ugly clothes. I doubt that anyone here has not bought something I've posted, purely because I posted it. And if you have - well, I'm shocked that I have that much power over someone, because no one should ever listen to me about anything.

I'm just frustrated, because the last thing I want is to be considered malicious. By taking away my AdSense account, that's what Google's decided I am, and that kind of sucks. They also banned my account on my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All. So, like I said before: anyone know a good advertising service?

I don't write the thing for ad revenue, I write it because people actually read it. It just sucks because it feels like the blog was picking up steam, and now it's just been kicked in the shins.

Thanks for reading. Seriously.

- Amanda

10,000 BC

2010-03-09T18:10:00.001-08:00

I've said before that I don't like gladiator heels. But at least, on the right person, it can make them look kind of terrifyingly Amazonian.

This, however, is less Amazonian than Archaic. Which is all well and good, if the way you roll is biblical. Now, personally, if I'm going to be thrown into a colloseum to face off against a gladiator or a lion, I'd like to have appropriate footwear on. And, in my case, appropriate footwear is something I can run comfortably in. Not flip flops with cow hide stapled to them.

Bebe Marisa Leather Gladiator Sandal Boots - $179

Bouquet Taupe

2010-03-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's just me, but in many cases, the names given to ModCloth dresses don't seem to match what they actually look like.

For example, this is called the "In The Limelight Dress." When I saw it linked on Twitter, I expected it to be either a) green, b) sparkly, or c) worthy of a red carpet. Personally, I think it looks like it's from the 80s, and not in the good retro way.

This, on the other hand, is one of those cases where the name perfectly suits the dress. Because this is a bridesmaid's dress. I mean, yes, it's a little drab, but it's a perfectly nice dress, and the point stands. This is a bridesmaid's dress, plain and simple.

Although, I have to say, this part of the description is just absurd: "When the time comes for the highly anticipated bouquet toss, you hang back for a few, admiring the joyful aura of your newly wed pal from afar. She looks back, catches your eye, and smiles widely while silently mouthing, "I love your dress!""

One of my best friends got married almost a year ago (early happy anniversary, Ava and Joe!). If she, at any point during the wedding, had taken notice of my dress, I would have smacked her upside the head and told her to get her head back in the game and focus.

ModCloth In the Limelight Dress - $79.99
ModCloth Bouquet Toss Dress in Banquet Hall - $67.99

On the Row

2010-03-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

I have, of late, become obsessed with playing Saints Row 2. It's a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto, and my addiction has gotten so bad that, whenever I see a nice car, my first thought is: "Is that on my chop shop list?"

One of the things you can do in the game is buy and customize clothing. Because my character has a rockin' body and likes to pistol whip people, I've been dressing her in a fairly skanky manner. Okay, she looks like a ho. But a ho who pistol whips pedestrians.

I'm pretty sure she owns this skirt.

I like the suggestion that you pair it with, "netted tights and statement heels." Because keeping it classy would just be too easy. Then again, I guess if you're wearing this skirt, your only option really is to just go full-force trashy, because come on: it's not even a real leather skirt. They had to kill six Pleathers to make this thing. At least give it the courtesy of pairing it with an appropriately streetwalker-esque ensemble.

Forever 21 Boudoir Leatherette Skirt - $22.80

Mass and Volume

2010-03-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

Someone designed this.

Someone designed this with the intent of it being worn on the human frame. On the bodies of all sorts of different women. Because, that had to have been the plan. To design a dress with the intention of no one wearing it is a bad business model.

According to the ModCloth website, "Despite its unreal amount of volume, however, this fun little piece still flatters the feminine form, thanks to its hidden side zipper and back sash tie."

Look, they've seen it in person. So maybe there's something I'm missing; a subtlety I have yet to pick up on. But, in my years of dress shopping, never once has a side zipper and back sash tie made a dress with two layers of hoop skirt magically flattering. It's not even that flattering on the mannequin, and you can stick pins directly into a mannequin to get the perfect fit.

I'd actually love this fabric as an a-line, so it would have a sort of 50s school dance feel to it. As opposed to what it currently has, which is "Mrs. Potts summers at the country castle."

ModCloth Pump Up the Volume Dress - $74.99

Yodlee Why?

2010-03-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

I do not own any American Eagle dresses. This is striking because I have been shopping there since the first store opened in LA eight years ago. However, I have not once bought a dress from them, as their dresses often suffer from a terrible case of Too-Small-For-My-Rack-itis.

That's not even close to the top of my list of issues I have with this dress.

Let's start with the fact that it gives the model what appears to be the gut of a middle-aged man. This isn't the shape of a young model. This is the shape of a Mike Judge character.

I'm also not a fan of the lederhosen pattern running down the front of the dress. You know what those stripes don't do? Make the model look slimmer. No, they only serve to emphasize that the drop waist isn't fitted properly.

That's the problem, really. The drop waist just isn't fitted right. Under proper circumstances, drop waists are a short-torsoed girl's best friend (I am one, and drop waists can be magical). However, in this case, the proportions are off in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Yes, I realize that it's kind of my job to comment on the proportions, but ... I can't figure it out. It just looks off. Maybe the skirt is too long, maybe the waistband is too thick. Maybe the model has a long torso to begin with, and the dress is not well-suited for her. I'm not sure. But it just looks off.

And finally, there's just not enough boob storage. As I said before, this is a common problem with American Eagle dresses. That holds true in this dress, but with a fun twist: it seems like there's actually a decent amount of coverage on the dress itself. However, because of the lederhosen stripes, the cup is visually cut in half. So even if I can fit my chests into the top, they're just going to warp the lederhosen. And nobody likes warped lederhosen.

AE Print Drop Waist Dress - $44.50

Have A Yabba-Dabba Do Time

2010-03-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the designers at Forever 21 were pretty heavily influenced by Hanna-Barbera this season.

First, we had The Jetsons. With this top and dress, I think we're going all the way back to Bedrock.

Don't look so happy, Fred. Sure, it's great that they're being economical and using the leftover scraps from Bloomingstone's Department Store, but really. I think Forever 21 can do better than that.

Unless they start selling Hoppparoos. I would totally get on board with that.

Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Dress - $34.80
Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Top - $24.80

AnthropomorphShorts

2010-03-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

Okay. I need to know if it's just me.

Does anyone else see a face here? I feel like these shorts would fit right in with the rest of these inanimate, sad-looking objects.

Alternately, I guess you could think of it like a polo shirt for your hips. Because, admit it. You know your hips have been dying to try a popped collar.

ModCloth Brand New Waist Shorts - $89.99

Costume Idea #16: And Now It's Stuck In Your Head

2010-03-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

Every so often, I remember with horror that the 90s were 10 years ago. This is horrifying to me because I'm starting to understand why my dad regularly says, of classic rock songs, "Doesn't this sound like it could have been made this year?" When I was younger, I would often agree so as to not be a terrible child. But now, I actually get it, because "Genie In a Bottle" is almost eleven years old. And that is, at best, unnerving.

So, if you're feeling nostalgic this Halloween, why not go as Christina Aguilera from the video? Anthropologie's made it a lot easier for everyone by selling these bright orange, totally wearable pants, for a perfectly reasonable price of $78.

Sure, it's a little expensive for a pair of orange cotton pants, but really - what wouldn't you pay to look this cool while singing thinly veiled euphemisms for a dude groping you while dancing?

My point exactly.

Anthropologie Trail Trotter Crops - $78

The Depths of Plaidness

2010-03-03T12:44:00.001-08:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been a little obsessed with plaid of late.

This shirt will not fall into that category. I know, you're probably shocked. Stunned, even. "But it has giant, puffy sleeves!" you're probably thinking. "With bows on the arms, and a weird ruffled bib thing! That's right up your alley."

I know. It confuses me, as well. I prefer my plaid shirts to be so baggy that it hides anything that might hint at my figure. And I love when strips of fabric dangle down my arms. That's never annoying. Wearing this shirt would be like having two magical plaid fairies hovering against my elbows at all times.

And who doesn't love that?

Forever 21 Plaid Multi-Button Shirt - $32

902-Oh No

2010-03-02T17:53:00.001-08:00

According to ModCloth, "Named for the actress who played Kelly Kapowski in Saved By the Bell and Valerie Malone in Beverly Hills 90210, this arresting, floral print mini dress by MinkPink makes us long for a 90's fashion renaissance!"

I'm so torn. On the one hand, I have become obsessed with flannel shirts of late, and if not for the fact that I don't have the closet space, I'd buy a pair or two of Docs. After all, we're shaped by the fashions we grew up with, aren't we? God knows, I still consider Alex Mack and Clarissa to be the queens of chic.

But, by the same token, oh my god, the 90s renaissance makes feel so old. I went into Wet Seal the other day, and I swear the clothes were the same as when I first started shopping there. And floral patterns are so overwhelmingly busy. Those are some giant flowers. You can't even tell if the dress is flattering or not, because there's so much going on. Which, yes, is the risk of any pattern, but for some reason, overwhelming floral patterns in particular bother me.

I guess that's my problem with the 90s renaissance - much like with the 80s renaissance, or the 70s, or any plundering of a prior time period by designers - they bring back the tacky. And I don't understand why, other than because they hate us. Because while yes, a floral pattern can work on a floaty skirt, on a skintight dress, it's just ... we made this mistake once already. Do we have to keep repeating it?

ModCloth Tiffani Dress - $62.99

The Hip Way To Travel

2010-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Forever 21 Airlines, Flight 288 with non-stop service to Unflattering."

Please turn your attention to the flight attendant nearest you for our peplum demonstration. Please follow along with the image in front of you.

Please make sure your peplum is securely fastened at this time. To fasten, firmly affix the ruffles to your midsection. In case of a water landing, the peplum will inflate and serve as a flotation device.

Please take this time to notice that the peplum sits around your waist, rather than on your hips. Keep in mind that it may make you look larger and will at bulk to your waist, traditionally a narrow point on the torso. If you are naturally slim, the peplum may come off as an oddly placed inner tube, rather than additional fabric that adds curves.

As we come through the cabin to perform our final safety checks, please make sure your seatbelt is fastened as best you can over this mass of fabric, your seat back and tray tables are in their full upright and locked position, and all carry on items are stored properly.

Thank you for your attention, and we wish you a good flight on Forever 21 Airlines.

Propelled Into Your Heart

2010-03-01T17:11:00.000-08:00

I had one brief moment of hope when I saw this top. I was filled with pure, unadulterated excitement.

And then I realized that the yellow thing doesn't spin around like a propeller.

Anthropologie Force Field Corset - $78

The Single Life

2010-03-01T12:05:00.000-08:00

I realize that, at times, I overthink things. Occasionally.

In this case, though, I think my overthinking is justified. Because I've been confused about this type of shirt for ages now.

Okay. I ~~love~~ "heart" my boyfriend. I get the message. But I'm just not grasping the execution of wearing it.

If you're dating a guy, should he get worried if you go too long without wearing it? I mean, I usually put off doing laundry for as long as possible. I'd be concerned about a guy getting angry over why I'm not wearing it, like how Sheldon kept asking Sally where her Sunday underwear was.

When you guys inevitably break up, do you get rid of this shirt? Or, do you just wait until you get a new guy, then pretend that you bought it just for him? Is it awkward when he sees a picture of you with a former beau, and you're wearing that shirt? When you break up with a guy, does he say, "But your t-shirt said you hearted me!"When you're single, do you shove it in the drawer with those free shirts you get at the AIDs walk or a football game, but you never wear?

I do like, however, that this shirt is a prime example of mullet clothing - faithful in the front, come-hither in the back.

Forever 21 Fishbone Back Tee - $13.80

Water Landing

2010-02-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

Whenever I fly, I always think to myself, "It's too bad I can't put together a cute outfit that would also be useful in the case of a water landing." Floaties are too cumbersome, and wetsuits aren't particularly comfortable or figure-flattering.

Fortunately, Forever 21 has designed a skirt that, in the event of a water landing, you can keep your valuables - and your sense of style - dry. Yes, this chic plastic skirt, with its practical rope ties, will make you the envy of frequent fliers everywhere.

Forever 21 Petticoat Cargo Skirt - $19.80

Jane, His Wife

2010-02-24T17:45:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes you'll make a visual connection in your head? Maybe it's just my terrible visual memory. I don't know. Either way, before I started writing this post, had you asked me if this dress was identical to Jane Jetson's, I would have said "Absolutely."

Apparently, I was wrong. I don't know if it was the big collar or what, but even now I'm not convinced that this was just some Jetsons-themed hallucination.

It's not just me, right? If Jane never wore it, at the least, it had to have been in her closet.

Forever 21 Tuxedo Belted Sleeveless Coatdress - $44

Secret Agent Amanda

2010-02-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

I have a very active imagination. For some reason, it's worse when I'm walking places. If I'm walking somewhere, I will think up this whole other plot line about my life. More often than not, I am a super-spy in it. Because who doesn't have a little bit of Bond in them?

If I owned this trench coat, I'm pretty sure I actually would be a super-spy. If I were on my way to class and a Russian agent jumped out at me, I'd disarm them without even dropping my bookbag.

Essentially: There's no way you can not be a badass in this coat.

ModCloth En-Trenched With Style Coat - $72.99

Bonjour Paris

2010-02-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

Alright. Is it just me, or is this the creepiest smiley face ever?

It's the saddest, scariest smiley face I've seen in a long time. It looks like someone gouged out its eyes. This Paris happy face is the Oedipus of happy faces.

I know, I know. That's so like me, seeing Greek tragedies in everything. I was originally going to write more, but I can't actually keep staring at this damn thing. Its vacant, dead eyes keep staring at me, piercing my soul.

Forever 21 Cropped Bonjour Paris Tank - $14.90

And then ...

2010-02-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

I spent three hours wandering around a Target, and I didn't get home in time to write a post. Or rather, by the time I got home, I was so exhausted that all I can say is:

Target has some really cute swimsuits and some great tank tops.

Walking Around On Those - What Do You Call Them?

2010-02-22T12:09:00.001-08:00

This was sent in by Emily (not to be confused with reader Little Emily). Says Emily:

"I know this is ugly, but the white version it reminds me of the little mermaid - Ariel's dress right after she gets legs, and the shapeless sheet she's wrapped around herself becomes a kind of cute minidress. Magic! Please make fun of it so I don't buy it."

I kind of remembered that Ariel wore a white dress at some point, but did not have nearly the photographic recall that Emily showed. But, once I found the screencaps, it all came flooding back to me.

Ah yes. The white sheet dress. Worn with the kind of pride that screams, "Up until now, the only clothing I've worn was a shell bra."

But damned if this isn't the same dress. Look at how randomly bunched it is! Do you know why it's gathered into a bustle? Because I sure don't. The only thing I can think of is that the designer was aided by his friends, a confused seagull and a smarmy crab.

From the side, I actually like the dress. It's so sculpted that it actually becomes appealing.

But then you get to the back, and it suddenly just is a lot of lumpy volume. Or there's the front, which demands a belt to temper its shapelessness. And while I wear a lot of short skirts, I'd constantly be tugging it down, because it's always harder to tell if you're flashing the world when you're wearing an uneven hem.

On the other hand, if it lands me a hunk like Eric, then I'll throw down the $105 for a couture sheet of my very own. And I wouldn't even need to trade my voice for legs - not a bad deal.

Of course, he seemed to like the fact that she didn't talk, so my feminist sensibilities are incensed. Will they win out over a childhood crush?

Maybe I'll see if the Beast is still available. And if he'll cut that mullet.

Funktional Parachute Dress - $105

Kooshy Shoes

2010-02-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

It's weird - sometimes, a thought will randomly pop into my head (like, "I wonder what the Green Power Ranger is up to these days?"), and then the question will be answered a day or two later by someone else (my friend posting that he is apparently now an MMA fighter).

Likewise, just the other day, I was wondering to myself, "What did they do with all those koosh balls from the Rosie O'Donnell Show?"

And now, I have my answer. Gwen Stefani's using them on sandals.

ModCloth Harajuku Lovers Holla Slingbacks - $47.99

Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

2010-02-19T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.

But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.

Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.

But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.

Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*

I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.

This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39

This Looks Familiar

2010-02-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

Man, this is a great idea.

It's about time someone took people to task on the ugly clothes that stores try to sell us.

Someone should totally make a website about it or something.

Also, the "Fashion Citation Notepad"? Hey, ModCloth Naming Committee - you're on notice.

ModCloth Fashion Citation Notepad - $4.99

Match Point, Simpson

2010-02-18T12:11:00.000-08:00

I have tried very, very hard to hate Jessica Simpson's shoe and clothing line. I've actually made a concerted effort to not buy anything from them, because I hated the idea that a pop star had made a decent clothing line - and worse, that Joe Simpson could stand to profit from it. As a rule of thumb, I do not contribute to Joe Simpson's coffers (by the by, apparently today is his birthday - happy birthday, Captain Creeps-Me-Out!).

And you know where that boycott has left me? Without a lot of cute shoes.

I know. I really don't want it to be true, but the girl's hired some great designers. When in a department store shoe section, I've consistently gravitated toward her shoes, realizing with dismay that the really cute concealed platform heels are Jessica Simpson's, and therefore not allowed to come home with me.

Ultimately, though, I could live with that. I don't wear heels all that often, so it's not like I need that many.

But now, she's making dresses.

And some of them have a retro, Mad Men-esque silhouette. Like this one. Which is covered in tiny flowers. But not in an abrasive way. In a cute, springy, whimsical way. With a boatneck and a full skirt.

Dammit.

This dress could have gone so horribly awry - sea foam with a lime green belt. Who in their right mind would combine these two colors? And yet, it works. It works so hard, I'm already wearing this in my mind, and it is magical. I have no idea what shoes you would wear with this, but in my head, I have hemmed this to a few inches above the knee, and I am wearing a matching patent leather headband, and I might or might not actually be Blair Waldorf in my head.

She's wearing Alice & Olivia in both these pictures, but she could have just as easily been wearing the Jessica Simpson dress (if the JS dress were marked up a couple hundred dollars ... the girl does have standards).

Remember how I mentioned the Mad Men silhouettes? Yeah. That.

It's not quite as springy as the other two - it feels heavier, more appropriate for winter. But I love the sparse polka dots, and for once, the beaded neckline actually works for me.

So, fine, Jessica Simpson. You win. I may or may not be feverishly Googling "Jessica Simpson dresses what stores" right now (I don't Google in coherent sentences). And damned if I won't be trying on these dresses the minute I find out what stores carry them.

Just, please, can you give your dad's 20% to whoever actually designed these? Because they deserve the bonus.

Jessica Simpson Belted Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Dropping Daisy Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Tulle Flocked Dress - $138

Public Service Announcement #6: Small Packages

2010-02-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

The Ed Hardy line has expanded into many new avenues over the past few months. I've covered much of it in a series of Public Service Announcements, because I feel it is vitally important that we are aware of the enemy's movements. After last week's thrilling developments, I think it's time to reasses where we stand.

So here are two new fronts that have been opened in the war against Ed Hardy:

I'm impressed that they've managed to squeeze this much douche on such small surfaces. But it actually works out for those of us trying to avoid Ed Hardy-wearers like the plague.

A shirt ends up in the wash, and you're none the wiser until it's clean again. But glasses are worn constantly. Picking a pair of glasses is part of a painstaking process. So when someone is wearing Ed Hardy glasses, that's not just a whim. That's a commitment to douchedom.

As for the lighters - well, the owner chose to forgo the standard cheap Bic lighters in favor of an Ed Hardy tattoo lighter. That just about tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?

Personally, I'm disappointed that they still haven't branched out to condoms. At least then, they'd be doing the world a service for a change.

These Boots Weren't Made For Walking

2010-02-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big fan of the peep-toe bootie. So it's not shocking that I would post these.

I'm sure people will wear these, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. For this post, let's ignore the obvious: these are lace-up, with a buckle, hitting around the ankle. I just want to focus on one thing:

These boots would rub your feet wrong in at least four places. The unleather would give you blisters so epic, Grey's Anatomy would do an entire episode based around them. They would base a character on you, and she would be inoffensively quirky, give impassioned speeches with excessive repetition, and she would teach at least one of the doctors a very important lesson that happens to coincide with the doctor's storyline for the week.

And let's be honest: you, or Fictional You, do not need to get anywhere near the insanity of Seattle Grace. It's with that in mind that I suggest you not buy or wear these shoes.

Unless Fictional You ends up with a multi-episode arc, in which case you stand an equally good chance of: hooking up with a main character, dying after touching the lives of each character, or going balls to the wall crazy. Or some combination of the three. I'd say the odds aren't in your favor, but if you want to take the risk, go for it.

But if it ends up on Grey's, I want a "Story By" credit.

Forever 21 Peep Toe Workman Bootie - $34.80

Wasted Potential in a Romper

2010-02-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

You know what makes me really sad about this romper?

That it's a romper. If these were separates, it'd kind of be a cute outfit. But no, apparently Wet Seal doesn't think that we're capable of making our own outfits. They think they have to hold our hand and create outfits for us. Because that's what this is. It's a ready-made outfit that they could have just styled on a mannequin and then put the separates next to it. We would have figured it out, Wet Seal. Really.

Wet Seal Plaid Denim Romper - $30.50

A Sack of Potatoes

2010-02-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

I realize that sometimes, I just don't understand a style or an attempted look.

I don't think this is one of those times. No, I think that I am rightly mystified by this dress. It's so ill-fitting, it actually makes the model look like her head was Photoshopped onto another, much larger, model's body. It is so shapeless that it actually fails at being stylishly shapeless. It's just unflattering.

Where is the logic in this dress? It bunches around the mid-thigh area, tapering down into an asymmetrical hemline. It's hard to make a satin, formless dress more unwearable, but somehow, they manage.

So, hat's off to them, I suppose?

Kimberly Ovitz "Myron" Silk Charmeuse Dress - $385

A Positive Coat

2010-02-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

Occasionally, I see something I like so much, I have to post it.

This is one of those times. I would wear this coat so hard, my other jackets would get jealous. I might or might not make it the background of my computer, I love it so much. My only regret is that it's a coat, and not a sleeveless minidress, because if I could remove the sleeves and make it in a cotton fabric, I would cuddle with it at night and carry it around like a security blanket.

That's how much I love this coat.

ModCloth Heartfelt Coat - $79.99

Pi Phi Why?

2010-02-15T11:27:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago, I had at least three people independently send me the Pi Phi Rush Week clothing manual. It was alternately the most flattering thing that's happened in a while, and the most horrifying - on the one hand, they apparently wanted to watch me mock the sisters.

On the other hand, I'm now apparently the go-to person for, "Hey, this is an ugly top." It's the sartorial equivalent of taking a swig of milk, saying "I think this is spoiled," then handing it to your roommate.

That's my totally gracious way of saying, thanks for reading and immediately thinking of the blog when you see something hideous. Please keep sending me stuff ... I will post them eventually, unless I can't figure out how to properly mock it.

Anyway, moving on. In the end, Ivy Gate posted four Pi Phi memos detailing what sorority members can and cannot wear to different functions during Rush Week.

Having read them all, they're pretty much what you would expect if someone a little controlling were running a house full of girls, and they were competing with other houses full of girls for the prettiest/smartest/best freshmen. Basically, "Look like everything a freshman girl would imagine a sorority sister to be, if her only exposure to sororities is movies or television."

In truth, I can't actually mock most of the list, because a lot of it makes sense for their world - don't wear hooker shoes to a daytime function, don't wear ripped pants. It also embodies why I would never, ever, ever be allowed into a sorority.

However, there is one thing that jumped out at me.

Round I & II: “Casual chic”
Bottoms:
Yes:
Medium-to-dark or black skinny or straight jeans
Dark skinny or straight cords
“Denim-legging” is appropriate as long as it’s done right: aka, not from American Apparel and worn with chic, cool chunky boots over them and a longer top. NO camel toe.

No:
Super “Flared leg” pants
Cropped pants. Ugh.
Bleached/very light or TORN jeans I don’t care if they’re in style.
Khakis
Leggings worn as pants
Muffin tops or extreme low rise!!

Weird, they totally messed up their formatting. Someone put "jeggings" in the "yes" column ... but then they made a bunch of situations where it would be acceptable to wear them, and - OH MY GOD. THEY ALLOW JEGGINGS.

I guess it's a small favor that they don't allow leggings worn as pants, because as we all know, leggings are not pants. You know it, I know it, Blair Waldorf knew it right up until this season when we learned that her headbands were the only thing keeping her sane and functional.

But back to the jeggings for a moment. Yeah, I can't believe I'm going back to them, but it has to be done.

I'm on a college campus these days, and in my usual creepy way, I spend a lot of time looking at what the kids wear. I'm seeing a disturbing outbreak of jeggings. How can I tell? Well, first of all, they bunch weird, in a way that only non-denim fabric can. Also, sometimes they stretch too much across the thighs and you can kind of see skintones in the knitting. Oh, and they're never, ever, ever flattering. Longer top, short top, it doesn't matter: jeggings are not pants. Period. Just because they look like pants doesn't make them legitimate.

There's an old saying: "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck - it's a duck." But often, people forget the last part of it: "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck - it's a duck. However, if it look like jeans but feels like leggings, shoot it.

I think the ZBZ sisters would agree.

Public Service Announcement #5: The People v. Edward Hardy

2010-02-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I said that sometimes, I think Marc Jacobs is playing a joke on the fashion industry.

I take it back. Little did I know the truth: Marc Jacobs is a fervent crusader for the fashion industry.

He's suing Ed Hardy for copyright infringement.

According to my top legal sources, there is not yet a law allowing a person to sue a designer for marketing and selling ugly or tacky clothing and accessories. As such, Jacobs probably stood the best chance of winning his case by suing for copyright infringement, rather than the not yet legally recognized "fugliness."

Junk in the Trunks

2010-02-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

Ah, spring. The flowers bloom, the temperatures rise, and, if you work at American Apparel, your boss starts growing his summer mutton chops.

What's wrong, Random American Apparel model Who Is Also Probably A Personal Assistant Or Something, Because That's How They Roll Over In Creepyville? Why so glum? I mean, yeah, those are really shiny and plastic-looking. So I do understand being less than thrilled with that.

And I'm not really sure the circumstances under which you'd wear them. Yes, they're for swimming, but they're awfully high-rise for swimming shorts. Actually, they look like they'd be kind of uncomfortable.

Well, let's see them from the back to be sure.

To all you observant readers who have noticed that something is off about this picture, yes, you are correct. These are, as far as I can tell, not the model's legs. Because these swim trunks are unisex.

Of course they are. It's American Apparel. Why wouldn't these be unisex? Then again, I'm pretty sure all garbage bags are unisex, even the fancy tri-colored ones.

You can all blame Reader Ronnie for this one.

American Apparel Unisex Tri-Color Swim Trunk - $36

Pleasant Pheasant

2010-02-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

Recently, The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth found her way to the blog. This was very exciting, if for no other reason than because it meant she was a real person, and not some hallucination I'd willed up to entertain myself while looking at some of ModCloth's more unusual offerings.

I also worried, though, that any subsequent posts I made about her and her superheroic abilities to wear strange headgear might seem like pandering. It has, at times, been harder to post about ModCloth, knowing that they read all blogs that mention their site. After all, it's one thing when you're shouting bitchery into the e-byss, it's a whole other bag of nuts* when you know it's actually being read.

Then I saw this picture, and any concerns I had were assuaged. Because the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth is wearing a feathered headband, like a little demi-tribal headdress.

This should be total and utter madness. This headband should be one of those "Wait, really?" moments, where you wonder if the design team is playing a trick on us. But she is so calm, so composed while wearing it, I'm lulled into submission. I accept that of course one would wear a headband covered in feathers. Why not? That seems perfectly reasonable, now that you mention it.

After all, are feathers really so much stranger than anything else we put in our hair? Sometimes, I'll put a fabric-covered rubber band in. A rubber band! By comparison, a feathered headdress seems downright normal, doesn't it?

Dammit. Her serene smile and easy confidence have lured me in once again.

*Yeah, I don't think "bag of nuts" is an expression, but I really like it, so I'm going to start using it in day to day conversation.

ModCloth Pleasant Pheasant Headband - $17.99

WTF KFC

2010-02-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

I can think of only one situation in which this present would be an appropriate gift.

If you know a man who is related to, or a fan of, Colonel Sanders.

Of course, that's a very, very small niche, so I guess the makers of this tie expect other people to buy it. Which is absurd, because seriously, when is this an appropriate accessory? When has anyone, other than the Colonel, ever looked at their shirt and thought, "What I'm missing is a Western Tie"? Even the model looks unhappy to be wearing it, and he's getting paid.

Timo Western Tie in Black & White Polka Dots - $60

A Brief Musing on Marc Jacobs

2010-02-10T17:23:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I think Marc Jacobs is actually playing a joke on the fashion industry.

This is one of those times.

Marc by Marc Jacobs Jacquetta Striped Dress - $528

Not Taylor-Made

2010-02-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

I can't help it: I love Taylor Swift. Her music is ridiculously catchy, she's got pretty hair, she's eleven feet tall but wears high heels anyway, and she loves sparkley dresses. I might or might not have had a dream the other night that I was performing at a "We Are The World" kind of concert, and before going onstage, I told her to check out my blog because I've written about her.

Upon looking back, it turns out I've only mentioned her once, but whenever I write about sequins, I have her in mind.

Anyway, back on topic.

So, as I was saying, I can't help but like Taylor Swift. I've tried, because my heart is a cold, dark wasteland.

I appreciate that ModCloth has named a dress after Taylor Swift (although, seriously, where's the dress named after my blog? I'm waiting ...). And I can sort of understand their thought process: she is a country/pop singer, so it's not totally illogical that they went with plaid for the name. I'm not a fan of the dress itself, but had they used this fabric for a pair of shorts or a button-down, I would have really liked the fabric and ignored it completely.

However, it's a travesty - that's right, a travesty - that they would give give Taylor Swift's name to a dress so lacking in all things sparkley and shiny.

And on that note:

ModCloth The Taylor Dress - $59.99

Et Tu, Black Halo?

2010-02-09T16:10:00.000-08:00

Friends, Romans, Readership, lend me your ears.

I come to mock clothing, not to praise it;
The ugly that designers do go to the sales rack,
the good is oft sold out before I can buy it.

So let it be with this top.

Black Halo One Shoulder Jane Top - $105

A Correction

2010-02-09T12:10:00.000-08:00

Last week, I posted an indignant rant about the differences between an herbivore and a vegetarian, and why dinosaurs are not vegetarians. I also said that, had they made a matching shirt with "Carnivore" written on it, I would not have objected to the shirt.

That being the case, it seems the "Vegetarian" t-shirt previously written about is not a dinosaur-themed article of propaganda, but instead, it's just inaccurate. I stand corrected.

And, true to my word, I bought the carnivore t-shirt. Because come on - dinosaurs are awesome.

Forever 21 T-Rex Carnivore Tee - $14.90

Bow Out

2010-02-08T17:38:00.000-08:00

When I first saw this, I thought to myself, "Hm. That's a weird dress." Then I realized, to my horror, that no - the giant floppy bow isn't part of the dress at all.

It's an accessory that you can buy separately, then choose to pair with what would otherwise be a perfectly lovely outfit. The giant bow would drive me nuts because I'd feel it under my chin, or my hair would get caught on it all the time.

Why would you throw a heavy black bow onto this? It looks like a cute, light dress. That black bow is the sartorial equivalent of a giant anchor. How come women's magazines always advise you not to wear heels with an ankle strap, but they never warn you about wearing giant black bows with white lacy dresses? Oh, right, because it goes without saying.

But what really kills me is that they could have given the model a perfect Blair Waldorf look by accessorizing with this silver bow pendant, rather than an actual giant bow.

Right? All it's missing is a headband, brightly colored tights, and an awesome eastern European housekeeper/sidekick.

Timo Bowtie Bib in Copper Brown Satin - $65
Timo Bowtie Bib in Black Satin - $71
In God We Trust Cutout Bow - $101

Joust Kidding

2010-02-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

My friend Sarah is the writer of the incredibly smart entertainment/media blog But They Didn't Ask Me. I suggest you go read her post on kids shows immediately, especially if you grew up watching old school Nickelodeon.

She somehow found time to send along this delightfully pointless dress.

I've never thought of chainmail as an embellishment, but apparently, it's more widespread than just Ren Faires.

I think what gets me about this, other than the general impracticality of it (when what is the purpose of a minidress with chainmail on it? What purpose does it serve?) is the fact that there is no way this can not look cheap. It's Forever 21 using metal embellishments. When has that ever ended well?

I guess you can buy this if you're big into Ren Faires and want to look like a slutty knight ... they have those, right?

Forever 21 Chainmail Bust Mini Dress - $15.99

Wait, what?

2010-02-05T15:30:00.001-08:00

It's Friday? No, I totally didn't forget that it was Friday and therefore didn't remember to put together any posts.

So, uh .... look, a pretty dress!

DIANE von FURSTENBERG Iridescent Chiffon "Erosa" Dress - $385

A Top With a View

2010-02-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

I don't have any tattoos, but I would venture to guess that the most difficult thing about having a tramp stamp is finding new and exciting ways to display it. After a while, wearing low-rise jeans with a short t-shirt must get kind of boring.

With this top, you can show off that circle of leaping dolphins, framing it like the work of art that it is.

Unless you've decided to have one of the ten commandments tattooed across your lower back. In that case, you might want to keep it as covered as possible and hope it flies under God's radar, because I can't imagine he'd be thrilled with that development.

Wait, I take that back. If you've got a tramp stamp that says "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass," display it proudly. At least it's a little more contextually appropriate than a warning against false idols.

Left Coast Draped Keyhole Back Tee - $44

The Plaid Hatter

2010-02-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

I love how deadpan the model looks in this picture.

I imagine that they didn't warn her beforehand what she would be modelling in this shoot. She got all made up, they checked the lights, and then wardrobe ran out at the last minute and put the hat on her head.

"Seriously?" she said. "I have to wear this? It's a plaid baseball hat. This is ridiculous. No one is going to buy this. Yes, I know I'm getting paid to wear it. Whatever, fine. Just take the damn picture."

RVCA Ranger Plaid Hat - $19

A Harry Escape

2010-02-03T17:41:00.000-08:00

Come one, come all, to see the great Shopbop Magical Model escape from this skirt!

She scoffs at the challenge.

Houdini's straight jacket trick is no match for her! She'll do him one better - escape from the skirt in heels. But how does she do it? What is her trick? Dare she reveal it?

Of course. The old "full-length zipper in the back" trick. I should have guessed.

Madison Marcus Resist Skirt - $325

She's a Fun Gal

2010-02-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

You know how denim dresses and ruffles are two of my least favorite things? Forever 21 decided to make my life easier by combining them into one dress!

I'm going to steal from a comment once posted by my friend Holly. She described ruffles as looking like a tree fungus. As far as I'm concerned, she's spot-on.

The Forever 21 description claims that the dress is "sexy on the top and flirty on the bottom," which I think is kind of a stretch. It's a denim dress. It can't really be sexy or flirty. I mean, I guess it can be, but in a very specific, denim-fetishist way.

Or it could just be my denim-prejudice. Which is strong - there will be a post later this week about another crime against jeans.

I'm pretty sure, though, that this dress is pretty wrong, though, even without my stance on denim dresses. Thoughts?

Forever 21 Strapless Denim Ruffle Dress - $29.80

Shorts in Disguise

2010-02-02T12:14:00.001-08:00

I was surfing Forever 21, as I do every day, for clothes to buy and clothes to post. At all times, there are two separate browser windows open, so I can keep them separated. These were originally in the "buy" browser.

And then I realized they were shorts, rather than a pleated skirt.

Shorts are tricky to navigate. For some reason, they're way more difficult than skirts. Finding the right length can be a Herculean task. I can't imagine that pleated, voluminous shorts will be a flattering look.

How convenient. I don't have to imagine it. These are resting on the threshold of unflattering on this model. They're threatening to tip into the precipice of average ass.

So much skirt potential wasted. And for what? Shorts that look like a skirt, but will probably just make your legs look weird.

What a world.

Forever 21 Floral Guise Woven Shorts - $17.80

Shame? Who needs that?

2010-02-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

In an attempt at generating some extra revenue, I've added a couple buttons on the righthand sidebar. They link through to Endless.com and Amazon.com, and they look like this (in fact, you can even practice clicking these!):

If you want to help support the blog, use these buttons to access either site before placing an order. I get a portion of the price, you get new shoes, and everyone's happy.

Thanks to all my regular readers, and hi to the ones who find the blog through a Google search. The last few months have been fun, and I can't wait to see what the spring lines will bring.

- Amanda

An Addendum On Houndstooth

2010-02-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

Hey, remember when a reader found the blog by Googling "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

I said that it would not, and that the reader should go for it.

I just want to point out, for the sake of clarification: skirts. Go for a houndstooth skirt or dress. Do not go for houndstooth skinny pants. Especially not ones made by Avril Lavigne and sold at Kohl's. Because these are bad. These are really, really bad. Kohl's won't even show the back of the pants, they're so unflattering.

So, dear Kentucky reader, these will make you look fat. These will make everyone look fat. These make the mannequin look fat. Don't take it personally. Put on a houndstooth skirt and feel like Blair Waldorf for a day. But for the love of headbands, please don't wear these pants.

Abbey Dawn Houndstooth Skinny Pants - $24

Shredded What?

2010-02-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

Back when I was gainfully employed, I loved to bring all my old receipts into the office so I could shred them on the industrial shredder. You could put in fistfulls of receipts. It was great. That and ordering Post-Its on Staples.com, those were two of the great joys at that job.

But sometimes, I would get a little overzealous, or the shredder would already be full, and it would stop mid-shred. I would press the reverse button, and out would come my AmEx bill, torn into strips halfway up.

It never occurred to me that I could run a shirt through the shredder and sell it.

Hollister & Co. Harbor Cove - $9.95

Caked On

2010-01-29T15:58:00.000-08:00

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.

This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

I Choose You, Pokeboob!

2010-01-29T13:49:00.000-08:00

What does this top remind me of?

It's so familiar ... I can't quite place it ...

Oh, right. They give your boobs anime eyes. Man, that was driving me crazy.

By the by, never wear this. Or, if you do, don't complain about how no one is making eye contact with you. They're making eye contact, just not with your eyes.

Hollister & Co. Belleflower - $29.50

Please Stop Avril Before Someone Gets Hurt

2010-01-28T18:30:00.000-08:00

I ... so ... these are real.

People. These pants are real. They once sold for $50. Kohl's seems to think that they'll sell for $20.

They have zigzags in black and white. With random bursts of color. I have a migraine just from trying to get my eyes to focus. Can you imagine these in motion? They'd be seizure-inducing. People would fall victim to your legs as you walk down the street.

I don't know why I even posted the back - it's not as if these pants are going to get any better from behind. I guess I posted them to convince myself that these are real, because I have a naive hope that they're a very early April Fools joke.

But no. These are actually pants that are for sale. That someone, somewhere - some misguided teen who actually thinks that Kohls is the official retailer for punk - has purchased these.

If you see a teen on the street wearing these pants, take them under your wing. Play some Ramones for them. Explain that this is punk. Explain that Complicated is not. Show them that punk is not just wearing a tie.

And, for the love of God, buy them some solid pants so that you can, together, burn these abominations.

Abbey Dawn Zigzag Skinny Pants - $19.20

Sea Sluggish

2010-01-28T12:22:00.000-08:00

Forever 21 really likes to add unnecessary fabric to their clothes in an attempt at making it look classy and like it's not totally disposable. On rare occasions, it works. But, more often than not, it goes horribly awry.

Take this shirt, for example. My first thought upon seeing the shoulder puffs wasn't "Oh, cute embellishment." No, it was "Whoa, that looks like two sea slugs facing off to penis fence."

Wow. I finally found a way to work penis fencing into this blog. My work here is done.

Forever 21 Blossom Shoulder Tee - $26